Monday, January 28, 2013

The Lord Directs My Path

When someone asked me yesterday at church how I was, I said I was glad the week was over, and we were beginning a new week.

By 8:30 a.m. this morning I was already wanting to hit rewind and start over.  This was not how I envisioned my week starting.

The mind of man plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps. ~ Proverbs 16:9

Actually, I never envisioned this being my life.

I have mostly come to terms with the fact I have CIDP (Chronic Inflammatory Demylinating Polyneuropathy), and I will most likely have it the rest of my life.  I hate it, but I've accepted.  It's a horrible, painful and sometimes down right scary disease.  There are so many unknowns, and I have literally learned what it means to trust the Lord in every step I take.

Today I can walk.  My gait is unsteady, and I find myself sitting on the ground more often than I'd like.  But I can walk.  Some days I do okay.  Especially the days my pain level isn't at a screaming 8 and the swelling in my legs isn't so bad.  I don't have a lot of those days, but I cherish them when they come.  My friend Lucy (Lucy is my sturdy, handy rolling walker with a seat) helps me along at times.  I don't like pushing a walker with hand breaks.  It wasn't in my life plan at 40 to have a rolling walker and blue hang tag.  Honestly, at times it's embarrassing.  But even through the embarrassment, I am grateful to have them.  I'm grateful I don't have to have Lucy with me every day, everywhere I go.  I'm grateful I have her when I need her.

Life has changed a lot in the past 5 years.  I can't think of hardly anything that has stayed the same.

Well, except Jesus.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. ~ Hebrews 13:8

We've had to make a lot of adjustments and begin new normals for us.  I don't always like it, but I've accepted it.  I've learned there are some things I just simply cannot do anymore.  I've learned I have limits ... even though the "limit lessons" seem to be some of the lessons I tend to need to learn over and over.

But there are days I'm not so accepting.  There are days I just loose it.

Today was one of those days.

I woke up in a ton of pain.  It took me forever to get to sleep last night.  I love Sundays, but they are so hard for me.  I've come to just expect Monday is going to be really painful, and I'm going to be exhausted.  However, today seems to be worse.

When Nathan woke me up this morning he told me Hannah was complaining with her eye hurting.  I noticed late yesterday afternoon her eye was really red, but I thought her contact was just aggravating it.  It was so painful this morning she couldn't even open it.  After consulting with Darryl, we decided she needed to go see our eye doctor.  So, I made the appointment and spent the next 40 mins making 17 phone calls trying to find someone to take us.

I'm not exaggerating.  Literally 17 phone calls.

Either the person I called didn't answer or they couldn't do it ... all for legit reasons.  I finally broke down and called my friend Deborah.  She has 3 small kids ... 3 year old twins and a 9 month old.  I didn't want to ask her to drag her kids out, especially so early in the morning, but I had hit desperation.

And while on the phone with her trying to work out a way for her to drive us to the eye doctor, I broke down.

Bless her, she's a good incredible friend.

All that kept going through my head was how I was such a failure as a mom.  I can't even drive my own daughter to the doctor when she needs to go.  You see, because of heavy feet and not having reflexes I can't drive anymore.  My arms are even too heavy to hold on to the steering wheel long enough to drive down the road.  It's a chore to even operate a blow dryer, much less operate a vehicle.

I've been having these feelings for a few weeks now anyway.  Sara is in prom dress shopping mode, and instead of me being the one to go with her the first time she looked at them, she took friends.  Even went as far as almost buying one ... and I wasn't there to experience any of it with her.  And her friends' mom is offering to help her in ways I should be.  Don't get me wrong, I am super grateful Sara has friends whose mom is willing to do those things.  She treats her like another daughter.  I see that as a blessing.

But as I have learned over the past few years, not all blessings feel so good.  I want it to be me.  I am her mom.  And I somehow see it as failure on my part.

Just like as Hannah's mom I should be able to get in my van and drive my daughter to the doctor when she needs to go.

Yet, for some reason ... I happen to think for more than just one reason ... that just isn't God's plan.

And I don't like it.  It's heartbreaking.

It's highly unusual for me not to be able to find someone to help us out in a crunch.  We've been blessed way beyond more than we deserve to have friends  and some family who always come through for us.

In the end, Deborah was willing to go way above and beyond for us this morning ... and our friend Alicia was willing to watch Deborah's baby so she could help us, but the Lord ended up working it out so that Nathan could leave school for a bit and take her.

Actually, He didn't "end up" doing it.  He already had it worked out before Nathan ever woke me this morning.  I just failed to trust Him.  My faith was pretty weak this morning.

    And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

I just keep thinking ... I should have been able to have taken her to the eye doctor and not have to depend on someone else.

Somehow, I think the Lord is trying to teach me something.  Like how my dependence should be on Him.

Or maybe how I need to trust that even though I think His plan sort of stinks right now, it's really what's best for me and family.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding, In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!” ~ Psalm 91:2

And by the way, Hannah is fine.  Apparently, she has developed an allergic reaction to her contact solution.  A simple, easy fix.

Thank you, Jesus!

And my precious husband, who kept trying to calm me down on the phone earlier this morning, came back home with this lovely thing.

He knows my love language. : )

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