Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Pain Gets Worse

The days just get harder.  Tears fall more frequent each day.  My mom stays on my heart continuously, and I think of her at every turn during the day.  As the shock begins to wear off a little more with every day, the pain grows.  The void in my life gets bigger.

It's more than I can bear.

It's more than I can even fathom.  She gone ... forever.  There will be no more 1-2 hour long daily phone calls.  Her seat on the couch will always be empty.  I'll never have the chance to say "I love you" again.

It really is more than my heart can bear.

I constantly feel like I'm walking in a tunnel.  I can't seem to focus on anything, nor can I seem to get anything accomplished.  Laundry is piled up, the sink stays full of dishes and list of "thank you" notes I need write grows longer each day.

I have yet to go through all of things that have come from the funeral home.  I just can't seem to do it.  I try to do a little each day, but some days I can't even go near it.  The days I do, I can only do it for a few minutes.  It's just a constant reminder to me she is gone ... forever.

The pain is unbearable.

Even in the midst of the greatest pain I have ever felt in my life ... a loss that compares to no other I have ever experienced ... the Lord continues to give me grace for each moment.  I so often think I can't take my next step, but just as quickly as the thought crosses my mind, He's already given me the grace to do it.

Grace for moment to moment.

He is faithful, even when I'm not.

I'm finding it hard to pray at times.  I often don't even know what to pray.  But the Holy Spirit knows exactly what I need and just as the bible says, He intercedes for me.

"in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;" - Romans 8:26

I am grateful that when I am at my weakness point, He is strong.  I am grateful that carries me when I am unable to take my next step.

Today is the hardest day I have had yet.  My heart ache is unbearable.

Without Him I couldn't make it.

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