Monday, February 6, 2012

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 37

I'm having a hard day, and I'm not even sure why.  Nothing bad or earth shattering has happened.  I'm just really depressed.  All I want to do is cry.  Every little thing seems so much bigger and darker than it actually is.  I'm having a very hard time keeping the right perspective of things.  I'm just a weepy mess.

I snapped at a friend at church yesterday.  I was so ugly to her.  I obsessed about it all night last night.  I felt terrible about what I had done.  I called her this morning to apologize and ask her to forgive me.  She immediately forgave me, but it just doesn't seem enough.  While we both agree what I said needed to be said, I should not have said it in the tone I used.  Even though she forgave me, I still feel horrible about it.  Absolutely horrible.  In her eyes it's over.  She isn't angry or upset.  She forgives me.  I don't think it was even that big of an issue to her anyway, but to me it seems enormous.

Everything just seems so much darker.  I wish I knew why.

I went into the kitchen to find something chocolate to eat.  (Yes, I'm an emotional eater.)  We have nothing in this house chocolate to eat.  I thought I hit the jackpot when I saw a pack of Oreos on counter, but when I opened it up it was empty.  So screamed out, "Can no one throw anything in this house away when it's empty?!?!"

I suppose I was talking to the dog because no one else is here.  Bless his heart.  He seems to know something is wrong because he has stayed right by me all day with those big brown eyes looking up at me.

"Lord, can we not even have anything chocolate in this house when I need it?"

"I am all that you need."

At that very moment my phone rang.  It was my friend Elizabeth.

"I had you on my heart and felt like the Lord was telling me I needed to call you.  I just want you to know I am praying for you", she said.

You'll never convince me the Holy Spirit isn't real.

I have so many things to be grateful for in my life.  Right now I just don't feel like I do.  But like a precious friend has told me for years, our feelings will betray us.  I am grateful I have a Heavenly Father that loves me.  He's always there.  He is always enough.  He always gives me exactly what I need at the exact moment I need it.  Sometimes it's comes in the form of a friend's forgiveness.  Sometimes it comes in the form of our dog staying by our side.  Sometimes it comes in the form of having a friend call to let you know she loves you and is praying for you.  

His grace always comes, and it always comes at the very moment and in the exact form we need it.

I like to think sometimes even in the form of Oreos. 

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