Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Protective Care of God

I called my dad yesterday afternoon to check on him.  When the answering machine kicked on after about 5 rings my first thought was, "I wonder why Mama didn't answer her phone?"  She almost always answered the phone.  In just the few seconds it took me to dial the number and for the answering machine to pick up, it had somehow slipped my mind why I was calling.  For a moment I had forgotten she was never going to answer her phone again.

My heart sank and I thought I was going to throw up.

Simple things like her not answering the phone keep occurring that are constant reminders she's gone.  With every reminder my heart becomes more and more raw.  It feels like a razor blade cutting across my heart.

I miss her so much.

The pain in my heart, the overwhelming sadness that radiates throughout my body is indescribable.

Every passing moment becomes harder.

Even though her death sinks in a little more each day, it still is so hard to believe.  I still expect her to answer the phone.  I find myself looking at the clock around 12:00 p.m. and the thought crosses my mind she will be calling at anytime.  When I ordered Hannah's school pictures this past week I found myself wondering what size photo she would want.

And then there are times I hear the phone call from my dad over and over again.  The sight of police cars, the ambulance, detectives and police officers walking around the yard at her house as we drove up the driveway keeps replaying in my head.

The entire way there I kept praying my dad just couldn't wake her up, and the paramedics would be able to help her.

I've asked God why.  Why did He have to take her so early?  Why did He have to take her when there was so much left unsaid between us?

So many why's, and not enough answers.

I have to keep reminding myself of what I read somewhere, "Because I know Who, I am willfully unconcerned with the why".

I either trust God or I don't.  It's that simple.

I choose to trust Him.

Trusting Him means I have to believe He's sovereign.  His plan is perfect.  His plan is perfect for my mom ... and for me.  He doesn't make mistakes.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28ALL things ... even the death of my Mama.

"It's a hard providence.", a wise man said to me.  He's actually an Old Testament scholar.  Although his words took me off guard at the time he said them, I know it's true.

I actually looked up the word providence.  It's definition said, "the protective care of God".

The protective care of God.  As I read those words there was a peace that came over me that I can't explain.

"And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7

A peace that passes all understanding.

My aunt Susie actually said the other night she believes God was protecting her from something.  I thought about what she said and I've asked Him what was He protecting her from.

"Because I know Who I am willfully unconcerned with the why."

He is still the same.  My Jesus is still the same today as He was before He took her home to be with Him.  He will still be the same tomorrow.  He plan remains perfect.  At the foot of the cross remains the only place I can find comfort.

I have to be willfully unconcerned with the why because I trust Him.

Ralph is right.  It's a hard providence to accept.  However, knowing she is in the protective care of God makes it easier.  That doesn't mean I'm not selfish and wish she I could call her.  But in the midst of the indescribable pain of my raw heart, I have a peace and a joy knowing she's with him.  I have a hope that one day we will be together in Heaven rejoicing and praising our Heavenly Father forever.
"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

In this pit of pain that makes it so hard to breathe, I am holding that close to my raw heart.

At the foot of the cross still remains the only place I can find comfort.

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