My Jesus is the Same

We've reached 10 weeks since my Mama went to be with Jesus.  I've been wondering all morning how long will I count the weeks and then begin to only count the months.  I don't even want to think about years.  Just adding up the weeks and beginning to count the months along with them is more than I can process.  It seems like forever since I've talked to her, seen her, hugged her.  Sometimes I think I would do anything to have the chance to do all of those things once again, but once I remember that would require her to leave heaven, I quickly realize I actually wouldn't do anything.  As much as I love her, and I love her more than my heart could ever fully express, Jesus loves her infinitely more.

Hearing her say, "I'll talk to you tomorrow" still replays over and over in my head.  I still pick up the phone to call her without even realizing what I'm doing.  I cry every day.  When I see my dad's name pop up on the caller ID my first thought is it's her.  The hours between 12:00 pm and 2:00 pm continue to be hard.  Wednesdays I dread still.  I wonder how long will those things continue to happen frequently?

It still hurts so much at times I don't know how I'm going to take my next breath.  The void ... the black hole ... continues to get bigger.  After buying flowers to put together for her grave once they finally get the stone laid, I went home and sobbed.  I felt like I was moving in slow motion through the aisles.  I don't know how I would have ever done it without Mary's help.

Going to the cemetery every day has just become a normal part of life.

So has living with a broken heart.

Yet in the midst of all of the pain and sorrow, there is one thing that is even more constant than all of that.

My Jesus is still the same as He was 10 weeks and one day ago as He is today.  He is still faithful.  He continues to carry me and hold me.  He comforts me in a way no one else has or ever will.  He is my hope ... my only hope.  Somehow, even in the middle of all of the chaos going on in my heart, He gives me the peace that passes all understanding.  He is my rock.

I was sharing with my bible study group yesterday how one of the first things I thought about after my Mama died was ...

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." ~ Hebrews 13:8

As I sat on the carport as they were preparing to bring my mom out of her house, this verse kept replaying over and over in my mind.  I kept saying over and over, "My Jesus is the same, my Jesus is the same."  I've held tightly to this truth every moment since then.

I'm currently attending a bible study over the 23 Psalm.  I've always just thought of this Psalm as the one that is almost always read at a funeral.  My uncle referenced it at the graveside the day we buried her.  However, I will never think of it the same way again.  It has so much more meaning to me.  It's such a vivid picture of how the Lord truly is our Shepherd.  An illustration of how He constantly watches over us, protects us and leads us exactly to where we need to be.

I am His sheep, and He is my Shepherd.  A protective Shepherd who not only constantly watches over me, but a Shepherd that is constantly pouring His grace and mercy upon me.  He's always done this in the past.  His doing it this very moment.  And He will be doing it when the weeks and months turn into years.


I couldn't survive this pain otherwise.

"Relationships 101"

This past Sunday our pastor's sermon was on relationships.  I can't seem to locate my bulletin and notes at the moment, but if I remember correctly his title was, "Relationships 101".  He based it on I Thessalonians 3:17-18 ... at least those are the two verses that stick out in my mind but there may have been a few more.

Anyhoo, it has had me thinking and praying all week about relationships I have within my family and friends.  Verse 17 has been replaying over and over in my mind ...

"But we, brethren, having been taken away from you for a short while— in person, not in spirit—were all the more eager with great desire to see your face." ~ I Thessalonians 3:17

Who do I most want to spend my time with?  Who am I most eager to see?

Those were questions Caleb asked us during his sermon, and immediately several names came to my mind.  As looked around the room my heart would smile just at the thought of spending time with the friends I had around me.  I then thought about others ... family members and friends who don't go to my church.  I thought of my Mama and my Nannie and how I can't wait to see them again some day.  And I thought of Jesus and how I can't wait to spend eternity crawled up in His lap sharing my heart.

But almost as quick as my heart was smiling thinking of those I long to spend time with, I became sad and angry at the thought of having to spend time with others.

I know that sounds awful, but you must admit you have those thoughts too.  We all do.

I have more than my fair share of those people in my life, but I'm also very blessed to be surrounded with people who I love to just be with.  I love just being with people.  I love and I need it.  Especially lately.  Spending very much time alone at all since my Mama died has not been a good thing.  I don't do well at all.

As I've been thinking about relationships this past week, I've thought a lot about those who have rallied around me the past couple of months.  Actually since I became sick four and half years ago.  Mostly the past two months have stuck out in my mind, and the Lord has reminded of how blessed I am.

And Satan has reminded me of those who have failed me.

As of late, one person keeps coming to my mind more than others.  It's painful, and it makes me angry at the same time to even think about her.  This is someone I was close to when we were kids, and we spent a lot of time together.  She has yet to mention my mom's passing to me.  She didn't come to the funeral home, nor did she come to the funeral.  She hasn't called or texted.  She hasn't even said anything to me on Facebook.  I knew I would be seeing her recently, and I dreaded it to the point it made me sick.  I really didn't know how I would handle it.  I am not good at pretending everything is okay.  Frankly, I've spent so much energy trying to pretend lately I'm exhausted.  I was fearful my anger would get the best of me, and I would say something I would regret.  I almost didn't go to this event because of it.

Even when I saw her face to face, she still didn't mention it.  I wanted to scream at her and ask her, "You do remember my Mama died, right?  Do you even care?".

The Lord was gracious and held my tongue.

And He was also quick to remind me of how I have failed others also.  Family and friends that I haven't been there for like I should have been.  He showed me just how self-righteous I was being.

Ouch.

I can't control how others treat me, but I can control how I respond.  I allowed Satan to squeeze his way into a time the Lord was showing me how blessed I am.  Just as Caleb reminded us on Sunday, he comes to rob, steal and kill our joy.  And I let him.

As I've been so vividly been shown my own sin, I've thought about how I've also neglected my relationship with the Lord so many times.  I don't spend nearly enough time with Him.  I don't pray as often as I should, and I'm certainly not spending enough time in His word.

I need to be more focused on nurturing my relationship with Jesus, and less time focused on how someone has hurt me.

My relationship with the Lord should be the most important relationship I have in my life.  He is the One I should long to see more than any other.  That's the first and most important thing I should learn in "Relationships 101".

MercyMe - The Hurt & The Healer with lyrics

Nine Wednesdays

Monday marked two months since my Mama was called home, and just two days later marks nine weeks.  Nine Wednesdays ago today.  Two months seemed like a long time, but nine weeks seems so much longer to me.  It's amazing how only two days can make such a difference in my heart.

Monday I got the phone call from my dad that my mom's headstone is finally here.  Two months to the day after she went to be with Jesus it finally arrived.  I have been anxiously awaiting it to get here.  It's hard looking at the plastic grave marker and not being able to put a big beautiful bouquet of flowers there for her.  She loved flowers.  She loved getting them, and she loved when the grandchildren would pick them for her from the ones my dad had grown.  So I want her to always have a big bouquet of beautiful flowers.

As much as I have awaited the headstone to arrive, hearing it was here felt like a stab in the stomach.  Just another reminder this is real and it's forever.  I didn't expect it to be so hard.

Monday night I was given the gift of having a precious conversation with a beloved friend.  She lost her husband just a few short years ago.  As I was telling her the headstone had finally arrived, she shared with me how long it had taken her to order one for her husband.  Her exact words to me were, "It's awful it took so long ..."

I immediately told her it wasn't awful.  People grieve differently and not everyone goes through certain parts of the process at the same rate.  I explained to her I don't know if I could have ordered it so quickly.  Just sitting in the room flipping through books made the room spin around me.  But my dad was insistent on getting it ordered as quickly as possible.  I am so grateful he did, but I'm not sure I could have done it so soon.

What struck me during our conversation were the tears that began to stream down her face during our conversation.  It hit me that although it had become a little easier for her to get through the day to day activities of life, the wound in her heart was just as fresh as the day it happened.

Lord, thank you for showing me it not just  me.

My friend has a deep relationship with the Lord.  He is her everything.  She doesn't have to say it with her mouth, her actions scream it.  I've had the privilege of being in Grace group with her and her children.  The evidence of her children's hearts shows the teaching and the example she has been to them.  I know that I know she has sought and trusted the Lord in her grief.  So seeing her tears was encouraging to my heart that's it's okay to cry ... it's okay that it still hurts so much.  It's okay as long as I seek and trust the Lord in my grief.  I've been told just the opposite so many times over the past two months.

I was so tired and in so much pain that night, I almost sent my family to the graduation without me.  I didn't make the final decision to go until moments before leaving.  I am grateful the Lord gave me the willingness and the strength to go.  I wanted to go badly, but I was torn because of the way I was feeling.  Not only did I get to witness two young men who are very dear to my heart walk across the stage, I was also given the gift of having one of the comforting conversations I've had since my Mom's passing.

It's still going to be a few days before the headstone is set.  The people who are responsible for setting it told my dad yesterday they hope to have it done by the weekend, but they couldn't guarantee it.  It's going to be hard to see her name and date of death permanently marked.

But how joyous it is her name is marked permanently in the Lamb's book of Life!

Lord, help me to focus on the surety I have she isn't in that ground.  She's with you.

After leaving the cemetery last night I saw this in the sky.

 

Thank you, Lord, for such a beautiful reminder of Your promises.