Monday, April 2, 2012

Everflowing Tears

This is by far the hardest day yet.  I'm not sure why, except things do seem to get harder with each passing day.  Today the pain has increased so much more than yesterday though.  I can't stop the tears, and I feel so alone.

I know I'm not.

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18

Just because I feel alone doesn't mean I am.

"Your feelings will betray you, Robin."  If I had a penny for every time Darryl has said that to me, well, I'd be able to buy a Sonic coke every day for the next 10 years.

I know I can only rely on what's true, and the only absolute truth is God's Word.

Like I said yesterday, I either trust Him, or I don't.  I still choose to trust Him.

Trusting Him means I trust His Word.

" ... for He Himself has said, “ I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU, - Hebrews 13:15

He says He will never leave me, so I'm never really alone.

Sometimes my feelings can be really convincing though.  Especially today.

I tried so hard to make it through church yesterday without falling apart.  I almost made it.

Then we took communion, and I fell apart.  I tried to dart out of church as fast as I could, but with a rolling walker and feet that scoot on the floor, I don't move nearly as fast as I would have liked.

People try to be supportive.  They hug me and tell me they are praying for me.  Those who have lost a parent will say things to me that are helpful.  They "get it".

It's sort of like belonging to a club no one wishes to have a membership to.

But there always seems to be that one person who stabs my heart to the bone.

"Oh goodness, not tears again.  Crying all the time isn't going to bring her back."

I had to walk away ... because honestly, I wanted to slap her.

"You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" - Psalm 56:8

He must have an enormous bottle.

I've tried to not cry so much, especially when I'm around other people.

Sometimes I can't control it though.

I just miss her so much.

Visits to the cemetery have become a normal part of life.

As we drove up the driveway to the cemetery yesterday there were three people standing at my mom's grave.  Three strangers.  They were reading her temporary grave marker.  As we were getting out of the van they walked away.  At first it panicked me a little.  I know it's sounds silly, but it was like they were invading her space.  I had a hard time leaving after that.  I wanted to stay there and protect her space.

I know it's not any different than what I have done myself.  I've walked through cemeteries and read headstones.  Somehow this just seems different.

Maybe it's because it's just another one of those things that makes her death more real.

1 comment:

  1. Robin, my Daddy died sixteen years ago this week. There are still days that I cry - a lot. I have broken down in tears at football games, church and work. Never let anyone tell you how to feel or when you should or shouldn't cry. She was your mother and it is your grief. No one knows exactly how you feel. Next time, slap them instead - that might make you feel better. I love you and I will come cry with you anytime you want.