Monday, April 23, 2012

One Month

This weekend ended up being much harder than I had anticipated it to be.  I thought that spending time with my dad and my brother and his family would somehow soften the blow of what the past few days have represented to us.  It didn't.  It didn't make it hurt any less or make any of us not miss her so much.  It just reminded us of how much we all miss her and wish we could have her back.

Every Wednesday marks another week has gone by since my Mama died, and the 21st of every month will add another month to how long she's been gone.  We've now reached the one month mark.  Friday it had been one month since I heard her say, "I'll talk to you tomorrow."  Saturday marked one month since her death.  Sunday marked one month since we made arrangements for her funeral.  Today marks one month since we stood at her casket for over 4 hours greeting people as they came through the line to give us their condolences.  Tomorrow will mark one month since we lowered her body into the ground.

One month.  It seems like only yesterday if you go by the pain in my heart, but it seems like years if you go by the aching of my arms wanting to hug her.  It seems like it will be forever before I get to see her again.

Come quickly, Jesus!!  Come this very moment!!  I long so much for You to come and take us home!!

This has been my prayer every day for as long as I can remember, but now I pray it with more passion and urgency than ever before.  The more I learn about Heaven in my current Sunday school class, the more I desire to be there.  I want Him to come now!

His timing is nothing like my timing though.

I knew as the one month mark was approaching it would be hard.  I just didn't expect it to be this hard.  Something about hitting that date brought a renewed rawness to my heart.  I tried to stay busy on Saturday, but busy or not, she is constantly on my heart and my thoughts are constantly wandering to her.  I see her in just about everything.  I even stumbled upon the perfect gift for her for Mother's day.

My Mama loved Loretta Lynn.  I've probably seen "Coal Miner's Daughter" no less than a hundred times ... no joke.  Like my uncle Danny said at her funeral, my mom could relate to Loretta in many ways.

That's a story for another day. 

I dread Mother's day.  I wish we could just skip over that day.  I was thinking yesterday while sitting in my seat at church, I am so glad no one hardly wears corsages for Mother's day anymore.  Mine would have turned from always being pink, to white this year ... since white always signified your mother was dead.

Random things like that run through my head constantly.

People say it won't always be like this.  Some day it will get easier to handle, but that it will be a long time before that happens.  I still have no idea what "a long time" means.  I still think it means til Jesus comes back.  I can't imagine it getting any easier until then.

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