Monday, October 10, 2011


My day started out yesterday morning by finding myself face down on the floor.  I remember sitting on the couch watching "I Love Lucy" ... Lucy and Ethel had secretly bought "Hansens" dress shop and were trying to hide it from Ricky and Fred.  The alarm went off on my phone, so I got up to go wake up Nathan.  The next thing I knew Nathan was saying my name over and over.  I had passed out.  My first thought was ... "How am I going to get up off of this floor?  I really don't want to have to call the ambulance again."  And then I thought ... "He's not going to let me go to church now."  I was able to get up with Nathan's help.  I was so dizzy and my head hurt so bad.  He said I had hit my head on the door.  I was determined I was going show him I would be okay to go to church.  I started cooking breakfast,  but I got so dizzy and my head hurt so much I could hardly stand up.  So, yet again, no church for me.  And I missed having lunch with Nathan's family.  His brother was in town this weekend for a wedding, and we were all meeting up for lunch before he headed out yesterday afternoon.  I really wanted to see him.  We had plan to visit my sister-in-law and nephew this weekend, but it didn't work out.

And just on a side note ... I scowl every time I read on Facebook that someone else has headed to the beach or out of town to visit family and friends.  I feel like a two-year-old kicking the ground and screaming, "It's not fair!!".

Ugh!  I'm in a terrible, terrible full of self-pity mood.

Darryl came by yesterday afternoon.  There is no definitive answer to why I passed out.  Could be from being overly tired.  Could be from not getting enough fluids ... which doesn't make sense to me since my body retains so much fluid anyway.  I laughed when he held up his hands about 12 inches apart and asked if I drank one of those big drinks from Sonic every day or just when I could get my hands on one.  I suppose I could get him to write it as an order so someone would have to bring me one every day ... although he would probably just write for the contents to be water.

I am so frustrated.  There doesn't seem to be any answers to much of anything right now.  No answers to why the fever comes and goes, no answers why the pain is worse, no answers why I passed out ... no answers at all.  Sometimes I think if I just knew why it would be easier to handle.  Knowing why just might give some insight on how to make it all better.  I'm so irratable these days.  My poor family.  I want to cry, I want to scream.  I'm so emotional everything seems to either hurt my feelings or make me angry.

Friday I will see Dr. Peltier.  Maybe ... just maybe she will have some insight.

In the meantime, I have to trust the Lord.  It's so hard to remember all those things I know in my heart to be true when I've missed so much church.  I need so much to have that time to be reminded of the absolute truth.  I did get to go to bible study last week, but I left feeling worse than I did when I went.  I shouldn't have.  Physically it wasn't a good idea, but it was another one of those times when Robin thinks she knows best.

Somehow I'm going to have to focus on other things.  I need to get out of the house, but I don't even feel like taking a shower.

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