He's My Strength

Two weeks.  It's so hard to believe she died two weeks ago today.  I miss her more and more every day, and my heart still hurts more today than it did yesterday.  My heart is so raw it bleeds.

All day long people ask me, "How are you doing?"  I've discovered I don't even know how to answer that question.  My heart hurts more than I ever thought it possibly could.  It never lets up.  I feel this huge void throughout my entire body, and the entire world is different.  Everything looks different to me.  I often cry and sometimes those cries turn into complete whaling.  I'm full of so many questions that will never have answers this side of eternity.  I dread sleep because every time I wake up for just a moment it feels like the past two weeks have been a bad dream, and then I have to face the realization once again she died.  This is the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my entire life.

And yet, I'm really okay.

It often doesn't feel okay, but I remind myself of the words of my big brother, Darryl, "Your feelings will betray you, Robin."

That betrayal causes me to forget I have a sovereign God.  He will never leave me.  He is constantly guiding my path.  He is giving me the grace to get through moment to moment, and He's carrying me when I just can't take the next step.

Yes, I cry A LOT.  My heart aches to the point I just can't bear it ... but with Jesus I can.

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18

He's all around me.  He's in the wind that swirls around me.  He's in the sunrise each morning that is yelling out, "I love you!", and in the sunset that reminds me He'll still be there in the darkness of night.  He's in the devotions I read all throughout the day.  He's in the scripture that He leads me to when I open my bible not knowing exactly where to turn for comfort.

He's in my family and friends that keep my phone ringing and beeping all day long ... the same family and friends who are praying for me around the clock.

My friend, John, sent me an email yesterday, and in it he said something that has caused me to ponder and has given me comfort.  I said I find myself getting into panic when I think about those last few hours my mom was alive.  I can get so caught up in not knowing the details.  He shared something that he had experienced during the last days of his mother's life, and then he said this ...

"I can't help but think that if your mom knew she were about to die, that God had taken care to make sure that she was experiencing no fear."

I think he's right.

So, as I sit here sobbing, barely able to see the screen in front of me as type, I'm okay.  My heart is bleeding.  My body is consumed with a pain like no other pain I have ever felt in my life.  My arms ache because I want so desperately to hug her.  I am wishing the phone was going to ring later today and for her to be on the other end asking me a million questions.

I miss her so, so much!!

But in the midst of the pain and suffering, the Lord still remains faithful.  Just like He was yesterday, and He will be tomorrow.

I don't have the the strength to take my next step, but the Lord is my Strength.

"And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

He Continues To Be Faithful

Sometimes I feel like King David.  One minute I am crying out in agony asking the LORD "how long", and the next I am praising Him for His promise to give me the grace to endure this unrelenting pain.  I don't know how people who don't know Him get through tragedy.  I couldn't.  I can see how anger and bitterness would quickly set up, not to mention how the pain would be all consuming.  I'd be frozen, unable to function at all.  Even with His grace at times the pain is seemingly unbearable.

The oddest things send me into complete melt down mode.  I have a friend who lost her mother not long ago warn me that would happen.  She was so honest when she told me what to expect.  I often go back and read her email to see if what I'm feeling is "normal".

But then again, who knows what "normal" really means.

It's been exactly two weeks since I heard my Mama say, "I'll talk to you tomorrow."  In some ways it seems like it was just yesterday, but it also feels like it's been years since I heard her voice.

I miss her more today than I did yesterday.  I tell the Lord every day I just want my Mama back.  Selfishly, I do.  I want to be able to tell her I'm sorry for being short with her at times.  I want to be able to hear her tell me the same things over and over again, and for me to be able to say, "Mama, you've told me this 50 times already."  Then she would laugh and say, "Oh ... well", only to turn around 15 mins later and repeat herself again.

I want her back, but like my brother reminded me yesterday, she wouldn't come back if she could.  And really, we wouldn't want her to come back either.

She's with Jesus.  She's living in Paradise.

That gives me great comfort.

Sometimes I allow my mind to wonder if she realized what was happening to her just before she died.  I can get very overwhelmed with the thoughts of wondering what happened in her last few hours.  It panics me knowing she was alone.  I wish she had called someone.  I wish we had taken her to the doctor.  I wish ...

I wish so many things would have happened that day.

But like my brother said yesterday, we could have taken her to the doctor and she still would have died.  I told him part of me would at least have the peace of knowing we had done all we could.  He quickly reminded me nothing happens without passing through the hands of God first.  It was her time to be called home.

As Ralph said to me the just hours after she died, "It's a hard providence."

But the Lord continues to be faithful.  Just when I wonder how I am going to get through the next moment, He's already given me the grace to do it.  He has surrounded me with friends and family who are calling, emailing and texting all day long telling me they are praying ... wanting to know what they can do to help.  Some drop by just to sit with me for a few minutes and pray with me.  Some of them have experienced the loss of a parent ... some have lost both parents, so they know how hard this is.

I have friends who are sending me scripture after scripture to remind me the Lord is faithful ... He'll carry me through this.

And I wonder if they realize He's using them to accomplish that?

Everflowing Tears

This is by far the hardest day yet.  I'm not sure why, except things do seem to get harder with each passing day.  Today the pain has increased so much more than yesterday though.  I can't stop the tears, and I feel so alone.

I know I'm not.

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18

Just because I feel alone doesn't mean I am.

"Your feelings will betray you, Robin."  If I had a penny for every time Darryl has said that to me, well, I'd be able to buy a Sonic coke every day for the next 10 years.

I know I can only rely on what's true, and the only absolute truth is God's Word.

Like I said yesterday, I either trust Him, or I don't.  I still choose to trust Him.

Trusting Him means I trust His Word.

" ... for He Himself has said, “ I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU,” - Hebrews 13:15

He says He will never leave me, so I'm never really alone.

Sometimes my feelings can be really convincing though.  Especially today.

I tried so hard to make it through church yesterday without falling apart.  I almost made it.

Then we took communion, and I fell apart.  I tried to dart out of church as fast as I could, but with a rolling walker and feet that scoot on the floor, I don't move nearly as fast as I would have liked.

People try to be supportive.  They hug me and tell me they are praying for me.  Those who have lost a parent will say things to me that are helpful.  They "get it".

It's sort of like belonging to a club no one wishes to have a membership to.

But there always seems to be that one person who stabs my heart to the bone.

"Oh goodness, not tears again.  Crying all the time isn't going to bring her back."

I had to walk away ... because honestly, I wanted to slap her.

"You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" - Psalm 56:8

He must have an enormous bottle.

I've tried to not cry so much, especially when I'm around other people.

Sometimes I can't control it though.

I just miss her so much.

Visits to the cemetery have become a normal part of life.

As we drove up the driveway to the cemetery yesterday there were three people standing at my mom's grave.  Three strangers.  They were reading her temporary grave marker.  As we were getting out of the van they walked away.  At first it panicked me a little.  I know it's sounds silly, but it was like they were invading her space.  I had a hard time leaving after that.  I wanted to stay there and protect her space.

I know it's not any different than what I have done myself.  I've walked through cemeteries and read headstones.  Somehow this just seems different.

Maybe it's because it's just another one of those things that makes her death more real.

The Protective Care of God

I called my dad yesterday afternoon to check on him.  When the answering machine kicked on after about 5 rings my first thought was, "I wonder why Mama didn't answer her phone?"  She almost always answered the phone.  In just the few seconds it took me to dial the number and for the answering machine to pick up, it had somehow slipped my mind why I was calling.  For a moment I had forgotten she was never going to answer her phone again.

My heart sank and I thought I was going to throw up.

Simple things like her not answering the phone keep occurring that are constant reminders she's gone.  With every reminder my heart becomes more and more raw.  It feels like a razor blade cutting across my heart.

I miss her so much.

The pain in my heart, the overwhelming sadness that radiates throughout my body is indescribable.

Every passing moment becomes harder.

Even though her death sinks in a little more each day, it still is so hard to believe.  I still expect her to answer the phone.  I find myself looking at the clock around 12:00 p.m. and the thought crosses my mind she will be calling at anytime.  When I ordered Hannah's school pictures this past week I found myself wondering what size photo she would want.

And then there are times I hear the phone call from my dad over and over again.  The sight of police cars, the ambulance, detectives and police officers walking around the yard at her house as we drove up the driveway keeps replaying in my head.

The entire way there I kept praying my dad just couldn't wake her up, and the paramedics would be able to help her.

I've asked God why.  Why did He have to take her so early?  Why did He have to take her when there was so much left unsaid between us?

So many why's, and not enough answers.

I have to keep reminding myself of what I read somewhere, "Because I know Who, I am willfully unconcerned with the why".

I either trust God or I don't.  It's that simple.

I choose to trust Him.

Trusting Him means I have to believe He's sovereign.  His plan is perfect.  His plan is perfect for my mom ... and for me.  He doesn't make mistakes.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28ALL things ... even the death of my Mama.

"It's a hard providence.", a wise man said to me.  He's actually an Old Testament scholar.  Although his words took me off guard at the time he said them, I know it's true.

I actually looked up the word providence.  It's definition said, "the protective care of God".

The protective care of God.  As I read those words there was a peace that came over me that I can't explain.

"And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7

A peace that passes all understanding.

My aunt Susie actually said the other night she believes God was protecting her from something.  I thought about what she said and I've asked Him what was He protecting her from.

"Because I know Who I am willfully unconcerned with the why."

He is still the same.  My Jesus is still the same today as He was before He took her home to be with Him.  He will still be the same tomorrow.  He plan remains perfect.  At the foot of the cross remains the only place I can find comfort.

I have to be willfully unconcerned with the why because I trust Him.

Ralph is right.  It's a hard providence to accept.  However, knowing she is in the protective care of God makes it easier.  That doesn't mean I'm not selfish and wish she I could call her.  But in the midst of the indescribable pain of my raw heart, I have a peace and a joy knowing she's with him.  I have a hope that one day we will be together in Heaven rejoicing and praising our Heavenly Father forever.
 

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

In this pit of pain that makes it so hard to breathe, I am holding that close to my raw heart.

At the foot of the cross still remains the only place I can find comfort.