Wednesday, May 30, 2012

My Jesus is the Same

We've reached 10 weeks since my Mama went to be with Jesus.  I've been wondering all morning how long will I count the weeks and then begin to only count the months.  I don't even want to think about years.  Just adding up the weeks and beginning to count the months along with them is more than I can process.  It seems like forever since I've talked to her, seen her, hugged her.  Sometimes I think I would do anything to have the chance to do all of those things once again, but once I remember that would require her to leave heaven, I quickly realize I actually wouldn't do anything.  As much as I love her, and I love her more than my heart could ever fully express, Jesus loves her infinitely more.

Hearing her say, "I'll talk to you tomorrow" still replays over and over in my head.  I still pick up the phone to call her without even realizing what I'm doing.  I cry every day.  When I see my dad's name pop up on the caller ID my first thought is it's her.  The hours between 12:00 pm and 2:00 pm continue to be hard.  Wednesdays I dread still.  I wonder how long will those things continue to happen frequently?

It still hurts so much at times I don't know how I'm going to take my next breath.  The void ... the black hole ... continues to get bigger.  After buying flowers to put together for her grave once they finally get the stone laid, I went home and sobbed.  I felt like I was moving in slow motion through the aisles.  I don't know how I would have ever done it without Mary's help.

Going to the cemetery every day has just become a normal part of life.

So has living with a broken heart.

Yet in the midst of all of the pain and sorrow, there is one thing that is even more constant than all of that.

My Jesus is still the same as He was 10 weeks and one day ago as He is today.  He is still faithful.  He continues to carry me and hold me.  He comforts me in a way no one else has or ever will.  He is my hope ... my only hope.  Somehow, even in the middle of all of the chaos going on in my heart, He gives me the peace that passes all understanding.  He is my rock.

I was sharing with my bible study group yesterday how one of the first things I thought about after my Mama died was ...

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." ~ Hebrews 13:8

As I sat on the carport as they were preparing to bring my mom out of her house, this verse kept replaying over and over in my mind.  I kept saying over and over, "My Jesus is the same, my Jesus is the same."  I've held tightly to this truth every moment since then.

I'm currently attending a bible study over the 23 Psalm.  I've always just thought of this Psalm as the one that is almost always read at a funeral.  My uncle referenced it at the graveside the day we buried her.  However, I will never think of it the same way again.  It has so much more meaning to me.  It's such a vivid picture of how the Lord truly is our Shepherd.  An illustration of how He constantly watches over us, protects us and leads us exactly to where we need to be.

I am His sheep, and He is my Shepherd.  A protective Shepherd who not only constantly watches over me, but a Shepherd that is constantly pouring His grace and mercy upon me.  He's always done this in the past.  His doing it this very moment.  And He will be doing it when the weeks and months turn into years.

I couldn't survive this pain otherwise.

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