366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 37

I'm having a hard day, and I'm not even sure why.  Nothing bad or earth shattering has happened.  I'm just really depressed.  All I want to do is cry.  Every little thing seems so much bigger and darker than it actually is.  I'm having a very hard time keeping the right perspective of things.  I'm just a weepy mess.

I snapped at a friend at church yesterday.  I was so ugly to her.  I obsessed about it all night last night.  I felt terrible about what I had done.  I called her this morning to apologize and ask her to forgive me.  She immediately forgave me, but it just doesn't seem enough.  While we both agree what I said needed to be said, I should not have said it in the tone I used.  Even though she forgave me, I still feel horrible about it.  Absolutely horrible.  In her eyes it's over.  She isn't angry or upset.  She forgives me.  I don't think it was even that big of an issue to her anyway, but to me it seems enormous.

Everything just seems so much darker.  I wish I knew why.

I went into the kitchen to find something chocolate to eat.  (Yes, I'm an emotional eater.)  We have nothing in this house chocolate to eat.  I thought I hit the jackpot when I saw a pack of Oreos on counter, but when I opened it up it was empty.  So screamed out, "Can no one throw anything in this house away when it's empty?!?!"

I suppose I was talking to the dog because no one else is here.  Bless his heart.  He seems to know something is wrong because he has stayed right by me all day with those big brown eyes looking up at me.

"Lord, can we not even have anything chocolate in this house when I need it?"

"I am all that you need."

At that very moment my phone rang.  It was my friend Elizabeth.

"I had you on my heart and felt like the Lord was telling me I needed to call you.  I just want you to know I am praying for you", she said.

You'll never convince me the Holy Spirit isn't real.

I have so many things to be grateful for in my life.  Right now I just don't feel like I do.  But like a precious friend has told me for years, our feelings will betray us.  I am grateful I have a Heavenly Father that loves me.  He's always there.  He is always enough.  He always gives me exactly what I need at the exact moment I need it.  Sometimes it's comes in the form of a friend's forgiveness.  Sometimes it comes in the form of our dog staying by our side.  Sometimes it comes in the form of having a friend call to let you know she loves you and is praying for you.  

His grace always comes, and it always comes at the very moment and in the exact form we need it.

I like to think sometimes even in the form of Oreos. 

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 36

It's been a terrible day.  It started out not so great and just went downhill from there.  I have cried off and on all day.  It's just been one of those days where it seems like I can do nothing right.  I have made one mess after another today and frankly, I'm glad the day is coming to an end.  After all, tomorrow is a new day, right?

It's been one of those days where it's hard to be grateful for anything.  It would just be much easier to complain and whine ... and cry some more.  However, when I think back over my day and take inventory of all I have to be thankful for, I realize I have a long list of things.  A very long list.  I'm only going to name one though.  I'm only going to name what I have to be the MOST grateful for today.

My merciful Heavenly Father ... the One that gave me the grace to get through this day.  

My Jesus ... my Savior ... my Redeemer.

Oh how I have needed a Redeemer today!

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 35

Tonight we didn't allow either of the girls to make plans with friends, and we all stayed home and watched a movie together.  We finally got around to watching "Courageous".  Sara and I picked it up at Wal-mart the other day.  If you have not seen this movie, you need to.  Such an amazing movie!  You will need a box of Kleenex when you watch it.  I don't want to give the movie away if you haven't seen it, but I think it would be so neat to see the men in our church take the resolution those guys did.  So powerful.

After the movie was over and we all went about our business, I got to thinking about how grateful I am Sara and Hannah have a father who loves the Lord and loves his family.  We are so blessed.

I'm getting teary all over again.  I'm glad no one is sitting in the room with me right at this moment.

I am so grateful we have him.  He is such an amazing man, husband and father.  We are so blessed.

The end.

For now at least because my head hurts too bad to cry again.

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Days 27 - 34

It's been a long week.  I began the new med Dr. Gaw started me on last Thursday night and ended up having side effects I didn't expect.  I didn't even think to ask what the side effects were and failed to read the insert in the pamphlet in the samples he sent home with me.  Some of you may be wondering why on earth I would possibly take a med I had not read the side effects it could have.  I have complete confidence in my doctors.  They know me well and they all know I how I tend to react to meds.  I know none of them would give me anything they thought would harm me.  I would not have blind faith in them.  It took awhile for each of them to gain my trust.  I realize anyone could make a mistake, but I also know we have a sovereign God who I have more trust in than three of them put together.  Grant it, it get fearful at times.  I worry and camp out on all of the "what ifs" at times.  Ultimately, my hope and trust is in Him and Him alone.  It just sometimes takes me awhile to remind myself of what I know.

Anyhoo, it's been a long week.  I've had a horrible headache.  I feel like I have been hit over the back of the head with a bat.  It's also made me very tired and sleepy.  If I sit still for more than just a few minutes I get so sleepy I can hardly hold my eyes open.  I've spent my energy doing the things I've had to do over the past week and all of the other things I've let go.  The sleep has been good, especially since I went so many weeks hardly sleeping at all.  But mercy, sleeping so much is getting old.  The headache is terrible.  It radiates from the back of my head to the front of my head.  I'm going to keep taking it until the end of next week.  I'm going to give it the full 2 weeks he said it would take for me to notice a difference and then make a decision from there to keep taking it or not.  Hopefully by then the side effects will have worn off.

I have kept a list the past week of things I have to be grateful for and I'm just going to quickly list them.  I hope to get back on track with my daily post tomorrow.

Day 27 ~ I am grateful I have nowhere to be and can just rest.

Day 28 ~ I am grateful to finally get my hair done.  I am also grateful I was able to spend a few hours with my friend Deborah while she was doing my hair.  I absolutely adore her.  I love that we can laugh until our stomachs hurt and have some of the sweetest heart to heart conversations.

Day 29 ~ I am grateful I was able to go to church morning and evening.  I heard some of the sweetest testimonies from young adults in Sunday school that I am so grateful I did not miss.  I was able to hear another sermon on the Beatitudes that challenged my heart.  Sunday night I heard a sermon that blessed my heart so much.  When he was finished I found myself asking, "you're done?"

Day 30 ~ I am grateful my parents are celebrating 24 years of marriage.  Don is one of the greatest blessings the Lord has given to my mom, myself and my brothers.

Day 31 ~ I am grateful I was able to cuddle with sweet baby Olivia for about an hour and a half.  We had a going away party for our youth intern and his family at church.  They have two boys and a one week old baby girl.  She is beautiful.

Day 32 ~ I am grateful I was able to make it to bible study.

Day 33 ~ I am grateful I was able to go to Grace group.  I needed it for multiple reasons.  It was such a blessing ... even if I did get picked on. : )

Day 34 ~ I am grateful I have job I can do from home and not have to worry about having to call-in.  I can work for a little bit and then take a nap.  There is no way I could work an 8 hour a day job.

There is so much more I could add to all of those days, but those are the highlights.  However, above all I am grateful I serve a God Who's sustaining grace gets me through each and every day.