Saturday, May 5, 2012

Paranoia Is Getting The Best Of Me

This past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life.  My entire life.  I've been a basketcase.  Most of the week I've spent alone, other than bible study on Tuesday and a meeting on Thursday night.  I have purposefully spent it alone because I just don't have the energy to pretend I'm okay.  I canceled most of what I had planned.  I went to bible study thinking it might help, and I had to go to my Titus 2 meeting Thursday night.  I was the one in charge of the meeting, and I had already had to cancel it twice.  Oh, and I had my MRI on Monday.  That was lovely.

I am weary.  I dread sleep because I keep having the exact same nightmare about my mom.  She's screaming for help, and I can't get to her.  I try to scream for someone to help her, but I can't get the words out.  So when I do sleep, it's an exhausting sleep.

I still can't even get over the shock of my mom's death.  It wears off little by little each day, but I still just can't wrap my head around how she can be here one minute and then gone with no warning.  I don't know how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life without her.  I've picked up the phone several times this week to call her.  I don't even know how to explain the feeling that comes over me when I realize I can't call her.

I'm paranoid.  I had someone tell me I thought everyone was out to get me.  That's not true.  Yes, I've had people say dumb, hurtful things to me.  Things that have hurt me deeply.  That's not paranoia.  That's just fact.  However, I do feel like everyone is pulling away from me.  Some people actually are because they just don't know what to do.  They don't know how to help or what to say.  It's just easier for them to back away.  So that causes me to feel like everyone around me is.

Everyone.

I have this delusion I'm not a part of my mom's family anymore.  She was the link to them, and now she's gone.  Deep down I know it's not true, but on the surface it feels that way.  I don't know how to explain it.  I know it sounds foolish, but it's how I feel.  I have a couple of aunts who call a couple of times a week to check on me.  One of my uncles will text me a few times a week wanting to know how I'm doing.  Another one has called a couple of times to check on me.  A few of my cousins will email me occasionally to see how I'm doing.  One aunt took me to lunch one day, and we spent a couple of hours having a heart to heart conversation.

But I'm still terrified I don't belong anymore.  I've thought a lot about it this week trying to figure out why.  Maybe it's because I don't feel like I can be completely honest with them about how I'm really doing.  I feel like I have to hold back some because they are dealing with their own grief.  My mom's death has been devastating to all of us.

I've even felt the same way about Mary and Darryl; two of my best, most cherished friends.  Mary has held her phone for hours and listened to me poor my heart out and cry ... and cry some more.  There have been several days she's just picked me up and taken me to her house because she knows being alone isn't good for me.  She's taken me to the cemetery.  She's even taken me to Sonic ... that is a big deal for Mary because she's not fond of all the sugar in those large drinks I get.  But she did it because she loves me.  Darryl has spent hours sitting on my couch listening to me spill my guts and trying to encourage me.  Hours.  He's spent quite a bit of time holding his phone too.  They always answer.  They always come when I need them.  Yet in my paranoia I even feel like they are pulling away, when it's simply not true.

I've even felt that way about Nathan.  The one who sits by me every night listening to me.  The one who takes me to the cemetery every day.  He would do anything for me.  He's not going anywhere.  He's proven that time and time again.

I feel like I have to pretend I'm okay around most everyone.  Pretending is exhausting, and I'm really not that good at it.  When people ask me how I'm doing it's all I can do to choke out the words, I'm okay.  I'm really not okay.  Far from it.  I just don't want to make people uncomfortable.

I talk to one of my brothers almost every day.  I think there have only been two days since my mom died that we haven't talked, but we have texted every single day.  He understands more than anyone how I feel.  We've spent so many hours talking.  We've cried and we've laughed.  But even with him I feel like I can't let him know how I'm really doing.  He's a basketcase too.  I don't want to add to his grief.  And I know he's holding back from me also ... for the exact same reasons.

I just feel so alone.  There's this black hole the grows bigger everyday.

I just want my Mama back.

I just realized how many times I've said, "I feel".  Darryl's words that he has said to me for years, "Your feelings will betray you, Robin", are ringing in my ears.

I know I'm not alone.  I know my fear of everyone who I love backing away from me is paranoia.  But even if they were turning and running for the hills to get away from me, I'm still not alone.

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit." ~ Psalm 34:18
" ... for He Himself has said, “ I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU,” ~ Hebrews 13:5
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." ~ Hebrews 13:8
Those just happen to be the verses the Lord has laid on my heart to cling to through all of this.

 

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