Wednesday, April 4, 2012

He's My Strength

Two weeks.  It's so hard to believe she died two weeks ago today.  I miss her more and more every day, and my heart still hurts more today than it did yesterday.  My heart is so raw it bleeds.

All day long people ask me, "How are you doing?"  I've discovered I don't even know how to answer that question.  My heart hurts more than I ever thought it possibly could.  It never lets up.  I feel this huge void throughout my entire body, and the entire world is different.  Everything looks different to me.  I often cry and sometimes those cries turn into complete whaling.  I'm full of so many questions that will never have answers this side of eternity.  I dread sleep because every time I wake up for just a moment it feels like the past two weeks have been a bad dream, and then I have to face the realization once again she died.  This is the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my entire life.

And yet, I'm really okay.

It often doesn't feel okay, but I remind myself of the words of my big brother, Darryl, "Your feelings will betray you, Robin."

That betrayal causes me to forget I have a sovereign God.  He will never leave me.  He is constantly guiding my path.  He is giving me the grace to get through moment to moment, and He's carrying me when I just can't take the next step.

Yes, I cry A LOT.  My heart aches to the point I just can't bear it ... but with Jesus I can.

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18

He's all around me.  He's in the wind that swirls around me.  He's in the sunrise each morning that is yelling out, "I love you!", and in the sunset that reminds me He'll still be there in the darkness of night.  He's in the devotions I read all throughout the day.  He's in the scripture that He leads me to when I open my bible not knowing exactly where to turn for comfort.

He's in my family and friends that keep my phone ringing and beeping all day long ... the same family and friends who are praying for me around the clock.

My friend, John, sent me an email yesterday, and in it he said something that has caused me to ponder and has given me comfort.  I said I find myself getting into panic when I think about those last few hours my mom was alive.  I can get so caught up in not knowing the details.  He shared something that he had experienced during the last days of his mother's life, and then he said this ...

"I can't help but think that if your mom knew she were about to die, that God had taken care to make sure that she was experiencing no fear."

I think he's right.

So, as I sit here sobbing, barely able to see the screen in front of me as type, I'm okay.  My heart is bleeding.  My body is consumed with a pain like no other pain I have ever felt in my life.  My arms ache because I want so desperately to hug her.  I am wishing the phone was going to ring later today and for her to be on the other end asking me a million questions.

I miss her so, so much!!

But in the midst of the pain and suffering, the Lord still remains faithful.  Just like He was yesterday, and He will be tomorrow.

I don't have the the strength to take my next step, but the Lord is my Strength.

"And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

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