366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 43

I have made it no secret about how depressed I have been the past week or so.  It's been a long time since I've been this depressed, and what makes it even harder is knowing it is most likely coming from a medicine.  A nasty side effect I was unaware could happen.  It's frustrating to know that although the medicine is now out of my system, the effects still linger.  Hopefully they will be gone within the next week, but no one really knows that for certain.  I told Darryl today I wish my brain would just hurry up and hit "reset".  I am not a patient person by any means, and this is wearing me quite thin.  I don't really have a desire to do much of anything ... well, expect maybe go to the beach.  I haven't been near an ocean in three years.  That was in February, or it might have been January, in the northern part of California.  It was cold and rainy.

Anyway, I'm getting off track.

My desire to do much of anything is nil.  I still haven't ordered that purse I have wanted for so long.  It was pointed out to me today I haven't been returning text or emails, and I'm canceling too many plans with friends.  I just don't have the energy or the want to be social.  I just keep hoping this feeling will go away and things will go back to normal.  Yet every day it lingers, the more afraid I become the feeling isn't going to leave.  I've probably asked Darryl 20 times if he is for sure this is coming from the medicine.  When my friend pointed out how many plans I've canceled and those plans I don't intend to keep this week ... well, it made me even more fearful.  I'm usually bursting at the seams wanting to get out of the house, but now I totally dread the thought of going anywhere.  I don't want to have to talk to anyone.  I don't want to have to answer the questions of all my well-meaning friends.  I don't want to have to pretend I'm just fine so folks won't be concerned.  I don't have then energy for any of it.

So I cancel plans.  I don't answer phone calls or emails.  I avoid everyone.  Not intentional.  I do it without even realizing it.  I have bunco tomorrow night, and I told friends yesterday I wouldn't be there.  I have bible study Wednesday, and I've already told a friend I won't be coming.  The ladies in our church are planning to get together Friday night, and I told someone today I don't intend to go.  I had already made the decision to do none of it without realizing what I was saying.  I even had to make myself go to church yesterday.  I had no desire to go.  I wanted to just go to bed and stay under the covers.

I have a cousin that wants to have what my cousins and I refer to as a "cousins' night out" this weekend.  I agreed to go and as soon as I did I thought, "what have I done?!"  Because staying home seems so much better to me.

But it really isn't better for me.  I know cutting myself off from those who love me and care about me is not good for me at all, but I still do it.  Why?  Because it's so much easier.  It takes much less energy.

And yet I have friends that refuse to allow that to happen.  They drag me out of the house.  They keep calling and texting when I don't answer.  Emails keep coming.  They tell me all the things I don't want to hear but I need to hear.

And they point me to the cross.  So many times Darryl has told me over and over, "I have nothing to offer you other than Jesus."  So many times I've wanted him to "fix" whatever was wrong.  I've yelled at him more times than I care to admit because he couldn't fix it.  After all, he's my doctor.  He's one of my closest, dearest friends.  He's my big brother.  His story has never changed though.  Consistency has been his speciality, "I have nothing to offer you other than Jesus."

That's what those who love us do.  They point us right back to the cross, and sometimes we are blessed enough to have them go with us, even carry us there when we don't have the energy or the want to go ourselves.

That is what I am grateful for tonight.  Being at the foot of the cross, where grace and mercy meet, with those I am blessed to be loved by enough to carry me there.

Thank you, friends.

And thank you Jesus, for not just giving me those friends who go with me, but even more so for giving us a place we can go for everything we need.

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Days 40-42

I know I am behind in writing.  I just haven't had the desire to write.  I spend a lot of time crying and wishing this feeling would go away.  I asked Darryl again today, "How much longer until the medicine is out of my system?"  He told me he thinks things I will be back to normal in about a week ... maybe I should clarify that to what is normal for me.  I really hope so.  This has been scary.

So what have I been grateful for the past 3 days ...

I have a Heavenly Father who is always there for me.  He provides for my every single need.  He loves me unconditionally and without end.  His mercies are new every more and His grace has an endless supply.

I have a husband who loves me so much that he has spent hours this weekend hanging pictures for me, and he hasn't complained that we aren't finished yet.

I have two beautiful daughters who love Jesus.

I have the most amazing friends.  Friends who love me enough to not allow me to shut myself off from them just because I don't feel like talking and will listen to me when I need to talk.  Friends who know that sometimes the best thing you can do is hug me and let me cry it out.  Friends that point me straight back to Jesus when I ask the all too familiar question, "why".

Have I mentioned how grateful I am for Jesus?  I am so grateful that I am His and nothing or no one can ever change that.  It's a done deal.  I am His, and He is mine.  I've needed to be reminded of this very truth today.  He knew before my alarm went off this morning what kind of day it was going to be.  He knew one person would send me into a tailspin, so He sent 20 more to remind of me of what is true.

He is mine.  I am His.  His mercies are new every morning.  His grace comes in an endless supply.  He has made provisions for my every need long before I had a clue there was a need.

I have so much to be grateful and I am blessed beyond measure.

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 39

I am still feeling really depressed.  It still seems the reason is due to a side effect from the med I began taking two weeks ago.  Darryl gave me the lovely news today it could take 1-2 weeks for the effect to wear off.  Just like it takes time for the med to build up in my system, it will take time to leave my system.  I really did not want to hear that.

However, I made the decision at the beginning of the year to be intentional about trying to focus of the things I have to be grateful for each day.  I admit, it's not always so easy.  My mind naturally wants to veer toward all of the negative things, but I am determined to not let that keep me from focusing on all the blessings I have been given.

The level of the med will be less in my system tomorrow than it was today.  I am grateful.

My friend Deborah showed up on my doorstep this afternoon with a Sonic drink and a hug.  I am grateful.

My mom called today with some encouraging news about someone who has been so heavy on my heart for months now.  I am grateful.

Two of my cousins sent encouraging words to me this morning and reminded me they love me.  I am grateful.

I had several friends call, text and email today to tell me they love me and remind me they are praying for me.  I am grateful.

I had lots of work to keep me busy today.  I am grateful.

The prints I ordered of our family photos came today, and they turned out fabulous.  I am grateful.

Mary reminded me of my own words today ... what I know in my heart to be true ...  "And my friend, Robin, would say, let’s just take one day at a time.  The Lord gave us grace sufficient for today."  I am grateful.

Darryl reminded me of this today, " My confidence concerning you is who you belong to. Our Lord will not let go of you no matter what that medicine did to you. He is All Powerful and does not let Go of His. I will continue to pray!"  I am grateful.

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 38

I still don't know why I cry at any given moment.  It just happens.  It doesn't make sense.  I'm just depressed.  Nathan told me last week I could buy the purse I have been wanting and was shocked when I told him last night I still have not ordered it.  He wanted to know what I had done with his wife.  I wish I knew where she was because I don't like how I feel right now.

The decision was made today for me to stop taking the new med I've been taking.  Another side effect I was unaware of could be causing the way I am feeling.  It wasn't helping anyway.  I still have the horrible headache, and I haven't noticed a change in my pain level.  Hopefully, it was what is causing me to be so depressed, and I'll start feeling better in the next few days.  Hopefully.

I am grateful for God's sustaining grace.  I'm grateful that not only has His grace been sufficient thus far, His grace comes in an endless supply.