Saturday, July 28, 2012

My Heavy Heart

This past week my heart has been so heavy.  The grief has been intense.  My mind has been focused on my Mama a lot.  So much so that I have dreamed about her every night.  I never knew it could hurt this much to miss someone.  My heart has hurt greatly for almost 25 years over loosing my Nannie, but loosing my Mama is much more painful.

I was responding to a Facebook invite my aunt had set up the other day, and I noticed in the sidebar a list of suggested invites.  My Mama was at the top of the list.  Hot tears started pouring out of my eyes, and I slammed my computer shut.  It's not fair.

I honestly don't know how people survive loosing someone they love so much without Jesus.  And I can't imagine not knowing ... I mean being as assured as I possibly can be ... that my Mama's is with Jesus.  The grief would be unbearable.  The only way it's bearable for me is because of Jesus.  It's only because of Him I can have moments where I smile or times I can enjoy with my family and friends.  I still have to "pretend" I'm okay a lot.  I've learned it's easier to fake a smile than to have people avoid you because your doubled over in pain.

Last Saturday I had a long conversation with my uncle, and he reminded me that if she were given the choice to come back she would choose to wait for us with Jesus.  I know he's right, but my selfishness wants her here.  I know He loves her far more than I have the ability to love anyone, but  I want my Mama back.

I long for Heaven.

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