Day 2: Today I Thank Jesus For ...

Last night was our Friday Night Titus 2 monthly gathering for the ladies in my church.  Our focus this month was spent loving on and praying for a sister who is walking through a hard season.  God's plan for her unborn daughter has yet to be revealed.  It was discovered a few weeks ago she has some serious heart abnormalities, in addition to some other issues with her small body.

I can't even think about it without crying.  To be walking in her shoes is beyond anything I can imagine.  There is so much uncertainty of what each day will hold.  Will she survive the pregnancy?  Will she survive the surgery she will need shortly after birth?  Will they ever bring her home?

Only the Lord knows.

As she shared with us last night, the statistics are frightening.

I've been talking through some ways we can come along side our friend with other ladies within our church.  Our current bible study is Treasures of Encouragement by Susan Hunt, so we've used this as an opportunity to live out what we are learning.

God's timing is always perfect.  It was by His design we would be working through this particular study at the same time our sister would be walking through the hardest thing she has ever had to face.

He is equipping us for what He has called us to do.

We decided a few weeks ago we would use our November Titus 2 gathering to spend some time praying with her.  We asked everyone to bring a meal she could pull out of the freezer and heat on the nights when the day has been packed full of doctor appointments, or when exhaustion has just taken over.

It was such a sweet sight watching ladies walk in carrying meals in their arms.

But what was even sweeter was sitting in a room with a group of ladies with our hearts joined together carrying our friend to Jesus.

Yes, it's true.  As she shared with us, the statistics are unnerving, to say the least.

But God is not a statistic.

He's the One who created her tiny body.  He knows the complexity of her heart.  We believe if He chose to, He could heal her before we could even take our next breath.  We believe He can heal her through modern medicine and by using the hands of her doctors.

We are praying for healing.

We are praying our sister and her husband will bring their daughter home and she will live a healthy life.

That's what we want.  That is what are hearts long for.

Ultimately though, we want God's will for her life.

His will might not be to heal her.

It grieves my heart to even type out that sentence.

As we sat with our hearts joined together taking turns praying for our friend, I was overcome with such gratitude.

Grateful to part of a group who desires carry all the needs and wants of our sister to the foot of the cross ... to the One who heals.  Grateful to know the Holy Spirit was in the room with us, and all of things we didn't know to pray for He was interceding for us.

Grateful to know we serve a God that is good ... to know once we walk away from laying it all at His feet, whatever He chooses to do is what's best.

One of the sweetest moments of the night was hearing my friend Mary thanking the Lord for showing us that before even entering this world He has used her life.  Through her He has brought us closer to Him ... collectively and individually.

Her life already has purpose.

A purpose that is invaluable.

She is already been such a blessing to us, and we haven't even met her yet.

Even in times of complete uncertainty, we can be certain God is good.  Even when it hurts.  Even we things are scary.

Day 1: Today I Thank Jesus For ...

I began this year with plans of writing 366 Days of Gratefulness.  I wanted to be purposeful about focusing on things in my life I have to be grateful for.  The day my Mama died I stopped.  I didn't stop thinking I no longer have anything to be grateful for ... although I admit there are many days it's hard to see any of it.  I just stopped.  I was so overcome with grief all I could think about was how much my heart was hurting, how much I miss my Mama and how much I long for Heaven.

Are you coming today, Lord?  Please come and take us home today.

This was my prayer as I swallowed my daily morning meds hoping the Lyrica would be enough to temper the pain in my legs and arms.

I was asked a few weeks ago if I was going to start my "366 Days of Gratefulness" (366 because this was a leap year) back up.  Actually, my friend strongly suggested I do.  I really had no plans to.  In my heart I thought why bother?  Life is so messy.  It seems like things have continued to go down hill since the day my Mama died.  Just when I think my heart possibly can't hurt anymore, Satan rears his ugly head.

However, after that conversation I started thinking about how during our daily conversations my Mama would mention something I had written.  She would tell me how much she loved I was doing that every day.

As the holiday season quickly approaches the knot in my stomach grows.  If I didn't have kids I'd probably skip the holidays.  My girls would be sorely disappointed if I did though.  

And it's not what my Mama would have wanted.

I was reminded by a friend last night how much she loved the holidays.  She loved having all of us together.

Adele's text started the wheels in my head turning, and I made a decision.  In honor of my Mama, I"m going to start over.  What better time than the first day of November ... the month we celebrate Thanksgiving.

Day One ...

I have made it no secret I pray for the Lord to come back every single day.  Some days I repeat that prayer 50 times over.  I long for Heaven more and more every day.

"Living In Light of the King's Return" was the title of our pastor's sermon this past Sunday.

"Waiting for a Jesus who rescues us."

I have that written, highlighted and starred.

Also in my notes ...

"A King who laid down His life so that we might be redeemed."

"Waiting with a comforting hope ... a hope that gives us strength in suffering."

"We are able to have joy in suffering because our hope is knowing that God is making us desire Heaven more."

This week has been one of the harder weeks in my life.  I've struggled a lot with the sin of worry.  I've been anxious.  I've had moments of despair.

I have questioned, Lord, why?  What could You possibly been doing in this?  All I see is a recipe for complete disaster.

Over and over I have felt the Holy Spirit asking me, Do you trust Me?

Of course, I do.  Absolutely!, has been my response.

But do I really?

I shamefully admit there are moments I don't.  My heart is prone to wander towards anxiously worrying about things I have no control over.

When I really should be trusting Him completely.

I know He is sovereign.  But I am finding myself trusting He's sovereign even over this.

As I was flipping back through my notes from sermons over the past few months, brightly highlighted in pink I have written ...

"He sovereignly reigns over every circumstance."

Every is darkly underlined.

Thank you, Jesus, that even in this You are sovereign.  Thank you that I can have a hope in a Christ who never fails ... a Jesus that will never change.  You will always be faithful to complete the good work You have started.  Thank you there is a Heaven to long for ... that this isn't all there is.  That one day You will wipe away my every tear.  Thank you for the grace and mercy You pour over me each and every day.

Thank you, Lord, for loving me when I am the most unlovable.  Thank you for not leaving me when I've tried my darnedest to push away.  Thank you for running after me when I have tried to run from You.

Thank you for being my Redeemer, my Comforter ....

For being my only Hope.

I long for the day I will be with You forever.  It's really is my greatest desire underneath all of the other "wants" in life.  But until that day, thank You for the promise I can always hold on to that You will never let go of me.

And when life hurts ... when the pain is seemingly unbearable ... thank you for giving me and over abundant amount of grace and mercy.

Thank you that I can lay it all at the foot of the cross, walk away and know it's all for my good and Your glory.

Thank you always wanting the best for me.

You are what is best for me.

Thank, Jesus, that I am Yours and You are mine.

Today I Celebrate My Friend

She's one of my best friends, and today is her birthday.  Her 40th birthday.  We've been friends for 30 years ... since we were in 5th grade.  I thought I would celebrate her today by explaining why I love her beyond any combination of words I could put together.  I've tried writing this post for the past two days.  Each and every time I have had to delete it because I am finding it very difficult to find the words to adequately explain what a beautiful person she is.  A beauty that comes from the depths of her heart.

She is truly one of the most loving, selfless people I know.  Sometimes to her own detriment.  She cannot say no to anyone in need of something and often finds herself pushed beyond her limits.  And she does it out of love for others.  A want to help.  A want for others to be full of joy and not hurting.

She has always been there for me.  Even during the times she couldn't physically be with me, she's there.  Calling, texting, emailing me.  Just to remind me she loves me and is praying for me.

And when Robyn tells you she is praying for you, she is praying.  Those aren't just words that fly off her tongue because it seems to be the appropriate thing to say.  If she says she's going to pray, you can rest assured she's carrying you to Jesus.

She loves Jesus passionately.

Thirty years of memories can't be summed up in just a few paragraphs.  We've have laughed to the point of hurting stomachs and tears, and we've held each other through hurting hearts and tear stained cheeks.  She always wants what's best for me.  She has celebrated the greatest events in my life with me, and hurt with me though the darkest moments in my life.  Her love has been unconditional, and yet at the same time, because she loves me, she talks straight to me.  I always get the truth.  Like it or not.

She has held my secrets close to her heart, and she has trusted me with hers.  I am honored she calls me one of her best friends, and she feels safe enough to pour her heart out to me.

I love watching her finally being able to be a mother to three of the sweetest boys.  It brings me to tears every time I think about the years and years of heartache she endured, and how God blessed her with three miracles.  Three blessings she doesn't take for grant it.

I love her.  I adore her.  She is one my dearest, closest friends.  She is one of the few in my closest circle of trust.  The few I can count on one hand.

She is an enormous blessing to me.

I treasure her.

She is my sister.

And my forever friend.

Happy 40th birthday, Robyn.  You are one of the greatest gifts the Lord Jesus has ever given me.  Today I am thanking Him for you.  I don't know what I would do without you.  Thank you for loving me even when I'm unlovable.  For being a faithful friend.  For not being my judge, and for always carrying me to our Redeemer.  Love you, and praying you are blessed today as much as your bless everyone around you.

Time Doesn't Heal

I have often wondered if the person who originally said, "Time heals all wounds" was ever truly wounded.  Surely they were.  I don't think anyone gets through life without being wounded, but their declaration that time is a healer is so wrong.  It's nothing but a cliche'.  A default to say to someone who is hurting.

Time heals nothing.

Jesus does.  And I learn more and more every day He takes His own sweet time doing so.

I was reminded in our pastor's sermon today sanctification is a process of pruning to make us more like Jesus.

I hate the process.

Sitting on my Mom's carport waiting for the paramedics to bring her body out of her house, I kept reminding myself that my Jesus is the same in that moment as He the moment before my dad called to tell me she had died.  Over and over I kept saying to myself, "He still the same."

I needed to remind myself of that very truth.  I had just spent a beautiful Spring day with ladies from my bible study group.  On the drive home while I was sipping on my lemon slush from Sonic, I laughed and chatted with my friends.  I distinctly remember looking at the blooming Dogwood and Redbud trees and thinking about how faithful God is.  My mind wandered to how grateful I was Jesus loved me and how everything that happens in my life was all for my good and His glory.

Thank you, Jesus, for loving me.  Thank you for never letting anything happen in my life that doesn't first pass through Your hands.

Those words fluttered through my heart as we passed by miles of Dogwood and Redbud trees.

I had no idea within the next hour my life was about to change forever.

I had a friend ask me just this week if I still believed my Jesus was the same.

Absolutely.

Seven months later I still believe it.  I actually believe it more today.  I was pretty solid on it back then, and today I'm even more firm in my belief.

Seven months later He hasn't changed.  Not even once.  He hasn't let go of me.  Even in those moments I've tried to run from Him, His grip holds me close.

I have had to remind myself hundreds of times throughout the past seven months that my God never changes.  He is faithful.  He is sovereign.  He causes all things ... even the things that cause my heart to bleed ... to work for my good and His glory.

Even the sudden death of my Mama.

But it still hurts.  My heart is still raw and the tears still flow easily and frequently.  Time hasn't healed my broken heart.

But God.

But God has been and will continue to be my Comforter.  He will hold me close and not let me go.

It's a gorgeous Fall day today.  Perfect weather.  While visiting the cemetery after church this morning, He reminded me once again He is faithful.

This time instead of blooming Dogwood and Redbud trees, it was this ...

Even with the changes of the seasons, He is still the same Jesus.  The one who loves me and will never leave me.

And one day, in His precious time, He will be the One to heal my heart.

In the meantime, I am grateful His mercies are new every morning.