Sunday, June 24, 2012

Some Days Are Harder

Some days are harder than others, and yesterday was a hard day.  Sometimes it makes sense to me why a certain day is especially hard, and sometimes there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to why.  Yesterday was one of those days.

Nathan took me by the cemetery yesterday morning before the Women's Conference at my church started.  All the way there I had to fight the tears.  Once we got there, I just lost control.  I don't know why.  I miss her.  Plain and simple.

I just want my Mama back.

All the way back to the church I tried to stop crying, but it was one of those times that the harder I tried, the more the tears fell.  By the time I walked in the door my eyes were red and puffy and my nose was raw.

But the Lord was gracious and He placed two of my sweetest, dearest friends right inside the door, and they met me with a hug.  They know they can't fix my shattered heart, but they know the One who can.  Those hugs said a thousand words to me, and in that moment, they were exactly what I needed.

But I still desperately want my Mama back.

One of my most precious friend's father is living in his last days here on earth.  It was just a few short weeks ago they were given the news he has a very aggressive form of lung cancer.  My heart aches for her ... literally aches.  She is so precious to me and it is so hard to watch her hurting through this.  I don't know which is harder.  Having to watch your parent die, or loosing your parent with no warning.  Like she said yesterday, they are both hard in their own way.  However, I sort of think if I had to watch my Mama die while she was suffering with cancer, it would have been much harder.

I am going to be honest and say something that is going to seem strange ...

As she was sharing with me how she had the opportunity to have a sweet conversation with him and tell him good-bye, I found myself with a huge sense of jealousy.

Yes, jealousy.

I didn't have that opportunity.  I have wrestled for the past 3 months with wondering if Mama knew how much I really loved her.  I've kicked myself over and over for not telling her I love her when I hung up the phone that Tuesday afternoon.  Had I known it was my last conversation with her, there is so much I would have said to her.

But as I saw the pain in her eyes that she tried to cover up with a smile on her face, I was quickly reminded I didn't have to watch her suffer.  Immediately my jealousy turned into this overwhelming sense of compassion for her.

Lord Jesus, help my friend.  Fill her with Your presence in a way that she is constantly reminded You are with her and will carry her through this.  Give her Your peace that passes all understanding, and sustain her with all of the strength she needs today and in the days ahead.

 I uttered this prayer in my heart as I hugged her.  There is so much I want to do to help her, but I know the greatest thing I can do is carry her to Jesus and lay her at His feet.

I realized this morning that maybe one of the reasons the Lord has allowed the loss of my Mama to be so fresh on my heart these past few days is so I will be reminded of what my friend ... my sister is going to need.

I want my Mama back.  Some moments are seemingly unbearable.  I am painfully aware those moments are going to come for my friend.

And I will be there to hold her, cry with her and most of all pray with her.


  1. this absolutely breaks my heart for both of you. it's a good reminder that I need to be praying for her and her days ahead. i'm still praying for you often. i hope God can use you to comfort her as best as any person could.

  2. I finally had a chance tonight to catch up on about a month's worth of your blog posts. They are each so precious to me to read of your continuous return to Jesus though the struggles are so many. Today was a hard day for me for some reason. I just missed Dad more than I had yet and the tears flowed quietly, but often throughout the day. Reading this post brought tears again--as I considered your pain and your kindness to me. Thanks for your prayers. I am glad to know God is beginning to show you that you will get better at handling the pain. Gives me great comfort.