Monday, May 21, 2012

Two Months With Jesus

It's so hard for my head to comprehend today marks 2 months my Mama has been with Jesus.  My heart feels every minute of it though.  I still can't look at a picture of her without bursting into tears.  There is a part of me that is still in shock.  I picked up the phone this week twice to call her.  There are times I turn around and I see her standing there.  It seems so real it's almost like I can reach out and touch her.

We've now lived through the first Easter and the first Mother's Day without her.  It wasn't easy.  Both days my nephew said the prayer over lunch, and both times he ended it by saying, "And Jesus, please let Nana have a good time with you today."  I'm crying just typing that.

I keep asking how this could have happened.  I still wake up and wonder if it was all a nightmare.  I have yet to finish "thank you" notes.  If you are due one, it's coming.  I just can't tell you when.  I can only seem to write a couple of them at a time without crying.  I'm not sure why it's so hard.

I miss her more and more every day.  There are moments the pain is all encompassing.  It's paralyzing and takes my breath away.  I know people say it will get easier, but I don't believe it will happen until Jesus comes back.

Maybe that will be today.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus.  Come quickly.

I have prayed this at least a dozen times already today.  My longing for Heaven grows moment to moment.

The day my Mama died I kept reminding myself my Jesus is the same today as He was moments before that heart-wrenching phone call from my dad.  He's the same Jesus today that He was during my last conversation with my mom when she said to me, "I'll talk to you tomorrow."  He knew it would be the last conversation I would ever have with her.  It was part of His perfect plan to call her home less than 24 hours later.  His perfect plan for her and for me.

I know His way is perfect, and I know He will give me the grace to get through moment to moment.  I wish I felt though.

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