Thursday, September 1, 2011

He Did It Again

It's been a roller coaster week.  I told a friend yesterday that I would love to take a vacation from my life.  I'd like to unplug my phone, turn off my cell phone, not check emails or Facebook and not answer my door.  I like to come back from vacation with a new identity.  As my friend reminded me, some day we will have one.  I literally pray every day for the Lord to return.  I long for Heaven more and more every day.  I daydream of what it will be like and lately I've found myself asking even more, Okay Lord, where are You?  When are You coming?

One phone call can turn your life into a tail spin.  Watching your child suffer can leave you feeling helpless.  Not being able to save those around you from self destruction can leave you hopeless.  Not knowing from hour to hour how your own health will be can leave you fearful.  What all of that should do is cause us to fall on face and ask our Heavenly Father for grace and mercy.  It was so easy for me to tell a friend a few days ago we needed to have callouses on our knees, yet running to Jesus is rarely the first thing I do.  I am so ashamed to admit that, but it's the truth.

Yesterday was one of those days that just started out bad and become worse as the day progressed.  By the time my family was all tucked in for the night, I felt utterly defeated and just sat on my couch and wept.  I am so tired.  Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually tired.  Although the past several days have been so heavy, there have been moments full of salt and light.  Sara's migraine is now gone.  I got to hug my friend Connie and see what her world looks like now.  The dark always seems to cover the light though.  It's the hard things that consume us.  Just when life seems to be headed for better, happier, lighter days, satan rears his ugly head.  Just as Scripture tells us, he comes to kill, steal and destroy.  Sometimes it seems like he just might win.
As I sat on my couch weeping I thought,  How dare you let me suffer so much?!?!  I didn't say it, but my tone with Him sure did.  I am grateful my questions and shaking my fist at Him doesn't cause Him to love me any less.  It doesn't take Him by surprise.  He knew I was going to sit on my couch and scream at Him, Hasn't my "I've suffered enough account" been paid in full already?!?!?"

As quickly as those words left my mouth, I was reminded of the cross.  There has never been, and there never will be, anyone who has suffered more than Christ.  I am kicking and screaming because I think my sufferings are so hard, but what if He had?  What if He had told our Heavenly Father His account was paid in full and He was done?  Instead He chose His sufferings.  He didn't kick and scream.  He walked the path to the cross and hung there for me, so that one day my suffering would end for eternity.  Because He chose to endure suffering that will far outweigh mine and died on a cross to cover all my sins, I will spend eternity in paradise.  Everything I've ever done wrong and will, has been covered by the blood of Jesus.  I am forgiven and my account has been paid in full.  Not because of anything I've done.  Jesus paid my ransom.  Even knowing I would kick, scream, shake my fist and ask why with the attitude of "how dare You", He still chose to cover my sin with His blood.

I remember my friend Mary telling me a few years ago, "If you would stop kicking and screaming against God's sovereignty this might be a little easier."  Mary, one of my absolute best friends, my big and wiser sister and one the Lord has placed in my life to keep me in check.  Oh how I love her, but sometimes she can make me so angry when she puts the truth smack dab in my face.

The truth is I would be hopeless if I didn't completely believe God is sovereign.  He has a perfect plan, and He's already worked it all out.  I can worry, wrestle, allow my life to be consumed with fear and doubt.  However, it's all in vain.  It does me no good.  It only causes me to be deceived into thinking satan is going to win, but He's already lost the war.  He may try to destroy me.  But Praise Jesus, because of His grace and mercy, I am indestructible!

As I type this and still in my heart am asking, Lord, where are you?, the sun is rising.  As the sun rises, He's once again reminding me, "I am here.  I never left.  You thought the darkness would cover My light, but I am here to remind you it never will."

 Thank you, Lord, for loving my enough to "do it again"... for reminding me that although the darkness so often tricks me into believing You aren't there, You will always and forever rise up the sun to show me differently."

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