I began this year with plans of writing 366 Days of Gratefulness. I wanted to be purposeful about focusing on things in my life I have to be grateful for. The day my Mama died I stopped. I didn't stop thinking I no longer have anything to be grateful for ... although I admit there are many days it's hard to see any of it. I just stopped. I was so overcome with grief all I could think about was how much my heart was hurting, how much I miss my Mama and how much I long for Heaven.
Are you coming today, Lord? Please come and take us home today.
This was my prayer as I swallowed my daily morning meds hoping the Lyrica would be enough to temper the pain in my legs and arms.
I was asked a few weeks ago if I was going to start my "366 Days of Gratefulness" (366 because this was a leap year) back up. Actually, my friend strongly suggested I do. I really had no plans to. In my heart I thought why bother? Life is so messy. It seems like things have continued to go down hill since the day my Mama died. Just when I think my heart possibly can't hurt anymore, Satan rears his ugly head.
However, after that conversation I started thinking about how during our daily conversations my Mama would mention something I had written. She would tell me how much she loved I was doing that every day.
As the holiday season quickly approaches the knot in my stomach grows. If I didn't have kids I'd probably skip the holidays. My girls would be sorely disappointed if I did though.
And it's not what my Mama would have wanted.
I was reminded by a friend last night how much she loved the holidays. She loved having all of us together.
Adele's text started the wheels in my head turning, and I made a decision. In honor of my Mama, I"m going to start over. What better time than the first day of November ... the month we celebrate Thanksgiving.
Day One ...
I have made it no secret I pray for the Lord to come back every single day. Some days I repeat that prayer 50 times over. I long for Heaven more and more every day.
"Living In Light of the King's Return" was the title of our pastor's sermon this past Sunday.
"Waiting for a Jesus who rescues us."
I have that written, highlighted and starred.
Also in my notes ...
"A King who laid down His life so that we might be redeemed."
"Waiting with a comforting hope ... a hope that gives us strength in suffering."
"We are able to have joy in suffering because our hope is knowing that God is making us desire Heaven more."
This week has been one of the harder weeks in my life. I've struggled a lot with the sin of worry. I've been anxious. I've had moments of despair.
I have questioned, Lord, why? What could You possibly been doing in this? All I see is a recipe for complete disaster.
Over and over I have felt the Holy Spirit asking me, Do you trust Me?
Of course, I do. Absolutely!, has been my response.
But do I really?
I shamefully admit there are moments I don't. My heart is prone to wander towards anxiously worrying about things I have no control over.
When I really should be trusting Him completely.
I know He is sovereign. But I am finding myself trusting He's sovereign even over this.
As I was flipping back through my notes from sermons over the past few months, brightly highlighted in pink I have written ...
"He sovereignly reigns over every circumstance."
Every is darkly underlined.
Thank you, Jesus, that even in this You are sovereign. Thank you that I can have a hope in a Christ who never fails ... a Jesus that will never change. You will always be faithful to complete the good work You have started. Thank you there is a Heaven to long for ... that this isn't all there is. That one day You will wipe away my every tear. Thank you for the grace and mercy You pour over me each and every day.
Thank you, Lord, for loving me when I am the most unlovable. Thank you for not leaving me when I've tried my darnedest to push away. Thank you for running after me when I have tried to run from You.
Thank you for being my Redeemer, my Comforter ....
For being my only Hope.
I long for the day I will be with You forever. It's really is my greatest desire underneath all of the other "wants" in life. But until that day, thank You for the promise I can always hold on to that You will never let go of me.
And when life hurts ... when the pain is seemingly unbearable ... thank you for giving me and over abundant amount of grace and mercy.
Thank you that I can lay it all at the foot of the cross, walk away and know it's all for my good and Your glory.
Thank you always wanting the best for me.
You are what is best for me.
Thank, Jesus, that I am Yours and You are mine.
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