Tuesday, February 21, 2012

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Days 43-51

I had hoped that by the time I felt like writing again I would be able to write about how much I better I was feeling, but I don't.  In some ways I feel worse.  I don't really know what has happened, but somehow this crazy depression that set in as a result of the medicine I was taking has spiraled out of control.  I thought I was feeling better.  I even had friends tell me they thought I looked like I was feeling better, but I quickly realized deep down I still feel crummy.  I went from thinking I was going to be okay to crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath in about 60 seconds.

All of last week I was deliberate in doing something each day that I didn't "feel" like doing but I thought would help.

Day 44 ~  I decided to go to bunco and had a good time.  I laughed a lot.  I got to spend some time with my friend, Sarah, who is home for a visit.  She's living in South Korea for awhile teaching.

Day 45 ~  I went to bible study.  I did not want to go at all.  I sort of wish I had not gone, but I did get to spend some more time with Sarah.  And I got to hear her precious heart as she shared her thoughts.  Even though part of me wishes I hadn't gone, it really was good I did.

Day 46 ~ I seriously thought about skipping out on the Youth and Children's Committee meeting I had that night, but I went.  The highlights of the night are ... Nathan took me to get a Sonic coke on the way; I got to see Andy laugh harder than I've ever seen him laugh when I told him the story of how my friend drove up the sidewalk to drop me off at the door at church one Sunday; I got to hear about how a guy I went to high school with was living his life for the Lord and was going to be the speaker at the Winter Retreat for our youth.

Day 47 ~ At the last minute, at the strong urging of a friend, I decided to go to a fellowship for the women in our church.  I was really glad I went.  It was a fun, sweet time, and I laughed harder than I've laughed in weeks with the two ladies I rode with in the car.

Day 48 ~  I had breakfast with my friend, Elizabeth.  She picked me and we went to Chick-fil-a for a biscuit.  We talked non-stop and lost all track of time.  I really did feel better when she dropped me off.  After she dropped me off, Nathan and Sara met me at Wal-mart to do some grocery shopping.  I just about had a nervous breakdown.  I don't know what I was thinking going to Wal-mart the day before they were calling for snow ... except snow or no snow we needed food.  Later that afternoon Sara drove me to a nearby town, and we went purse shopping.  As happy as I was to finally get a new purse ... and I didn't even buy the one I've had my eye on for months ... I was even more excited to spend a couple of hours with just Sara.  We stopped off for Sonic drinks on the way back and made a quick trip to Krogers to buy meat (I'm weird about where I will and will not buy meat).  Then we headed home to pick up Nathan and Hannah for dinner.  It was a very long day, but it was one of the best I've had in a long time.  So, come Sunday morning I felt so much better ... or so I thought.

Day 49 ~  It snowed all through church.  It was beautiful seeing it falling through the windows behind Caleb as he preached his wrap-up sermon on the Beatitudes.  I was exhausted from the day before, but I thought I was finally feeling better.  Then one conversation after church made me quickly realize feeling better was really on the surface.  It wasn't how I was feeling deep down.  By the end of the day I was more depressed than I had been.

Day 50 ~  Yesterday Nathan and the girls were home from school.  They were out for President's Day.  We just spent a low key day at home.  My in-laws stopped by for a quick visit.  I did some laundry and worked for awhile.  I wondered all day long, "Is this feeling ever going to end?"

Today is day 51.  I know there is so much I have to be grateful for, but at this moment all I want to do is go to bed and cover my head up.  My heart is so heavy, and my head is racing and I can't shut it off.  At least I have a bed I can go to and cover up my head.  That's something to be grateful for, right?

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