Thursday, April 26, 2012

I Hate His Plan

As I sit here with tears streaming down my face and a sick feeling in my stomach, I'm wondering how am I possibly going to get through this day.  I'm having to fight the want to go to bed, pulling the covers over my head and shutting the rest of the world out.  I've had that thought often the past few weeks.  I keep wondering how the pain can possibly get any worse, yet every day it seems to grow.  The void ... the huge hole ... the enormous black hole in my life ... grows larger with each passing day.  I just keep thinking about how much I want my Mama back.  I see her in everything.  Everything I look at, everything I hear reminds me of her.

I felt this exact same way all day yesterday.

Yesterday was Wednesday.  How Wednesday got here so quickly again I have no idea.  It was the five week mark.  Five weeks since I've heard her voice.  Five weeks since that horrific phone call from my dad.  How can it be five weeks but feel in my heart like it all just happened yesterday?

Oh, how I miss her!

Yesterday was a horrible day.  Probably the worst yet.  I spent the day at home alone sobbing most of the day.  I tried to stay busy to get my mind on something else, but nothing worked.  All I could think of was her and how much I miss her.

Nightmares are becoming an every night thing.  For two nights in a row I've had the same one.  She's calling out for someone to help her.  I can hear her, but I can't get to her no matter how much I try.  I try calling out for someone to help her, but I can't get the words to come out of my mouth.  Then I wake up yelling "help".

It's an awful feeling, and it sticks with me.  It stuck with me all day yesterday.

I was faced with the question while talking to Mary yesterday, do I trust Him?

I'm going to be honest.  I had to think long and hard about that.
Either I do, or I don't.

I do.  I just don't like His plan right now.  I want things to be different, but His plan is not my plan.  In my plan my Mama would still be here.  His plan has my Mama in Heaven.  You'd think I realize His plan for her is much better than mine.  But I'm selfish.

Right know I actually hate His plan for me.

I have an appointment with Dr. Gaw later today.  I'm a little anxious about it.  I've had several hard falls lately, and I've noticed some increased weakness.  My left eye not focusing has gotten worse.  The pain and muscle spasms have increased.  I'm sure it mostly has to do with being so worn out, but I'm not sure what he might want to do about it.  The friend taking me is a friend who normally doesn't go with me.  She doesn't even know most of the issues I've had lately.  So I'm really uneasy about that.  I usually try to have Mary or Connie take me so they can help me remember everything I need to tell him, and they can help me remember previous conversations we've had.  I may actually try to call Mary later.  She offered earlier, but I told her no because we have Grace group tonight.  I was afraid it might be too much for her.

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