366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 57

Last night as I listened to Nathan while he was expressing the anger and hurt for his friend, I was reminded once again how blessed I am to be his wife.  This friend is currently going through a devastating time in her marriage.  Nathan's heart is aching for her, and he has righteous anger toward her husband.  All through the night the Lord has flooded my mind with all reasons I have to be grateful for in Nathan.  We have been through so much in the 18 years we have been together.  There have been so many times when many men would have just walked away.

I am blessed.

As I was watching the sunrise this morning and being reminded of God's unfailing love for us, I thought about Caleb's sermon on Sunday.  Toward the end of his sermon he used the illustration of how we can't look directly at sun.  However, we can look directly at the moon, and the moon is a reflection of the sun.  He asked us to consider if we are a reflection of God's son.  When I look at Nathan that's exactly what I see.

I am blessed.

Nathan's love for our Heavenly Father has given him such a tender heart.  He cares so much for others.  When they are joyful, he is joyful.  When they hurt, he hurts.  Over the years I've watched so many come to him in time of need.  My brother said one time, "When Nathan is around you get this feeling like everything is going to be okay.  He makes you feel safe."  I concur.

I am blessed.

He is dependable.  He is trustworthy.  He is honest.  He is patient.  He is kind.  He is respectful.  He is longsuffering.  He loves his friends.  He loves his family.  He loves Jesus.

I am blessed.

He knows he's not perfect.  He understand his desperate need for Jesus ... a Saviour ... a Redeemer.

I am blessed.

Over the past four years he has spent days at a time sleeping in a chair by my hospital bed.  He has sat quietly by my bed hours at a time asking me every once in awhile, "What can I get you?"  When I was in the hospital 100 miles away from our home, he traveled back and forth every day dividing his time between me and our girls.  He has had to take on such a heavy load in our household.  He has had to help bathe me and dress me.  He has held me when I've sobbed and listened to me when I have screamed in frustration and anger.  He has been my encourager and my biggest cheerleader.  He has helped me off the floor when I've fallen.  He has been there ... day in and day out ... doing whatever was best for me.  Never once has he complained.  I am here ... I love you ... I want to help you ... I do this because I want to ... we will get through this together.  Those are the things he has said to me a million times over the past four eighteen years.

I am blessed.

Nathan is a gift from the Lord Jesus that I often take for granted.  I often fail to say, "thank you".  I often forget how blessed I am to have him by my side.  So when I hear the hurt in his voice for a friend who is struggling in her marriage and I read a Facebook status of a friend who is devastated because her marriage is ending divorce, I find myself being reminded of all the reasons I have to be grateful in him.  I am reminded of how deeply I love him and how deeply he loves me.  I am grateful, honored and humbled to be his wife.

I am so very blessed.

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Days 53-56

Day 53 was last Thursday.  Mary came and got me and went to lunch.  We talked 90 miles a minute and covered about 20 topics.  I cherish my time with her.  I am so grateful to have a friend who loves me unconditionally.

Day 54 was Friday.  Deborah picked me up and I hung out on her couch all afternoon.  On the way to her house we stopped at Sonic, of course, and Ocha to pick up lunch.  I am almost certain I heard one of her twins say, "wa" (water) when I got in her van.  She almost always gets the boys a cup of water at Sonic and they think it's the greatest thing.  I think they correlate Sonic and me.  Deborah said they probably think, "Oh, she getting in the van.  We must be going to Sonic."  I am grateful for Deborah.  She is one of the most genuine, sweetest people I know.

Day 55 was Saturday.  I was exhausted from getting out of the house two days in a row.  I could barely hold up my head.  I didn't do anything all day long.  I am grateful I can rest when I need to rest.  I am grateful I was able to sleep some too.  I haven't slept well lately.

Day 56 was Sunday.  I am grateful I was able to go to church.  It seemed "ify" because I felt rough.  I am so glad I was able to go.  I have a rough week when I have to miss.  And I needed to hear yesterday's sermon desperately.  I also got to hug my sweet friend Sarah bye.  She headed back to South Korea today.  I am really grateful I was able to spend sometime with her while she was here.  She has such a precious heart.

Who Am I?

It's been a long month.  I have felt like a whack-a-mole trying to come out of my hole, but getting hit every time my head pops up.  I am still amazed that medicine could put me in such a deep depression, and just as I would start to come out of it something would whack me on the head to add to that depression.  I think I am finally coming out of it though.  I'm still getting whacked on the head from time to time, but I'm learning to trust the Lord through it all.

I still read Jesus Calling by Sarah Young almost every day.  I actually just sent a copy of it to someone who is also going through a tough time.  It's been a blessing and has given me more "ah-ha" moments than I can count.  Today says ...

"KEEP YOUR EYES ON ME!  Waves of adversity are washing over you, and you feel tempted to give up.  As your circumstances consume more and more of your attention, you are losing sight of Me.  Yet I am with you always, holding you by your right hand.  I am fully aware of your situation, and I will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear.

Your gravest danger is worrying about tomorrow.  If you try to carry tomorrow's burdens today, you will stagger under the load and eventually fall flat.  You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today.  It is in the present moment that I walk close to you, helping you carry your burdens.  Keep your focus on My Presence in the present."  Reference Psalm 73:23; I Corinthians 10:13

I am a worrier.  I worry about what is to come tomorrow a lot.  When I am depressed is when I worry the most, and let me tell you, I have been consumed with worry the past month.  I fear depression because I know what it's grip can do to me.  But while I was fearing depression, I forgot how much more powerful God is.  I took my eyes off of Him.  Once again, just like Peter, I began to sink back in my hole.

Jesus tell us in John 10:10 that satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.  He has tried so hard to do just that to me lately.  He has hit me in ways I never saw coming.  Ways that left in standing in total disbelief at what was happening.  Ways that put me in such a deep depression I began to question everything I knew to be true.

"Be Who You Are".  This was the title of the sermon yesterday.  As His children we are to be salt and light (Matthew 5:13-16).  As Caleb walked us through what it meant to be salt and light, I kept thinking back to something a "friend" said to me a couple of weeks ago.

Out of the blue she walked up to me at church and said one of the most hurtful things that has ever been said to me.  To sum it up, she told me my witness stunk.  "You don't even know if you are really a Christian", she said.  Yes, I have times I question, but if you are truly my friend you know those questions are in my head and not my heart.  My heart knows that I belong to the Lord.  My heart knows that Jesus hung on a cross and paid my ransom.  My head, however, has a hard time understanding why.  Why would Jesus do that for me?  I know how wicked my heart is and yet He chose to die for me.  How can it be so simple that all I have to do is believe?

My head has so many questions, but my heart is so certain.

She told me I was too vocal about my questions.  I shouldn't share so much.  Only a "true friend" would be willing to tell me I needed to keep such things to myself.

"Be Who You Are"

Her words caused me days of questioning who I really was.  I spent hours upon days crying, wondering, praying.  The Lord sent many friends my way to speak the truth to me, but I just couldn't hear what they were saying to me.  During a conversation with Darryl one day he said to me ... I know you better than they do and I disagree ... you are discounting what we are saying and putting so much more weight in what this person said.

He was right.  I was totally discounting the words of those who know me.  The Lord was speaking so clearly to me, but it was falling on deaf ears.  Until ...

A couple of weeks ago I bought Casting Crowns new CD.  I ran across it when I was looking for something else and picked it up.  Days went by before I opened it up and took the time to listen to it.  Thursday morning, as I stood over the stove making my grilled cheese and bacon sandwich, I was stopped dead in my tracks as the tears started to flow.  This is what I heard ...

I heard Him loud and clear in that very moment.

"Be Who You Are"

I have so many questions.  I am vocal about them, and I don't mind asking the questions that seem "stupid" because my need for answers is greater than how it may make me look.  I question, and I search for answers.  It keeps me face down at the foot of the cross.

Isn't that who we are supposed to be?  Humbled and broken ... in desperate need of Him ... knowing that only He can give us what we need?  How else can we ever be salt and light if we don't show our need for Him?

My heart knows who I am.  I know that I am His and He is mine.  My questions only bring me closer to Him as I search for the answers only He can give.  And maybe ... just maybe ... my willingness to be open about my questions is helping someone else to see they aren't alone.  They aren't the only one with questions.

366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 52

Some days it's hard to focus on what there is to be grateful for, but today is definitely not one of those days.  Sara was in a minor fender bender this afternoon.  She is okay, no one was hurt and her car only has a small dent in the bumper.  I think Nathan and I may have aged 20 years in about 5 minutes though.

I could tell by the tone of her voice something was wrong, and when she prefaced what she had to say by, "Before you freak out, I'm okay.", I knew she had been in an accident.  I had just sent Nathan a text asking him where he was because he was supposed to have already been home, so as I was hearing her talk I kept telling myself everything was okay because her daddy was there with her.  Until he comes walking through the door.  She hadn't called him yet.  Even though she was obviously okay, all I could think of at that point was my baby girl was in a car accident, she's laying on the side of the road and she is all by herself.  When actually is was a minor fender bender, she was okay and she was already with her friend she was headed to meet.  See how depression makes everything so much worse than it actually is?!?!

Tonight I am grateful the Lord protected my baby.  I am also grateful no one was hurt in either fender bender.  Sara's nerves are a bit shaken, but it's been a good learning experience as to just how quickly something can happen.  She also was very quick to recognize the Lord had protected her ... another thing I am grateful for.

Now I think I may go peek in on her and watch her breathe for awhile like I used to do when she was a baby.