Wednesday, March 28, 2012

It Will Never Be The Same

As we drove down the highway I noticed how the Red Bud trees perfectly lined each side of it.  They were so beautiful and bright.  It was a gorgeous Spring day.  The sky was so blue and what few clouds lingered were stark white.

I had spent the day on a little "field trip" with my bible study group.  I almost didn't go because I felt terrible.  The muscle spasms seemed to be working overtime, and I was in so much pain.  The Lord was gracious, and I was able to go.  On the way home we stopped by Sonic.  It was a warm day ... on the verge of being a little too warm for me ... so my lemon slush hit the spot.

I commented as we drove home that it had been a fun day despite how I was feeling physically, and I was glad I had gone.

Little did I know my mom had already passed.

Red Buds will never look the same to me.  Spring will never be the same.  I will think of my mom every time I drink a Sonic slush.

Wednesdays will be the day that will mark each week.

March 21 will forever be different.

I have bible study this morning, and I'm not even sure I can go.  I don't know how to explain it, but being with them won't even be the same.

I want to shut myself off from the rest of the world.  I don't want to answer the phone or return text messages.  I don't want to read emails or check Facebook.  I just want to crawl up into a ball and lay in the bed and cry.

But I know my mom would not want that.  The Lord has been so faithful to remind me of how she would tell me I have two girls that need me.

When I recently went through that bad depression my mom's first question every day when I answered the phone was, "How are you feeling?"  All of those days I would tell her, "about the same" she would remind me how much Sara and Hannah needed me, and how I was so blessed to have a husband that loved me.

I would often tease her that she liked Nathan more than she liked me.  She would just laugh and say, "Oh Robin", but she never denied it. : )  In her eyes he could do no wrong.  Even when he disagreed with her.

I have had so many people say to me how strong I am and how brave I am being.

Let me be clear, anything you see is not me.  It's the Lord Jesus.

"And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

I often wonder how I am possibly going to get through the next moment.  My heart hurts so much that I wonder how I am going to take my next breath.  Yet the Lord is faithful and gives me the grace to get through moment by moment.  He helps me take my next step, and He guides me which way to go.

He hasn't abandoned me.  He never will.  And in those moments I can't even take my next step, He carries me in His everlasting arms.

"My grace is sufficient ..."

It's been exactly one week since my mom passed away.  Every day hurts more than the day before.

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit." ~ Psalm 34:18

The Lord has given me constant reminders of how near He is to me.

This verse has been running through my head for days, and yesterday Mary sent it to me in an email.  I don't think I had even mentioned to her it was on my mind.  So often Connie will also send this very verse alone through a text.

“The LORD your God is in your midst.  A victorious warrior.  He will exult over you with joy.  He will quiet you in His love.  He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.” ~ Zephaniah 3:17

This is a hard day.  As time ticks on I find myself wondering, "Was she still alive last Wednesday at this time?"

In the big picture it doesn't really matter.  I know at this time, on this Wednesday, she is with Jesus.

The day after she died the Dogwoods bloomed more beautiful than I have ever seen them.  They seem to be all around me and stand out even more than the Red Buds do.

Dogwoods will never look the same to me.  They will forever be a reminder to me my mama is with Jesus.

That truth gives me joy in the midst of my suffering.

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