Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Rest In His Grace, Mercy and Love

If I'm completely honest, I don't feel very thankful lately.  In fact, I've thrown some major pity parties.  I've been really sick for about 2 weeks now.  I've had a wicked virus that has knocked me down.  So much so, my weakness has increased to the point that just walking across the floor leaves my body shaking.  It's scary.  I keep wondering if this has kicked my CIDP into high gear ... which leaves me constantly wondering, "Will I be able to walk tomorrow?"

I haven't been this sick in a long time.  By the grace of God, I've managed to escape getting sick.  It's been almost 3 years since my last hospital admission.  I've been able to experience life out of the house more, and we were even able to let go of my homehealth nurses.  Things we good ... and fun.

And I took it all for granted.

And I miss my mama so much I can't stop crying today.  I just want to be able to pick up the phone and call her.

When does it get easier?

Does it ever get easier?

She loved the holidays.  She loved all of us getting together.  She loved family and having all of them in the same room.  Loud and crazy as it was, she loved it.  It's so hard to believe we are about to do Thanksgiving for the second year without her.  My heart still hurts so much.  It's still so raw at times.

And we've had another death in our family.  Nathan's uncle John passed early Saturday morning.  It's so hard to explain to our girls why so many people around us keep dying.  I don't even understand it myself.

John was precious, quick-witted and funny.  Hannah's sense of humor and quick-wit reminds me so much of John.  The past year was really hard for him.  He was so sick, and life was a constant struggle for him.  He is going to be greatly missed.  I worry about Nathan's grandfather.  He's almost 90.  I can't imagine loosing a child.

Life can be so hard to understand.  So many whys constantly go through my heart.

All I know is God is always good, and I am always loved.  I've had to say those words to myself a million times over.

God is always good, and I am always loved.

I have had to repeat this to myself so much lately because there have been moments doubts have crept into my heart, and I've wondered if He really loves me.  We have some really major stuff going on in our family right now.  Hard, hurtful things.  We had to make a life-changing decision last week that  will change what our every day life looks like.  We prayed for a long time about this decision, and we have a  complete peace that this is what the Lord wants us to do.  It's still scary though.  Full of unknowns.

Sunday night I sobbed and poured my heart out to Darryl.  Bless him.  Everyone needs a big brother like him.  He sat quietly and listened while I spilled my guts, and then said, "Robin, you are going to be okay."

I told him I didn't believe him.  He smiled and said, "I know you don't.  But I know the Holy Spirit that lives inside of you ... so I know you are going to be okay."

God is always good, and I am always loved.

Even though Darryl can't tell me my CIDP hasn't begun progressing again, he can still tell me that even if it is I'm going to be okay ... only because of Jesus.  Okay may not look like what I think okay should be, but I know He will never leave me or forsake me.  For some reason all this chaos and pain is for my good and His glory.  I just don't know what that reason is just yet.  I may never know this side of Heaven, but I can trust and hold tight to the One that created me.

I checked email a little bit ago and found an email Mary sent me this morning.  It read,

Hope you are continuing to improve a bit each day.
Praying for you to rest well, to rest in the Lord, and to experience the joy thanksgiving.  
We will give thanks to God not because of how we feel, but because of who He is. Ann Voskamp

Love you,


"We will give thanks to God not because of how we feel, but because of who He is." ~ Ann Voskamp 

I don't feel like giving thanks.  I'd rather just wallow in the hard, hurts of life.  I'm just so tired, and wish life was different than it is at this very moment.

But as I scrolled through all the emails I have stacked up in my inbox, I found this one that was sent from Connie on Sunday.  She sent it to Mary and I.

Hey you two precious ladies : )
There was a song sung as a special in church this morning that I wanted to share with y'all. Hannah says it isn't new, (just new to me) ~ but the you tube video at one point seemed cheesy....so, I'm sending just the words. The melody is also very poignant...so hope you get to hear it at some point too : ).
Love y'all so very much. I am praying for you this holiday week. Miss worshiping with you.
hug each other from me.

"Your Hands"
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

The YouTube video is a bit cheesy in places, but it's worth it to hear the melody of the song.  They actually play this song often on the Pandora station I listen to.

God is always good, and I am always loved. 

There is a lot of hurt around us right now.  In addition to all that is going on in our household, we have family and friends who are struggling with so many different things.  Hard things.  My prayer list is very long.  Life is full of uncertainty.  It hurts and is often scary.

I had a conversation with my friend Lacy last week about how our hearts so easily can be so full of fear.  But just as easily as we can have fearful hearts, we can always trust the Lord.  We can trust in the sovereignty of our Heavenly Father, and the love of the Jesus who died for our sins.  We can rest in knowing God is always faithful and trustworthy.  Nothing takes Him by surprise, and He is always in control.  He is always full of grace, mercy and love for His children.

"Praying for you to rest well, to rest in the Lord, and to experience the joy thanksgiving."

Rest in the LORD.  Rest in His love, mercy and grace.  Rest in the goodness of the perfect plan He has for your life.

I really do have much to be thankful for right now.  Even in the hard places of life there is much to be thankful.

God is always good, and I am always loved.

p.s. I strongly encourage you to read Ann Voskamp's blog post that Mary sent me the link to in her email.