Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Four Weeks

Four weeks.  It seems like forever, but it feels like just yesterday.  More and more as the shock wears off, the greater my heart hurts.  It's so hard for my heart to fathom she isn't here anymore, but as reality sets in the bigger the void becomes in my life.

I despise Wednesdays.  Every day I hate the hours between 12-2 p.m.  I hate the moments I pick up the phone to call her and the sick feeling that hits the pit of my stomach when I realize I can't.  I hate calling her house when my dad doesn't answer and I think, "I wonder why Mama's not answering".

I hate that my Mama died.

This is the absolute hardest thing I have ever been through in my entire life.

But God ...

He has given me the mercy and grace to endure each moment since that horrible phone call from my dad at 4:31 p.m. on March 21, 2012.  Most days I seem to be only able to put one foot in front of the other.  I can't think past the next moment.  I can't seem to get anything done.  I still feel like I'm walking in a tunnel, but He has guided each and every step I have taken since that very moment.

He has surrounded me with people who love me.  Friends to hold me when I need to sob.  Friends to just hold the phone when all I can do is cry.  Family and friends to call to try to encourage me and love on me.  A brother who I talk to every day that truly gets how I am feeling.  A dad who is more concerned with taking care of his children than he is for himself.

I am blessed beyond measure.  I forget that truth so often.  I can't seem to see all of the blessings I have past the pain in my heart.

I miss her so much.  I hate that she died.

But I love that she is with Jesus.  I love that I have the assurance she is in Heaven.  I love that the Lord has sent so many people to tell me precious things my mom did for them, and what a blessing she has been to them.  So many people that she showed Jesus.

I love that I have a mom I can be so proud of.

I love that I have a mom who loved me more than I ever realized.

I cannot believe it's been four weeks and one day since I last heard her voice.  It's so hard to wrap my head around knowing I will never see her again in this life, but I love that I get to spend eternity with her.  We get to spend eternity together with Jesus.

He gave me this verse yesterday ...
"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified." ~ Isaiah 61:3
He is faithful.  He will give me everything I need at the very moment I need it.  When I can't see how I can possibly walk through this pain, He will guide my steps.

Beauty for ashes ... joy for mourning ... praise for a heavy heart ... all for the glory of God.

I long for Heaven, and I pray every day He will come back.

I miss my Mama.

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