Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Come to Me

I woke up in the middle of the night with a song on my heart.  It's been months, maybe even a year, since I've heard it.  Listening to Pandora while getting ready to go to bible study this morning, "Come to Jesus" by Chris Rice began to play.

Okay, Lord, you have my attention.  What are You trying to tell me?

All through bible study this song kept playing over and over in my head.

Why, Lord?  I promise I'm listening.  What's up with this song today?

It continued to play.  It even had me a bit preoccupied at times.  The words kept running through my head as the tune played on my heart.

Our bible study is Treasures of Encouragement by Susan Betters.  We are only in week two, but it's already such a sweet study.  As I was making a sandwich for lunch I was thinking through a plan of how I was going to complete each day's assignment, people I need to send cards to and how I needed to make a note not to forget my prayer partner for the week.

And it hit me.

Well, actually the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart.

The song is to encourage you, Robin.

I haven't told anyone this.  Not even Nathan.  I am battling a really bad depression.  I would love to cut myself off from the outside world and go to bed.  I'm tired.  So tired.  I'm physically and mentally exhausted.  And I'm sad.  And I hurt.

I miss my mama.  Next week is her birthday.  Our birthday.  The first birthday without her.  And it's on a Wednesday.  And I'm turning 40.  I never thought I would be celebrating 40 without my mama.  Instead of buying a chocolate, chocolate chip ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins to share, I'll be buying flowers for her grave.  There will be no rushing to see who can wish the other "Happy Birthday" first.  There will be no birthday card from her with a note saying I was the greatest birthday gift she ever got.

Instead there will be a visit to the cemetery to replace the flowers on her grave.

I would say it's not supposed to be this way, but if I believe in a sovereign God, I know this is exactly the way it's supposed to be.  I don't understand it, nor do I like it.  I hate it.  This is hard.  Very hard.  And as the day grows closer, my heart gets heavier.

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." ~ Matthew 11:28

No comments:

Post a Comment