Thursday, December 8, 2011

Whiter Than Snow

I have no idea what the Lord is up to, but I do know that it feels like He's working overtime on my heart.  I am so grateful that He is longsuffering and steadfast, because if He were otherwise I probably would drive Him to throw His hands up in the air and walk away.  I know I certainly wear me out, and I think that one of my dear friends and I were wearing out the ladies at bible study yesterday.

I left bible study last week with a renewed look at just how much the Lord truly does love me.  I left with complete certainty in my heart that He was mine and I am His.  If I could have skipped home, I would have.  My heart was that overjoyed.  It had been brought to my attention that if I truly didn't belong to Him I wouldn't pray every day for Him to take us home.  It made perfect sense to me, and I had never once considered that.  It was as if Jesus Himself had sat down in front of me and said those words to me.  I was convinced that I now had something to squash the doubts the moment they entered my mind.

And I did ... for about 24 hrs.

I have a friend in our group that struggles with the same issue I do.  How do we know?  How do we know that He loves us ... we are His ... and it's just not something we've convinced ourselves?  I struggle so much with this.  I have never wanted anything more in my life than the assurance I am His child.  I want absolute certainty.

I've been told over and over again that it doesn't make sense that I would question.  I've been told by others it's evident to them I am.  They see my fruit.  But I see my fruit as being rotten.  I know my wicked heart.  I know what horrible things I've done in my life.  And when I'm not reminding myself of those things, there is always someone else waiting the wings ready to jump in and point them out to me.

It's an ongoing struggle.  Not one I wrestle with every single day.  As I've said before, 29 days out of the month I'm good, but the that one day I spend obsessing.  Then there are those times, like the bible study we are doing now in Hebrews, that throw me for a loop.  And it wears people around me out.  It was so obvious that was happening yesterday.  The more frustrated they became, the more I found myself shutting down.  Sobbing wasn't on my agenda for the day, and I knew if one tear fell I'd flood the room.

It helps to have a friend that "gets it".  She totally understands my questions, but it's hurtful to have my other friends become so frustrated with me when I just can't seem to be convinced of what they know.  I probably would have slipped out yesterday and driven myself home if I could have.  But I was stuck.  There was no slipping out ... a.k.a. running away.  I was right where the Lord wanted me to be.

All of a sudden a lady across the room said, "I wish I cared enough to question.  I know the answer would still be the same, but I do wish I cared enough to question."  I don't remember her exact words after that, but what she said was she wonders if she just takes her certainty for granted. 

Hello, Lord.

Why I tend to loose sight of what I know in the inner most part of my heart to be true, I don't know.  I do know this ... 
"For our wrestling is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world-rulers of this darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." ~ Ephesians 6:12
And I know that my times of doubt and struggling cause me to dig deep in the Word, the ABSOLUTE TRUTH.  It causes me to spend hours face down at the foot off the cross, and when my doubt fades I walk away with a greater understanding of what it is to be loved by my Heavenly Father.  I walk away with a deeper love for Him and a greater appreciation for Him choosing to die on the cross to cover my sins.

As she sat across the room sharing her heart, with tears in her eyes, the most beautiful snow was falling.  Huge white flakes covered the yard outside the window that was just behind her.

I've made you whiter than snow.  Those horrible things that you're reminded of, my blood has covered those.  Your wicked heart has been cleansed.  You, my daughter, have been made whiter than snow.

Amazing love, how can it be, that you my God would die for me?

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