Friday, April 13, 2012

He Is Faithful

I've spent all night sitting at the foot of cross.  The night has been long and hard.  Moment to moment seems to be the only way I can get through the nights and days.

"God's gives us grace for the moment and not a moment before we need it."  I can hear Mary reminding me of this.

I was 15 when my Nannie died, and still to this day I haven't "gotten over it".  I love and miss her so much.  Her death was so devastating, and there were times I didn't know if I could survive the heartache.

Loosing my mom is a billion times worse.

I've asked the Lord all night long "why".

Why did you have to take her so soon, Lord?

Why did she have to die alone?

I have a hundred "whys", and He hasn't answered me.

But if I believe His Word and I trust Him, I know this is for my good.  I know this is part of His perfect plan for not just my life, but also for the lives of all of those who knew her.

It's hard to believe that something so devastating can be good.  It's hard to believe that even though my heart is shattered, there still good in this.  It most certainly doesn't feel good.

My faulty, selfish heart would prefer for her to still be here.  I want to still be able to talk to her every day.  I want to hear her ask me if my laundry is caught up ... almost every day she would ask me that.  I want to hear her give me unsolicited advice, and for her to answer the phone when I called her for it.

But she's gone.

And where's the good in that?

I honestly don't know.

I do see there have been some things that are good.  It's brought my family closer together.  It's made me re-evaluate what's important and what's not.

But, Lord, couldn't You have chosen to do those things a different way?  You're God ... in charge of all things.  All things are possible with you, right? 

I confess I am not always faithful to trust Him.  I question Him.  I scream at Him.

And He still remains faithful.  He sticks right by my side.  He never leaves ... not even for a second.

He is faithful even when I'm not.

When I can't get through the moment, He gives me the grace.

"And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

This has become my favorite verse.  So often Connie has said to me, "He strength is greatest in my weakness".

I received a text from my friend, Adele, yesterday.  She reminded me, "Jesus loves you this I know for the Bible tells me so."

He loves me.  He gives me grace exactly when I need it.  When I am weak, He is strong.

He is faithful even when I'm not faithful to trust Him.

My heart aches.  It's raw and bleeding.  There is a void in my life I can't find the words to even begin to explain.

"I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears." ~ Psalm 6:6 

Yet, He is faithful.  He has been faithful to carry me thus far.  He is carrying me this very moment.  And He will be faithful to carrying me in the moment.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." ~ Hebrews 13:8 

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