Monday, February 27, 2012

Who Am I?

It's been a long month.  I have felt like a whack-a-mole trying to come out of my hole, but getting hit every time my head pops up.  I am still amazed that medicine could put me in such a deep depression, and just as I would start to come out of it something would whack me on the head to add to that depression.  I think I am finally coming out of it though.  I'm still getting whacked on the head from time to time, but I'm learning to trust the Lord through it all.

I still read Jesus Calling by Sarah Young almost every day.  I actually just sent a copy of it to someone who is also going through a tough time.  It's been a blessing and has given me more "ah-ha" moments than I can count.  Today says ...

"KEEP YOUR EYES ON ME!  Waves of adversity are washing over you, and you feel tempted to give up.  As your circumstances consume more and more of your attention, you are losing sight of Me.  Yet I am with you always, holding you by your right hand.  I am fully aware of your situation, and I will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear.
Your gravest danger is worrying about tomorrow.  If you try to carry tomorrow's burdens today, you will stagger under the load and eventually fall flat.  You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today.  It is in the present moment that I walk close to you, helping you carry your burdens.  Keep your focus on My Presence in the present."  Reference Psalm 73:23; I Corinthians 10:13

I am a worrier.  I worry about what is to come tomorrow a lot.  When I am depressed is when I worry the most, and let me tell you, I have been consumed with worry the past month.  I fear depression because I know what it's grip can do to me.  But while I was fearing depression, I forgot how much more powerful God is.  I took my eyes off of Him.  Once again, just like Peter, I began to sink back in my hole.

Jesus tell us in John 10:10 that satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.  He has tried so hard to do just that to me lately.  He has hit me in ways I never saw coming.  Ways that left in standing in total disbelief at what was happening.  Ways that put me in such a deep depression I began to question everything I knew to be true.

"Be Who You Are".  This was the title of the sermon yesterday.  As His children we are to be salt and light (Matthew 5:13-16).  As Caleb walked us through what it meant to be salt and light, I kept thinking back to something a "friend" said to me a couple of weeks ago.

Out of the blue she walked up to me at church and said one of the most hurtful things that has ever been said to me.  To sum it up, she told me my witness stunk.  "You don't even know if you are really a Christian", she said.  Yes, I have times I question, but if you are truly my friend you know those questions are in my head and not my heart.  My heart knows that I belong to the Lord.  My heart knows that Jesus hung on a cross and paid my ransom.  My head, however, has a hard time understanding why.  Why would Jesus do that for me?  I know how wicked my heart is and yet He chose to die for me.  How can it be so simple that all I have to do is believe?

My head has so many questions, but my heart is so certain.

She told me I was too vocal about my questions.  I shouldn't share so much.  Only a "true friend" would be willing to tell me I needed to keep such things to myself.

"Be Who You Are"

Her words caused me days of questioning who I really was.  I spent hours upon days crying, wondering, praying.  The Lord sent many friends my way to speak the truth to me, but I just couldn't hear what they were saying to me.  During a conversation with Darryl one day he said to me ... I know you better than they do and I disagree ... you are discounting what we are saying and putting so much more weight in what this person said.

He was right.  I was totally discounting the words of those who know me.  The Lord was speaking so clearly to me, but it was falling on deaf ears.  Until ...

A couple of weeks ago I bought Casting Crowns new CD.  I ran across it when I was looking for something else and picked it up.  Days went by before I opened it up and took the time to listen to it.  Thursday morning, as I stood over the stove making my grilled cheese and bacon sandwich, I was stopped dead in my tracks as the tears started to flow.  This is what I heard ...

I heard Him loud and clear in that very moment.

"Be Who You Are"

I have so many questions.  I am vocal about them, and I don't mind asking the questions that seem "stupid" because my need for answers is greater than how it may make me look.  I question, and I search for answers.  It keeps me face down at the foot of the cross.

Isn't that who we are supposed to be?  Humbled and broken ... in desperate need of Him ... knowing that only He can give us what we need?  How else can we ever be salt and light if we don't show our need for Him?

My heart knows who I am.  I know that I am His and He is mine.  My questions only bring me closer to Him as I search for the answers only He can give.  And maybe ... just maybe ... my willingness to be open about my questions is helping someone else to see they aren't alone.  They aren't the only one with questions.

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