Tuesday, July 31, 2012

This Stage of Grief

I've always heard grief comes in stages.  I'm becoming a believer.  Just when I think I've gotten to the point where I'm able to handle the pain better, waves of grief come over me I didn't expect.  For the past two weeks it's been one wave after another.  Some of those waves are so large they knock me down.

My Mama has been on my mind constantly.  I see her in everything.  Going to visit the cemetery has become so important to me that I go into a panic if I can't find someone to take me.  I still cannot explain why it's so important to me I go.  I don't even stay that long.  I read her headstone and make sure it's not all dirty.  I look to see how the grass isn't growing very well on her grave.  I "fluff" the flowers in her vase and look around to see if I can see a color scheme I might like to do her next bouquet in.  I wrestle with the thoughts of wanting to change the flowers now verses waiting until her birthday in September.  I can hear her telling me it would be a waste of money to do it now, but my heart says money spent on flowers for her will never be a waste.  It's the only thing I can still do for her.

There are so many things I should have done for her while she was still living.  I should have insisted she gone to the doctor the day before she died.  I should have told her I loved her before I hung up the phone the last time I talked to her.  I should have gone to see her the weekend before like my gut (a.k.a. the Holy Spirit) was telling me to do.

So many "should haves" and now there is only one thing I can do.

This birthday she will spend with Jesus, and it will be the first birthday ever I'll have to spend without my Mama.  I cannot explain how much the wave of grief that comes over me when I think about that hurts.  Tears immediately start pouring out of my eyes.  You see, we share the same birthday.  I was born the day my Mama turned 21.  This year there won't be a race to see who can wish the other "Happy Birthday" first.

I dread it with a passion.

I miss her.  I had no idea you could miss someone this much.  It's the worst pain my heart has ever felt.

If your gut is telling you to call someone, to visit them or do something for them, do it.  And always make sure those you love know it.  You never know when the moment will come the chance to do it is gone forever.

This stage of grief is harder than the one before and I have no idea why.  One would think each stage would get easier, but really it just gets harder.  I think the reality of knowing she is really gone it settling into my heart more and more.  It's still sort of hard to wrap my head around, but more and more my heart is realizing she really is with Jesus.

I have to keep reminding myself there is no greater place for her to be.

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