Thursday, April 12, 2012

I Hope She Knows

I feel like I am on the verge of having a breakdown.  My insides shake all of the time.  I cry most of the day.  I can't concentrate and can't get anything accomplished.  I don't have the "want to" for anything.  All I can think about is my mom and how much I miss her ... how much I want her back.  I'm having to fight the urge to just go to bed, crawl up into a ball and just cry ... forever.

I had a horrible morning.  I sobbed harder than I ever have in my life.  All morning long I just kept telling the Lord my heart can't take it anymore. 

You're going to have to do something, Lord.  My heart can't take this much pain. 

Just as I said those very words, my phone rang.

It was my brother.

If there is anyone on the planet who understands what I am going through right now, it's him.

I was sobbing when he called, but by the end of our conversation we were laughing about some of the quirky, funny things my mom would do.  Things that in the moment would either embarrass you or make you angry ... often times both ... but looking back are so funny now.  "That's Mama", we would say.

I was okay once we hung up.  There's something about talking to him that's very therapeutic for me.

But it wasn't long, the tears started once again. 

Mary ended up picking me up today and bringing me to her house.  Actually, I'm sitting at her computer right now typing this.  I really didn't feel like coming, but deep down I knew it was best.  After she deflated the excuses I gave her for not coming, I called her said, "then come get me".

So here I am.  It's been good to be here.  Friends ... a friend who really is more my sister ... are gifts from the Lord Jesus.  I am grateful for her and love her deeply.

I was telling her earlier today about a conversation I had with my mom a few months ago.  The conversation started out with her scolding me for naming Mary, Darryl, Connie and Robyn as my best friends on my blog.

"You shouldn't do that.  It might hurt your other friends' feelings and make them feel like they aren't as important as them."

I told her that anyone who knew me was very aware of the tight relationship I have with those four.

After a long pause she said, "You know, you really know more about me than anyone else.  So I guess when you boil it down, you are really my best friend."

I wish I had taken the time to really tell her how much those words meant to me.  I wish I had told her what an honor it was for her to call me her best friend.

I have wondered a lot over the past 3 weeks if she knew how much I really love her.  I've wrestled with why did I not tell her that as we were hanging up from what ended up being our last conversation ever.

My brother told me the other day, "You don't have to worry about that, Robin.  She knew".

My other "brother" Darryl said last night that even if there was a chance she didn't, she does now.

So I guess that means that if she knows now how much I love her, then she also knows how much those words mean to my heart.

I hope so.

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