Tuesday, February 28, 2012

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 57

Last night as I listened to Nathan while he was expressing the anger and hurt for his friend, I was reminded once again how blessed I am to be his wife.  This friend is currently going through a devastating time in her marriage.  Nathan's heart is aching for her, and he has righteous anger toward her husband.  All through the night the Lord has flooded my mind with all reasons I have to be grateful for in Nathan.  We have been through so much in the 18 years we have been together.  There have been so many times when many men would have just walked away.

I am blessed.

As I was watching the sunrise this morning and being reminded of God's unfailing love for us, I thought about Caleb's sermon on Sunday.  Toward the end of his sermon he used the illustration of how we can't look directly at sun.  However, we can look directly at the moon, and the moon is a reflection of the sun.  He asked us to consider if we are a reflection of God's son.  When I look at Nathan that's exactly what I see.

I am blessed.

Nathan's love for our Heavenly Father has given him such a tender heart.  He cares so much for others.  When they are joyful, he is joyful.  When they hurt, he hurts.  Over the years I've watched so many come to him in time of need.  My brother said one time, "When Nathan is around you get this feeling like everything is going to be okay.  He makes you feel safe."  I concur.

I am blessed.

He is dependable.  He is trustworthy.  He is honest.  He is patient.  He is kind.  He is respectful.  He is longsuffering.  He loves his friends.  He loves his family.  He loves Jesus.

I am blessed.

He knows he's not perfect.  He understand his desperate need for Jesus ... a Saviour ... a Redeemer.

I am blessed.

Over the past four years he has spent days at a time sleeping in a chair by my hospital bed.  He has sat quietly by my bed hours at a time asking me every once in awhile, "What can I get you?"  When I was in the hospital 100 miles away from our home, he traveled back and forth every day dividing his time between me and our girls.  He has had to take on such a heavy load in our household.  He has had to help bathe me and dress me.  He has held me when I've sobbed and listened to me when I have screamed in frustration and anger.  He has been my encourager and my biggest cheerleader.  He has helped me off the floor when I've fallen.  He has been there ... day in and day out ... doing whatever was best for me.  Never once has he complained.  I am here ... I love you ... I want to help you ... I do this because I want to ... we will get through this together.  Those are the things he has said to me a million times over the past four eighteen years.

I am blessed.

Nathan is a gift from the Lord Jesus that I often take for granted.  I often fail to say, "thank you".  I often forget how blessed I am to have him by my side.  So when I hear the hurt in his voice for a friend who is struggling in her marriage and I read a Facebook status of a friend who is devastated because her marriage is ending divorce, I find myself being reminded of all the reasons I have to be grateful in him.  I am reminded of how deeply I love him and how deeply he loves me.  I am grateful, honored and humbled to be his wife.

I am so very blessed.

Monday, February 27, 2012

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Days 53-56

Day 53 was last Thursday.  Mary came and got me and went to lunch.  We talked 90 miles a minute and covered about 20 topics.  I cherish my time with her.  I am so grateful to have a friend who loves me unconditionally.

Day 54 was Friday.  Deborah picked me up and I hung out on her couch all afternoon.  On the way to her house we stopped at Sonic, of course, and Ocha to pick up lunch.  I am almost certain I heard one of her twins say, "wa" (water) when I got in her van.  She almost always gets the boys a cup of water at Sonic and they think it's the greatest thing.  I think they correlate Sonic and me.  Deborah said they probably think, "Oh, she getting in the van.  We must be going to Sonic."  I am grateful for Deborah.  She is one of the most genuine, sweetest people I know.

Day 55 was Saturday.  I was exhausted from getting out of the house two days in a row.  I could barely hold up my head.  I didn't do anything all day long.  I am grateful I can rest when I need to rest.  I am grateful I was able to sleep some too.  I haven't slept well lately.

Day 56 was Sunday.  I am grateful I was able to go to church.  It seemed "ify" because I felt rough.  I am so glad I was able to go.  I have a rough week when I have to miss.  And I needed to hear yesterday's sermon desperately.  I also got to hug my sweet friend Sarah bye.  She headed back to South Korea today.  I am really grateful I was able to spend sometime with her while she was here.  She has such a precious heart.

Who Am I?

It's been a long month.  I have felt like a whack-a-mole trying to come out of my hole, but getting hit every time my head pops up.  I am still amazed that medicine could put me in such a deep depression, and just as I would start to come out of it something would whack me on the head to add to that depression.  I think I am finally coming out of it though.  I'm still getting whacked on the head from time to time, but I'm learning to trust the Lord through it all.

I still read Jesus Calling by Sarah Young almost every day.  I actually just sent a copy of it to someone who is also going through a tough time.  It's been a blessing and has given me more "ah-ha" moments than I can count.  Today says ...

"KEEP YOUR EYES ON ME!  Waves of adversity are washing over you, and you feel tempted to give up.  As your circumstances consume more and more of your attention, you are losing sight of Me.  Yet I am with you always, holding you by your right hand.  I am fully aware of your situation, and I will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear.
Your gravest danger is worrying about tomorrow.  If you try to carry tomorrow's burdens today, you will stagger under the load and eventually fall flat.  You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today.  It is in the present moment that I walk close to you, helping you carry your burdens.  Keep your focus on My Presence in the present."  Reference Psalm 73:23; I Corinthians 10:13

I am a worrier.  I worry about what is to come tomorrow a lot.  When I am depressed is when I worry the most, and let me tell you, I have been consumed with worry the past month.  I fear depression because I know what it's grip can do to me.  But while I was fearing depression, I forgot how much more powerful God is.  I took my eyes off of Him.  Once again, just like Peter, I began to sink back in my hole.

Jesus tell us in John 10:10 that satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.  He has tried so hard to do just that to me lately.  He has hit me in ways I never saw coming.  Ways that left in standing in total disbelief at what was happening.  Ways that put me in such a deep depression I began to question everything I knew to be true.

"Be Who You Are".  This was the title of the sermon yesterday.  As His children we are to be salt and light (Matthew 5:13-16).  As Caleb walked us through what it meant to be salt and light, I kept thinking back to something a "friend" said to me a couple of weeks ago.

Out of the blue she walked up to me at church and said one of the most hurtful things that has ever been said to me.  To sum it up, she told me my witness stunk.  "You don't even know if you are really a Christian", she said.  Yes, I have times I question, but if you are truly my friend you know those questions are in my head and not my heart.  My heart knows that I belong to the Lord.  My heart knows that Jesus hung on a cross and paid my ransom.  My head, however, has a hard time understanding why.  Why would Jesus do that for me?  I know how wicked my heart is and yet He chose to die for me.  How can it be so simple that all I have to do is believe?

My head has so many questions, but my heart is so certain.

She told me I was too vocal about my questions.  I shouldn't share so much.  Only a "true friend" would be willing to tell me I needed to keep such things to myself.

"Be Who You Are"

Her words caused me days of questioning who I really was.  I spent hours upon days crying, wondering, praying.  The Lord sent many friends my way to speak the truth to me, but I just couldn't hear what they were saying to me.  During a conversation with Darryl one day he said to me ... I know you better than they do and I disagree ... you are discounting what we are saying and putting so much more weight in what this person said.

He was right.  I was totally discounting the words of those who know me.  The Lord was speaking so clearly to me, but it was falling on deaf ears.  Until ...

A couple of weeks ago I bought Casting Crowns new CD.  I ran across it when I was looking for something else and picked it up.  Days went by before I opened it up and took the time to listen to it.  Thursday morning, as I stood over the stove making my grilled cheese and bacon sandwich, I was stopped dead in my tracks as the tears started to flow.  This is what I heard ...

I heard Him loud and clear in that very moment.

"Be Who You Are"

I have so many questions.  I am vocal about them, and I don't mind asking the questions that seem "stupid" because my need for answers is greater than how it may make me look.  I question, and I search for answers.  It keeps me face down at the foot of the cross.

Isn't that who we are supposed to be?  Humbled and broken ... in desperate need of Him ... knowing that only He can give us what we need?  How else can we ever be salt and light if we don't show our need for Him?

My heart knows who I am.  I know that I am His and He is mine.  My questions only bring me closer to Him as I search for the answers only He can give.  And maybe ... just maybe ... my willingness to be open about my questions is helping someone else to see they aren't alone.  They aren't the only one with questions.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 52

Some days it's hard to focus on what there is to be grateful for, but today is definitely not one of those days.  Sara was in a minor fender bender this afternoon.  She is okay, no one was hurt and her car only has a small dent in the bumper.  I think Nathan and I may have aged 20 years in about 5 minutes though.

I could tell by the tone of her voice something was wrong, and when she prefaced what she had to say by, "Before you freak out, I'm okay.", I knew she had been in an accident.  I had just sent Nathan a text asking him where he was because he was supposed to have already been home, so as I was hearing her talk I kept telling myself everything was okay because her daddy was there with her.  Until he comes walking through the door.  She hadn't called him yet.  Even though she was obviously okay, all I could think of at that point was my baby girl was in a car accident, she's laying on the side of the road and she is all by herself.  When actually is was a minor fender bender, she was okay and she was already with her friend she was headed to meet.  See how depression makes everything so much worse than it actually is?!?!

Tonight I am grateful the Lord protected my baby.  I am also grateful no one was hurt in either fender bender.  Sara's nerves are a bit shaken, but it's been a good learning experience as to just how quickly something can happen.  She also was very quick to recognize the Lord had protected her ... another thing I am grateful for.

Now I think I may go peek in on her and watch her breathe for awhile like I used to do when she was a baby.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Days 43-51

I had hoped that by the time I felt like writing again I would be able to write about how much I better I was feeling, but I don't.  In some ways I feel worse.  I don't really know what has happened, but somehow this crazy depression that set in as a result of the medicine I was taking has spiraled out of control.  I thought I was feeling better.  I even had friends tell me they thought I looked like I was feeling better, but I quickly realized deep down I still feel crummy.  I went from thinking I was going to be okay to crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath in about 60 seconds.

All of last week I was deliberate in doing something each day that I didn't "feel" like doing but I thought would help.

Day 44 ~  I decided to go to bunco and had a good time.  I laughed a lot.  I got to spend some time with my friend, Sarah, who is home for a visit.  She's living in South Korea for awhile teaching.

Day 45 ~  I went to bible study.  I did not want to go at all.  I sort of wish I had not gone, but I did get to spend some more time with Sarah.  And I got to hear her precious heart as she shared her thoughts.  Even though part of me wishes I hadn't gone, it really was good I did.

Day 46 ~ I seriously thought about skipping out on the Youth and Children's Committee meeting I had that night, but I went.  The highlights of the night are ... Nathan took me to get a Sonic coke on the way; I got to see Andy laugh harder than I've ever seen him laugh when I told him the story of how my friend drove up the sidewalk to drop me off at the door at church one Sunday; I got to hear about how a guy I went to high school with was living his life for the Lord and was going to be the speaker at the Winter Retreat for our youth.

Day 47 ~ At the last minute, at the strong urging of a friend, I decided to go to a fellowship for the women in our church.  I was really glad I went.  It was a fun, sweet time, and I laughed harder than I've laughed in weeks with the two ladies I rode with in the car.

Day 48 ~  I had breakfast with my friend, Elizabeth.  She picked me and we went to Chick-fil-a for a biscuit.  We talked non-stop and lost all track of time.  I really did feel better when she dropped me off.  After she dropped me off, Nathan and Sara met me at Wal-mart to do some grocery shopping.  I just about had a nervous breakdown.  I don't know what I was thinking going to Wal-mart the day before they were calling for snow ... except snow or no snow we needed food.  Later that afternoon Sara drove me to a nearby town, and we went purse shopping.  As happy as I was to finally get a new purse ... and I didn't even buy the one I've had my eye on for months ... I was even more excited to spend a couple of hours with just Sara.  We stopped off for Sonic drinks on the way back and made a quick trip to Krogers to buy meat (I'm weird about where I will and will not buy meat).  Then we headed home to pick up Nathan and Hannah for dinner.  It was a very long day, but it was one of the best I've had in a long time.  So, come Sunday morning I felt so much better ... or so I thought.

Day 49 ~  It snowed all through church.  It was beautiful seeing it falling through the windows behind Caleb as he preached his wrap-up sermon on the Beatitudes.  I was exhausted from the day before, but I thought I was finally feeling better.  Then one conversation after church made me quickly realize feeling better was really on the surface.  It wasn't how I was feeling deep down.  By the end of the day I was more depressed than I had been.

Day 50 ~  Yesterday Nathan and the girls were home from school.  They were out for President's Day.  We just spent a low key day at home.  My in-laws stopped by for a quick visit.  I did some laundry and worked for awhile.  I wondered all day long, "Is this feeling ever going to end?"

Today is day 51.  I know there is so much I have to be grateful for, but at this moment all I want to do is go to bed and cover my head up.  My heart is so heavy, and my head is racing and I can't shut it off.  At least I have a bed I can go to and cover up my head.  That's something to be grateful for, right?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 43

I have made it no secret about how depressed I have been the past week or so.  It's been a long time since I've been this depressed, and what makes it even harder is knowing it is most likely coming from a medicine.  A nasty side effect I was unaware could happen.  It's frustrating to know that although the medicine is now out of my system, the effects still linger.  Hopefully they will be gone within the next week, but no one really knows that for certain.  I told Darryl today I wish my brain would just hurry up and hit "reset".  I am not a patient person by any means, and this is wearing me quite thin.  I don't really have a desire to do much of anything ... well, expect maybe go to the beach.  I haven't been near an ocean in three years.  That was in February, or it might have been January, in the northern part of California.  It was cold and rainy.

Anyway, I'm getting off track.

My desire to do much of anything is nil.  I still haven't ordered that purse I have wanted for so long.  It was pointed out to me today I haven't been returning text or emails, and I'm canceling too many plans with friends.  I just don't have the energy or the want to be social.  I just keep hoping this feeling will go away and things will go back to normal.  Yet every day it lingers, the more afraid I become the feeling isn't going to leave.  I've probably asked Darryl 20 times if he is for sure this is coming from the medicine.  When my friend pointed out how many plans I've canceled and those plans I don't intend to keep this week ... well, it made me even more fearful.  I'm usually bursting at the seams wanting to get out of the house, but now I totally dread the thought of going anywhere.  I don't want to have to talk to anyone.  I don't want to have to answer the questions of all my well-meaning friends.  I don't want to have to pretend I'm just fine so folks won't be concerned.  I don't have then energy for any of it.

So I cancel plans.  I don't answer phone calls or emails.  I avoid everyone.  Not intentional.  I do it without even realizing it.  I have bunco tomorrow night, and I told friends yesterday I wouldn't be there.  I have bible study Wednesday, and I've already told a friend I won't be coming.  The ladies in our church are planning to get together Friday night, and I told someone today I don't intend to go.  I had already made the decision to do none of it without realizing what I was saying.  I even had to make myself go to church yesterday.  I had no desire to go.  I wanted to just go to bed and stay under the covers.

I have a cousin that wants to have what my cousins and I refer to as a "cousins' night out" this weekend.  I agreed to go and as soon as I did I thought, "what have I done?!"  Because staying home seems so much better to me.

But it really isn't better for me.  I know cutting myself off from those who love me and care about me is not good for me at all, but I still do it.  Why?  Because it's so much easier.  It takes much less energy.

And yet I have friends that refuse to allow that to happen.  They drag me out of the house.  They keep calling and texting when I don't answer.  Emails keep coming.  They tell me all the things I don't want to hear but I need to hear.

And they point me to the cross.  So many times Darryl has told me over and over, "I have nothing to offer you other than Jesus."  So many times I've wanted him to "fix" whatever was wrong.  I've yelled at him more times than I care to admit because he couldn't fix it.  After all, he's my doctor.  He's one of my closest, dearest friends.  He's my big brother.  His story has never changed though.  Consistency has been his speciality, "I have nothing to offer you other than Jesus."

That's what those who love us do.  They point us right back to the cross, and sometimes we are blessed enough to have them go with us, even carry us there when we don't have the energy or the want to go ourselves.

That is what I am grateful for tonight.  Being at the foot of the cross, where grace and mercy meet, with those I am blessed to be loved by enough to carry me there.

Thank you, friends.

And thank you Jesus, for not just giving me those friends who go with me, but even more so for giving us a place we can go for everything we need.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Days 40-42

I know I am behind in writing.  I just haven't had the desire to write.  I spend a lot of time crying and wishing this feeling would go away.  I asked Darryl again today, "How much longer until the medicine is out of my system?"  He told me he thinks things I will be back to normal in about a week ... maybe I should clarify that to what is normal for me.  I really hope so.  This has been scary.

So what have I been grateful for the past 3 days ...

I have a Heavenly Father who is always there for me.  He provides for my every single need.  He loves me unconditionally and without end.  His mercies are new every more and His grace has an endless supply.

I have a husband who loves me so much that he has spent hours this weekend hanging pictures for me, and he hasn't complained that we aren't finished yet.

I have two beautiful daughters who love Jesus.

I have the most amazing friends.  Friends who love me enough to not allow me to shut myself off from them just because I don't feel like talking and will listen to me when I need to talk.  Friends who know that sometimes the best thing you can do is hug me and let me cry it out.  Friends that point me straight back to Jesus when I ask the all too familiar question, "why".

Have I mentioned how grateful I am for Jesus?  I am so grateful that I am His and nothing or no one can ever change that.  It's a done deal.  I am His, and He is mine.  I've needed to be reminded of this very truth today.  He knew before my alarm went off this morning what kind of day it was going to be.  He knew one person would send me into a tailspin, so He sent 20 more to remind of me of what is true.

He is mine.  I am His.  His mercies are new every morning.  His grace comes in an endless supply.  He has made provisions for my every need long before I had a clue there was a need.

I have so much to be grateful and I am blessed beyond measure.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 39

I am still feeling really depressed.  It still seems the reason is due to a side effect from the med I began taking two weeks ago.  Darryl gave me the lovely news today it could take 1-2 weeks for the effect to wear off.  Just like it takes time for the med to build up in my system, it will take time to leave my system.  I really did not want to hear that.

However, I made the decision at the beginning of the year to be intentional about trying to focus of the things I have to be grateful for each day.  I admit, it's not always so easy.  My mind naturally wants to veer toward all of the negative things, but I am determined to not let that keep me from focusing on all the blessings I have been given.

The level of the med will be less in my system tomorrow than it was today.  I am grateful.

My friend Deborah showed up on my doorstep this afternoon with a Sonic drink and a hug.  I am grateful.

My mom called today with some encouraging news about someone who has been so heavy on my heart for months now.  I am grateful.

Two of my cousins sent encouraging words to me this morning and reminded me they love me.  I am grateful.

I had several friends call, text and email today to tell me they love me and remind me they are praying for me.  I am grateful.

I had lots of work to keep me busy today.  I am grateful.

The prints I ordered of our family photos came today, and they turned out fabulous.  I am grateful.

Mary reminded me of my own words today ... what I know in my heart to be true ...  "And my friend, Robin, would say, let’s just take one day at a time.  The Lord gave us grace sufficient for today."  I am grateful.

Darryl reminded me of this today, " My confidence concerning you is who you belong to. Our Lord will not let go of you no matter what that medicine did to you. He is All Powerful and does not let Go of His. I will continue to pray!"  I am grateful.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 38

I still don't know why I cry at any given moment.  It just happens.  It doesn't make sense.  I'm just depressed.  Nathan told me last week I could buy the purse I have been wanting and was shocked when I told him last night I still have not ordered it.  He wanted to know what I had done with his wife.  I wish I knew where she was because I don't like how I feel right now.

The decision was made today for me to stop taking the new med I've been taking.  Another side effect I was unaware of could be causing the way I am feeling.  It wasn't helping anyway.  I still have the horrible headache, and I haven't noticed a change in my pain level.  Hopefully, it was what is causing me to be so depressed, and I'll start feeling better in the next few days.  Hopefully.

I am grateful for God's sustaining grace.  I'm grateful that not only has His grace been sufficient thus far, His grace comes in an endless supply.

Monday, February 6, 2012

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 37

I'm having a hard day, and I'm not even sure why.  Nothing bad or earth shattering has happened.  I'm just really depressed.  All I want to do is cry.  Every little thing seems so much bigger and darker than it actually is.  I'm having a very hard time keeping the right perspective of things.  I'm just a weepy mess.

I snapped at a friend at church yesterday.  I was so ugly to her.  I obsessed about it all night last night.  I felt terrible about what I had done.  I called her this morning to apologize and ask her to forgive me.  She immediately forgave me, but it just doesn't seem enough.  While we both agree what I said needed to be said, I should not have said it in the tone I used.  Even though she forgave me, I still feel horrible about it.  Absolutely horrible.  In her eyes it's over.  She isn't angry or upset.  She forgives me.  I don't think it was even that big of an issue to her anyway, but to me it seems enormous.

Everything just seems so much darker.  I wish I knew why.

I went into the kitchen to find something chocolate to eat.  (Yes, I'm an emotional eater.)  We have nothing in this house chocolate to eat.  I thought I hit the jackpot when I saw a pack of Oreos on counter, but when I opened it up it was empty.  So screamed out, "Can no one throw anything in this house away when it's empty?!?!"

I suppose I was talking to the dog because no one else is here.  Bless his heart.  He seems to know something is wrong because he has stayed right by me all day with those big brown eyes looking up at me.

"Lord, can we not even have anything chocolate in this house when I need it?"

"I am all that you need."

At that very moment my phone rang.  It was my friend Elizabeth.

"I had you on my heart and felt like the Lord was telling me I needed to call you.  I just want you to know I am praying for you", she said.

You'll never convince me the Holy Spirit isn't real.

I have so many things to be grateful for in my life.  Right now I just don't feel like I do.  But like a precious friend has told me for years, our feelings will betray us.  I am grateful I have a Heavenly Father that loves me.  He's always there.  He is always enough.  He always gives me exactly what I need at the exact moment I need it.  Sometimes it's comes in the form of a friend's forgiveness.  Sometimes it comes in the form of our dog staying by our side.  Sometimes it comes in the form of having a friend call to let you know she loves you and is praying for you.  

His grace always comes, and it always comes at the very moment and in the exact form we need it.

I like to think sometimes even in the form of Oreos. 

Sunday, February 5, 2012

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 36

It's been a terrible day.  It started out not so great and just went downhill from there.  I have cried off and on all day.  It's just been one of those days where it seems like I can do nothing right.  I have made one mess after another today and frankly, I'm glad the day is coming to an end.  After all, tomorrow is a new day, right?

It's been one of those days where it's hard to be grateful for anything.  It would just be much easier to complain and whine ... and cry some more.  However, when I think back over my day and take inventory of all I have to be thankful for, I realize I have a long list of things.  A very long list.  I'm only going to name one though.  I'm only going to name what I have to be the MOST grateful for today.

My merciful Heavenly Father ... the One that gave me the grace to get through this day.  

My Jesus ... my Savior ... my Redeemer.

Oh how I have needed a Redeemer today!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 35

Tonight we didn't allow either of the girls to make plans with friends, and we all stayed home and watched a movie together.  We finally got around to watching "Courageous".  Sara and I picked it up at Wal-mart the other day.  If you have not seen this movie, you need to.  Such an amazing movie!  You will need a box of Kleenex when you watch it.  I don't want to give the movie away if you haven't seen it, but I think it would be so neat to see the men in our church take the resolution those guys did.  So powerful.

After the movie was over and we all went about our business, I got to thinking about how grateful I am Sara and Hannah have a father who loves the Lord and loves his family.  We are so blessed.

I'm getting teary all over again.  I'm glad no one is sitting in the room with me right at this moment.

I am so grateful we have him.  He is such an amazing man, husband and father.  We are so blessed.

The end.

For now at least because my head hurts too bad to cry again.

Friday, February 3, 2012

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Days 27 - 34

It's been a long week.  I began the new med Dr. Gaw started me on last Thursday night and ended up having side effects I didn't expect.  I didn't even think to ask what the side effects were and failed to read the insert in the pamphlet in the samples he sent home with me.  Some of you may be wondering why on earth I would possibly take a med I had not read the side effects it could have.  I have complete confidence in my doctors.  They know me well and they all know I how I tend to react to meds.  I know none of them would give me anything they thought would harm me.  I would not have blind faith in them.  It took awhile for each of them to gain my trust.  I realize anyone could make a mistake, but I also know we have a sovereign God who I have more trust in than three of them put together.  Grant it, it get fearful at times.  I worry and camp out on all of the "what ifs" at times.  Ultimately, my hope and trust is in Him and Him alone.  It just sometimes takes me awhile to remind myself of what I know.

Anyhoo, it's been a long week.  I've had a horrible headache.  I feel like I have been hit over the back of the head with a bat.  It's also made me very tired and sleepy.  If I sit still for more than just a few minutes I get so sleepy I can hardly hold my eyes open.  I've spent my energy doing the things I've had to do over the past week and all of the other things I've let go.  The sleep has been good, especially since I went so many weeks hardly sleeping at all.  But mercy, sleeping so much is getting old.  The headache is terrible.  It radiates from the back of my head to the front of my head.  I'm going to keep taking it until the end of next week.  I'm going to give it the full 2 weeks he said it would take for me to notice a difference and then make a decision from there to keep taking it or not.  Hopefully by then the side effects will have worn off.

I have kept a list the past week of things I have to be grateful for and I'm just going to quickly list them.  I hope to get back on track with my daily post tomorrow.

Day 27 ~ I am grateful I have nowhere to be and can just rest.

Day 28 ~ I am grateful to finally get my hair done.  I am also grateful I was able to spend a few hours with my friend Deborah while she was doing my hair.  I absolutely adore her.  I love that we can laugh until our stomachs hurt and have some of the sweetest heart to heart conversations.

Day 29 ~ I am grateful I was able to go to church morning and evening.  I heard some of the sweetest testimonies from young adults in Sunday school that I am so grateful I did not miss.  I was able to hear another sermon on the Beatitudes that challenged my heart.  Sunday night I heard a sermon that blessed my heart so much.  When he was finished I found myself asking, "you're done?"

Day 30 ~ I am grateful my parents are celebrating 24 years of marriage.  Don is one of the greatest blessings the Lord has given to my mom, myself and my brothers.

Day 31 ~ I am grateful I was able to cuddle with sweet baby Olivia for about an hour and a half.  We had a going away party for our youth intern and his family at church.  They have two boys and a one week old baby girl.  She is beautiful.

Day 32 ~ I am grateful I was able to make it to bible study.

Day 33 ~ I am grateful I was able to go to Grace group.  I needed it for multiple reasons.  It was such a blessing ... even if I did get picked on. : )

Day 34 ~ I am grateful I have job I can do from home and not have to worry about having to call-in.  I can work for a little bit and then take a nap.  There is no way I could work an 8 hour a day job.

There is so much more I could add to all of those days, but those are the highlights.  However, above all I am grateful I serve a God Who's sustaining grace gets me through each and every day.