Monday, April 16, 2012

The Void Keeps Growing

I have an excess of tears this morning.  I had no idea your body could even produce so many tears without getting dehydrated.  Must be all of the Sonic drinks I'm living on these days.

My heart hurts so much this morning I feel like it's been stabbed with an ice pick a thousand times, and then someone took a razor blade over it.  I got an email from a friend this morning wanting to know how I am, and I don't even know how to answer her.

Does she really want to know how I am?

I don't think she does.

I think a lot of people ask just because they think it's the polite thing to do.  I say that because when you tell someone how you REALLY are, they get uncomfortable and back away.  No one is prepared to hear how much my heart hurts, or how much I am beginning to dread church because I cry when I'm there.  No one wants to hear me talk about my mom and how much I want her back because it makes them uncomfortable, and they simply don't know what to say.  No one wants to hear about how I really just want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and cry until Jesus comes back.

Which by the way, I still pray every single day He would come right this very moment.

Actually, it's not fair to classify everyone in the above paragraph.  I do have people around me who would sit and listen for days if I needed them to.  They don't back away.  They will tell me they don't know what to say to make things better.  So instead of saying something totally dumb ... like "you'll get over this soon" ... they just tell me they love me and are praying for me.

Yes, I did actually have someone say to me, "you'll get over it soon".  No one I have talked to who has lost a parent says that.  They all tell me it will get easier, but it's going to take a long time.  I have no idea what "a long time" means, but if I had to guess I would say until Jesus comes back.

I have this huge void in my life that seems to just get bigger and bigger.  It feels like a black hole.

I've picked up the phone twice the last few days to call my mom.  I look at the clock around noon and think I need to hurry up and get something done because she will be calling any minute.  I don't know how to explain the sick feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when it hits me I can't call her and she's not going to be calling me.

I feel so isolated.  The world keeps going on with life and I'm stuck.  It's like everyone thinks, "Okay, the funeral is over.  Now lets get on with life."

I have no idea how to do that.

It's like people are just disappearing into the day to day happenings of life.  The phone calls have almost completely stopped.  The stack of cards that were coming in the mail every day has almost stopped.

And the grass on her grave grows thicker every day.

I even find myself wondering if I'm even a part of my mom's family anymore.  Did her death cut that tie?  Some moments it really feels like it and it's gut wrenching.

Darryl told me yesterday, "Grieve, but don't sin in your grief."  I asked him to explain what he meant by that statement, and he did.  I just can't tell you a word that he said.  The entire time he was talking I kept thinking, "You just don't get it."

Of course he doesn't.  He's not lost a parent.  However, whether he "gets it" or not, he's right.  I can't sin in my grief.  I guess I need to ask him to explain his comment again.  Thankfully he's used to repeating himself to me over and over again.

It's now approaching noon.  I just had the fleeting thought, "I need to wrap this up and get my shower.  Mama will be calling soon."

Oh I long for Heaven!!

1 comment:

  1. Wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. You are in my prayers. Love you, my friend.