Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Worst Dream

I've just had the worst dream of my entire life, and I've had some doozies.  My heart won't stop racing, and I'm sick to my stomach.  Not to mention how much I've cried since waking up.

I was standing in my mom's livingroom and when I turned around to say something to her, she collapsed.  Nathan called 911 while I tried to wake her.

"Mama, Mama wake up!!  Wake up, Mama!!"

The next thing I remember we were in the ER.  She was alive but in a coma.  I don't know what happened to her.  She was lifeless but breathing on her own.  We took her home and took care of her for weeks, until one night she stopped breathing while I was alone with her.  I had to call 911 again.  I drove all the way to the hospital on the ambulance's tail.

"Please don't let her be dead, Lord!!  Please don't let her be dead!!", I prayed all the way to the hospital. 

I pulled up right behind the ambulance and parked.  I jumped out of my car and followed them into the room as the paramedics wheeled her in.  After they got her settled I walked up to the stretcher.

"Oh, Mama, I love you!!  I love you so much!!", I was sobbing.

She opened her eyes.

"Why are you crying?", she asked me.  Her speech was a little slurred and her voice was weak.

Before I could say a word, the nurses escorted me out of the room and sat me down at a nurses station just outside the door.  I sat there for what seemed like hours.  I decided I couldn't wait any longer, so I knocked on the door.

My Mama said, "Come in".

When I heard her voice I burst through the door and started yelling, "You're alive, Mama.  You're alive.  Praise Jesus, you're alive."

And then I woke up.

It took me a couple of minutes to realize it was just a dream.  She isn't alive.

The more I realized it was just a dream the more my stomach hurt.  Before I knew it I was sobbing.  I had the same feeling I did when I was walking up her driveway, and I realized she really had died when I saw all of the detectives and sheriff deputies walking around outside.

Only this time it was more intense.

I've wished for weeks now I would wake up from a dream and things wouldn't be as they are now.  However, my wish was in the dream she was dead, and I'd wake up realize she was alive.

Since the day she died I've dreaded sleep.  Every time I wake up it takes a few minutes for me to realize she has died.  It's like reliving it all over again.

Nothing compares to this though.

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