Friday, September 23, 2011

Is He Really Sovereign?

It hasn't been the best week.  Having to stay at home has really affected my mood.  I had gotten used to being able to go to bible study and church every week.  I had finally gotten to the point where I could do some outings.  I don't stay home well, and when I'm home alone for hours at time I begin getting really depressed.  I just have to much time to think.  I have missed the past two weeks of church.  I missed seeing Hannah cheer at her game this week.  I missed being able to attend the wedding of the "little girl" who was the flower girl in my wedding.  I've missed out ... on a lot this week.

That mentality has given me permission, so to speak, to think about all of the things I've missed over the past 3 1/2 years.  I've thought about friends I've had to move away and relationships I currently have that are suffering.  And I've thought a lot about my Nannie this week.  Oh how I miss her!

I've thought about how quickly my girls are growing up.  Sara turned 16 last week and just got her first car.  How am I supposed to let go and allow her to drive off alone?  I've missed so many things in their lives over the past 3 1/2 years, and it just seems like she should still be in the 7th grade.

I could just sit and weep for hours.

The scare with my blood work reminded me once again how uncertain life really is for me.  At any given moment things could just turn and my health could fail.  I could get a simple virus that could turn out to be ... well, deadly.  I am currently on my third round of antibiotics that started from getting strep.  It's scary.  It makes me wonder why the first 2 didn't work and will the 3rd one work.

Just way too much time to think.  Too much time to do the very thing Jesus tells not to do ... worry.

It should be a time for me be still and relish in His promises.  Like how He will never leave me and how everything ... EVERYTHING ... is for my good and His glory.

I had someone ask me if I truly believe God is sovereign.  I've prayed about how to answer that question.  The person who asked me is not a believer, and I want to be so careful.  I don't want to give a "Pollyanna" type of spin on it because frankly, life is hard.  I could spend hours upon hours thinking about all the hard things in my life and worrying about what the next hour may bring.  Actually, I have spent hours upon hours doing just that.  What I should be doing is sitting at the Throne of Grace and Mercy.

Because, yes, I do believe with every fiber of my being that He is sovereign.

I don't know why I have CIDP.  I don't know why I've had to miss out on so much.  I don't know why my suffering has been more than others or even why my suffering is less than some.  I don't have the answers to all the "why's", and believe me I have had many.  I'm not supposed to know though.  I only have to trust.

"The secret things belong to the LORD our God..." ~ Deuteronomy 29:29

A couple of days ago Mary sent me this quote ...

"Faith is not about everything turning out OK;  Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out."

Am I really okay with how things turn out?  Do I really have that much faith?  If I truly believe He is sovereign I do.

The night before Mary sent me that quote, I ran across one I had written down almost 2 years ago ...

"And because I know Who, I am willfully unconcerned with why."  ~ Angie Smith 


It no coincidence I read that quote the night before Mary sent me the other.  He knew I needed a swift kick in the rear.

He has a perfect plan for my life.  A plan He already has worked out.  And as I reminded Mary a few weeks ago, all we have to do is trust Him and walk it out.

Although I may not know "why", I do know Who.  And because I know Who, I know how it all ends.

"Thou wilt guide me with thy counsel, And afterward receive me to glory." ~ Psalm 73:24  

He is sovereign.  I truly do believe it.

And just in case you were wondering, I still pray daily He will come and get us.

1 comment:

  1. Ok, Robin. I'm so sorry that I missed all of this. I guess with us going out of town, we fell out of touch. I'm so sorry! Are you doing any better? We missed you yesterday at church. Love, Elizabeth