365 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 4

Today I am grateful for my part-time job.

I have only ever had 2 other jobs.  When I was in high school I worked at a fast food restaurant.  A few months after graduation, I began working at a Long Term Care facility in medical records.  The plan was to only be there until I graduated college, but I ended up working there for 17 years.  It was there, in my office, that I collapsed when I first got sick.  I left in an ambulance and never returned there to work again.  It's been hard.  Very hard.  It will be 4 years next week when that happened, and I still cry about it times.  It took me 3 months to go through the bag of stuff that was packed up from my desk.  I finally just took the pictures out of my girls and the bible I kept at my desk, and threw the rest away.  I didn't want to look at it, much less keep it as a reminder of what I had lost.  It took my awhile to understand why it's been so hard.  Partly because of the way my dismal, which is just a pretty way of saying I was fired, was handled.  I felt like I had been thrown away and it hurt.  I now know there is no way I could have ever gone back to work there.  Physically I just can't do it.  I don't miss the job.  Don't get my wrong, I liked my job.  However, it could be stressful and frustrating.  What I miss are the friendships I had.  I spent more time with the people I worked with than I did my own family during the week.  I had developed some very close friendship with some of them.  Friendships I believed were for a lifetime.  It's been heartbreaking trying to understand why those relationships ended when I lost my job.  I would ask myself if I just didn't matter to them as much as they mattered to me.  Actually, some days I still ask myself that.  To be fair, a couple of them were dealing with some heavy stuff in their own lives, and their time was consumed with those things.  I knew this and I understood.  It was still hard though.  I miss them greatly.  I know that some friendships are only for a season and few are for a lifetime.  I also know that just because I don't hear from them very often doesn't mean I've completely lost their friendship.  It just simply means life has changed.  And it's changed a lot.  I'm not very fond of change.

I also felt useless after I lost my job.  I had always worked and I wasn't sure what to do when suddenly I didn't have a job anymore.  There were many days it took everything I had to just get through the day.  I had to relearn how to do everything from how to walk again to learning how to hold a pen.  My muscles were so weak and none of them seem to work like they should.  As I regained some of my strength, I desperately wanted to go back to work.  It still wasn't possible though.  Just taking a shower wears me out, so there was no way I could work even half a day.

Then one day, the perfect opportunity was laid in my lap.  Darryl asked if I would be willing to help when he started his new endeavor.  Of course I said I would, but quickly after saying yes, I realized he meant something other than I thought.  I thought he was asking for my help as a favor as a friend, but he was offering me a job.  I was very hesitant.  I've seen so many friendship end over business.  It just wasn't worth it to me to risk that happening.  My friendship with Darryl and Mary is far more important to me.  We spent the next few weeks discussing it and praying about it, and I ended up agreeing to give it try.  I am so grateful I did.  It's been such a huge blessing.  

I only work part-time, and I work when I feel up to it.  I don't have to take a shower or even get dressed.  I can work at 5 a.m. or 9 p.m.  I can work from my dining room table, the couch or even sitting on the bed.  He will tell me what is a priority, and I do it as I can.  I don't work every day and some days I don't work more than a couple of hours.  I can work for 15 minutes and then rest for 2 hours before starting again.  It's also given me a purpose, and I feel like I'm contributing to my family ... and the added bonus of being able to help a friend.

So on day 4, I am grateful for the blessing of my part-time job.  I was beginning to believe there was no way I would ever be able to work again.  I am grateful the Lord showed me otherwise and laid the opportunity in my lap.

365 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 3

The first thing(s) that comes to mind at this moment that I am thankful for are antibiotics and cough syrup.  They have been my constant companion for almost 2 weeks now.  After adding antibiotic number 2 to the regimen, I am finally beginning to feel some better.  My cough hasn't been as bad today, and what I have been coughing up is now clear once again.  That last part might have been a little TMI.

The second thing that comes to mind that I thankful tonight are migraine meds.  About 2 hours ago it hit me.  Thankfully I was able to take the migraine meds early enough that I think I've been able to keep it at bay.  My head feels fuzzy from the meds, but it's far better than having a migraine.

I am so grateful I am finally beginning to feel better.  Hopefully, tomorrow (well, since it's after midnight now it would actually be today) will be even better.

365 Days of Gratefulness

I somehow have to figure out a way to be intentional about thinking about positive things instead of allowing myself to constantly worry about all of things I can't do anything about.  I've allowed myself to get in the habit of wallowing in everything negative.  I don't want to live that way.  It's not only not good for me, but it's a terrible example for my girls.  It's sinful.  The Lord Jesus clearly tells us we aren't supposed to worry.  We are to turn all of our burdens over to Him.  My focus needs to be on Him, and I need to be wallowing in all of the blessings He has given me.

 

I saw this on Pinterest the other day.  I think it's a wonderful idea.  Not only would it be something that would cause me to be intentional about focusing on all of the things I have to be thankful for, but it would also be something tangible for me to be able to go back and read through as a reminder.  It can be ordered on Etsy here .  I haven't decided if I'm going to ordered it or just make my own.  I have decided I'm going to do this though.  I think I'm also going to share on this blog what I grateful for each day.  I may not always share some deep thought, but not every grateful thing is deep.  Sometimes it comes it comes in the form of a Sonic coke.

January 1 ~ I am grateful to have my girls home from the short trip they took to visit family.  I miss them so much when they are gone.  I am so grateful they have the opportunity to make trips with their grandparents, and their aunt.  They are blessed to have 4 grandparents that love them so much.  They are also blessed to have been able to get to know three of their great-grandparents.  Nathan's maternal grandfather is the only great-grandparent still living, and Pop Pop is still a very active part of their lives.

January 2 ~ I am grateful to have all the Christmas decorations put away.  I am also grateful to finally have all of my laundry caught up.  There is only one small load left to wash and a load of jeans to fold.

I encourage you to take the time to wallow in the things you are grateful for today.  I think you should also write them down so you can be reminded of what you have been blessed with your life.

Wanting To Be Hopeful

I began a post yesterday about how hopeful and grateful I was about the beginning of a new year.  Before I was able to finish it, the girls came home from a trip they had taken to visit family, and the night seemed to get away from me.  It's now 3:30 a.m. on January 2, 2012.  I can't sleep because I can't quit coughing and the pain in my feet and legs is awful right now.  When I went to finish up my post, I realized it wasn't what I really wanted to say at all.  So I deleted it and started again.

It's been a long several days.  The Friday before Christmas I started getting sick and as the days wore on I became sicker.  It started with feeling like I had swallowed a hair ball, grew into a horrible respiratory infection, bronchitis and now what seems to be a touch of pneumonia I can't seem to shake.  Darryl added another antibiotic yesterday and called in my third bottle of cough syrup.  I've been instructed to take both antibiotics together, and when the first one has ended have it refilled for another 10 days of treatment.  It bothers me I have to take so many antibiotics, but I know I don't really have a choice.  It seems like the past couple of months I've been sick more days than not.  I've caught every virus going around our community.  It's just been a constant reminder of how weak my immune system really is.  My immunity is comprised from having CIDP and having to take the cellcept lowers it even more.  It's frustrating.  I was asked this past week if I was depressed.  I hadn't really thought about it, but I suppose I am.  Being sick so much lately and my pain level being more intense has just made me tired.  Tired and made me hate CIDP even more.  I was so hopeful just a month ago that a couple of med changes would help my level of pain.  It didn't work though.  Nothing else seems to either.

However, I'm not just depressed over my health.  When I think about 2011, I immediately get this sick feeling in my stomach.  It was a horrible year.  I want to have hope that this year will be better, but honestly, I don't.  Someone I love deeply has been in a path of self destruction for years now, and this past year it came to a head.  It's been so painful to watch.  I desperately want to fix the situation, but I feel so helpless.  Probably because I am.  The reality is I've already done everything I can to help them, and I've actually probably been an enabler at times.  Not intentional, but I believed for weeks they were headed in the right direction.  I allowed them to "pull the wool over my eyes".  I wanted to believe them so much, but I found out that once again I was being lied to and taken advantage of.  It's amazing how they are the one who is headed for complete destruction, yet it's those around them that are devastated.  I am angry, sad and hopeless over the whole situation.  Just when I think they've hit rock bottom, they fall even deeper.  I am so fearful of what is going to happen to them.  What is it really going to take to wake them up?  And what if, just what if, nothing ever does?

I carry them to the foot of the cross and lay them down daily.  Several times a day actually.  I beg the Lord for mercy and wisdom ... for some glimmer of hope.  I worry and I'm anxious.  I'm all of those things I'm not supposed to be, but I love them so much I don't know how not to be.

So, I hold tightly to the promise that the Lord is sovereign as I sit at the foot of the cross where grace and mercy meet.