Saturday, June 2, 2012

I Cry ... A Lot

I've been thinking a lot this past week about how drastically my life has changed in the past four and half years.  It has been full of struggles, fears, heartbreak and complete exhaustion.  There have been times I have wanted to give up.  Living in constant pain isn't easy.  Not knowing from one day to the next if I'm going to be able to walk when I wake up, or if I'm going to fall, break something and never walk again is scary.  Having to be dependent on others for the most basic things has been humbling.  Life is not easy.  It's a constant struggle, and I get frustrated.  Sometimes my frustration turns into anger.

I cry ... a lot.

I pray every day the Lord would heal me.  I pray He would heal me instantly or through the knowledge He gives my doctors.  I pray for there to a cure for CIDP.

And I pray every day for Him to come and take us home.

I am living with an incurable autoimmune disease.  Not only is there no cure, it's hard to control the symptoms.  The pain is so much at times I would give anything for it to stop.  The best way I know how to describe it is it feels like electrical shocks are running through my arms, fingers, legs and toes.  It burns like they are on fire, and it feels like I'm being stabbed with an ice pick.  I have muscle spasms all through my body that feel like "charlie horses".  My feet drag the floor because I have foot drop, which increases my chances of falling.  My body is weak, and I tire easily.  Most of the time I am miserable.

I cry ... a lot.

I've lost my job.  I've lost my independence.  I've even lost relationships that I've discovered were not what I thought they were.

 I cry ... a lot.

Ten weeks and three days ago I lost my Mama.  I'm still in shock even though every day it becomes a little more real to me.  The pain in my heart is unending.  My arms ache to hug her.  I miss her every day phone calls.  I miss how if I happened to not be at home she would run me down, want to know where I was at, who I was with and what were we doing.  It frustrated me so much at the time, but I miss it now.  My heart is broken.  I don't even know what words to use to describe the pain.  I don't even think the words exist.

I've lost a lot.

I cry ... a lot.

I've cried a million tears over the past four and half years.  I have sobbed and whaled so much I didn't think it would ever stop.  But when I learned to cry out to the Lord, I began to realize that although I've lost much, I've gained much more.

"Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary." ~ Isaiah 40:31

I am waiting on the Lord to answer my prayers.  I'm waiting on Him to heal my body.  I'm waiting on Him heal my broken heart.  I'm waiting with great anticipation for Him to come and take His children home.

While I wait, I continue to cry out to Him.  While I wait, He gives me His strength.  And it's only because of His strength I can continue to wait.

I cry out to Him ... a lot.

"More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ," ~ Philippians 4:8

In my loss ... in my heartache ... I have gained a deeper knowledge of Christ.  I have gained a much closer relationship with my Savior.  I have been given grace and mercy at the very moment I needed them.  I have been given peace in the midst of life's storms.  I have been given much love.  I have been given strength when I didn't know how I could possibly take my next breath.

My life may have drastically changed over the past four and a half years, but Jesus hasn't.

He's still the same.  He's the same Jesus that He was moments before I collapsed in my office.  He's the same Jesus that He was moments before He took my Mama home.  He's still the same Jesus today as I sit here exhausted and in pain.

He will be the same Jesus tomorrow when my church celebrates it's first Sunday in our new building.

He's the same Jesus in sorrow as He is when we are rejoicing.

So when you cry, cry out to Him.

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