"Blessed Bankruptcy"

This was the title of our pastor's sermon on Sunday.  I've spent the past couple of days spending a lot of time thinking through some of the things he said.  This morning I took out my notes and as I read through what I had written, I became a weeping mess.  The first thing I have written is this ...

"We should understand what it is to be bankrupt of ourselves ... destitute in ourselves.  It is only the poor in spirit that the Kingdom belongs."

A couple of my very best friends have often said to me, "God wants us to be at the end of ourselves."  It's taken me a long time to truly understand what those words meant.  I would often wonder why God would want me totally broken, unable to know how I was possibly going to take my next breath.  What I didn't understand was it is only at the point of total brokenness that we can see His grace and mercy.  It's only in brokenness that we can see His greatness.  It's only when we are at the foot of the cross completely empty of ourselves that we can see His glory.

I have realized more over the past couple of days that being bankrupt of ourselves is the most blessed place we could ever be.  We have nothing to offer the Lord.  We come to Him broken, empty and needy.  We come to Him as a poor wretched sinner and cry out for mercy.  He takes us out of our desperation and gives us all we will ever need.

In my notes I have written, highlighted in pink ...

"We've been taken out of the kingdom of darkness and we've been given the Kingdom of Heaven."

In our spiritual bankruptcy we find we've been given everything we could ever need.  We need Jesus, and it's through Him we are given the Kingdom of Heaven.

Also highlighted in pink and underlined ...

"Christ delights to save those who cry out for mercy." 

A couple of months ago Mary and Connie, on separate days, sent me the link to this.  I had heard this song several times.  When it comes on the radio in the van, the girls turn it up and sing along.  This past week Mary was sharing with me how she had bought the CD and what a blessing it was to her.  I bought the CD this weekend after our conversation, and have listened to this song no less than 50 times.  It might just be my new hang up.  It's beautifully written and sung.

"Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

The Lord Has Done It Again

I have been sitting here for about the past half hour staring a blank screen.  What I have to share is one of the most profound things that has ever been said to me, and I'm not sure I can describe it in a way that translates it to you in the way it was to me.  It's one of those things that has forever changed the way I think, or at least quickly ends any doubts that enter my mind.

I've been very vocal about how there are time I doubt my salvation.  I sometimes wonder if I truly belong to the Lord, or do I just want it so badly I've convinced myself that I am.  It just seems so easy to me.  All I have to do is believe He died for my sins?

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall have everlasting life."  ~ John 3:16

It really is that simple, yet it's the simplicity of it that feeds into my doubts.  Jesus endured so much to pay for my sins.  He choose to suffer and die for my sake.  Why me?  I am so unworthy.  I sin, and I sin often.  I am way far from perfect.  I sometimes do things or have sinful thoughts, and I think, "If I were truly a Christian I wouldn't have done that."  I know there are those around me who look at me and think the same thing.  I am a terrible witness.

Instead of spending my time and energy reminding myself that it's all been covered by the blood of Jesus, I question my salvation.  "How could I have done that if I truly loved Him?  There is no way He could love someone like me."  I have spent a lot of time camping out on those questions and thoughts.  And it's a subject that my bible study group has spent a lot of time discussing.  What I've discovered is I'm not the only one who has those thoughts.  I actually believe that every Christian has questioned.  Although it may be a fleeting thought and you may not spend as much time camping out on it as I have.

The Lord has been so faithful to show me I am His.  He reminds me through reading His word, a devotion I read or through words of a friend.  My friend Connie has said to me so many times, "If you weren't, you would care."  For the moment it helps.  Sometimes that reassurance will last weeks, but sometimes ... a lot of times ... it only last for a short time.

During bible study on Tuesday,  He did it again.

The subject of doubting came up in our discussion once again.  After we had been talking for several minutes, one of the ladies noticed another lady was crying.  She asked her if she was okay, but she was so emotional she couldn't speak for several moments.  She is one of the sweetest, most dear ladies you could ever meet.  Her heart is so tender and that's one of the things I love most about her.  Once she was able to choke out the words, this is what she had to say ...

She said she had been reading something ... I think she said in her bible ... and it reminded her of me.  She thought about how I doubt at times.  This is the part that left me speechless ...

She said it must be wonderful to know I am going to Heaven.  That if I didn't belong to Him, I wouldn't pray every day for Him to return to take us home.  That should be proof I am His.

It was as if Jesus had come and sat smack dab in front of me.  I don't know how to fully describe the warm feeling I had come over me.  It was as if He was hugging me tightly as He was reassuring me that I am His and He is mine.

After awhile the only words I could utter were, "Wow!  Thank you for sharing that."  I had no argument against what she had just said.  The Holy Spirit had used her to speak truth to me.  I wanted to weep right then and there.

Thank you, Gale, for sharing with me what the Holy Spirit had revealed to you.

I am so grateful the Lord is faithful and never tires of reassuring me of His love for me.

Thank you, Lord,  for loving me even though I am so unworthy.

A Graceful Holiday Sale

Fundraiser for the Grace Presbyterian Church Building Program 
Saturday, December 3rd from 9 AM—5 PM at the 
Algood Elementary School cafeteria
 

Stumped to find just the right gift for someone special on your holiday shopping list? In need of a delicious baked goods for a Christmas party or dinner? Looking for a unique, hand-made decoration or painting to add just the right touch to your home?

Drop by Algood Elementary School on corner of Dry Valley Road & Old Walton Road in Algood on Saturday between the hours of 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. and you’ll find an assortment of delightful art works and crafts as well as plentiful baked goods to fill your holiday shopping basket or stocking. Items to fit any budget will be on sale--whether that’s a stocking stuffer or a one-of-a-kind higher end item for that special someone.

The Graceful Holiday Sale will feature the works of several local artists, artisans, crafters and bakers. Award winning fiber artist, JoAnna Bleasdale, named the best new exhibitor at the 2011 TACA (Tennessee Association of Craft Artists) show in Nashville will be on hand as well as Cookeville Art Prowl participant, Adele Seitzinger, water colorist, Charles Whiting, and several exhibitors from Santa’s Workshop.

Whether you’re looking for a delicious loaf of homemade bread, a unique hand-woven scarf, purse or clothing item, there’s something for everyone. Soup and sandwiches will also be available to purchase if you happen to come hungry.

The sale is a fundraising activity for the Grace Presbyterian Church building program. The church, part of the Presbyterian Church in America, temporarily meets at Algood Elementary with worship services each Sunday at 10:30 a.m. Its new building on Burton Branch Road is expected to be completed in the spring.

My Follow-up Report

I am so exhausted this morning.  Yesterday I had my appointment with Dr. Peltier at Vanderbilt, so my friend and I made a day of it.  I have overdone it, but it was very worth it.  I had the best day!

My appointment went very well.  She's in agreement with Dr. Gaw.  There hasn't been any significant change since I saw her 15 months ago.  I think it's amazing that it took 15 months to get in for a 6 month follow-up appointment.  The only noticable change is the feeling in the lower part of my legs.  I have lost more of the ability to feel from the outside.  The best way I know how to describe it is it's like my leg has fallen asleep and is in the middle of the waking up stage.  It's numb on the outside and feels like it's being stuck with hot needles on the inside.  I couldn't feel the coldness or the vibration of the tool she was using until just below my knee.  At my last visit I could feel it about mid-calf.  So it's just a slight change.  She is making a couple of medication changes to try and control my level of pain.  I am hopeful this will help.  It has worked for others, but like everything else, there are risk.  I am in constant pain though, and if there is a chance something will help lessen that I think it's worth the risk.

Have I mentioned lately how much I long for Heaven?

It was good visit.  It was comforting to hear from the expert that I haven't regressed.  It's very comforting to know that all 3 of my physicians have the same opinion.  I have this constant fear in the back of my mind that I'm going to have a flare up and loose my ability to walk again.  It's been a very long time since I have had a flare up that has been that severe, but it remains of fear of mine.

Yesterday was so fun.  The Lord was so merciful and gave me a day where I felt good, and I had the ability to do some shopping.  I actually am amazed at all I was able to do yesterday.  Although I am so exhausted today, it was worth the fun I had yesterday.  I had a sweet, sweet time with my friend Denise.  We laughed so much my stomach is sore, and we had some precious conversations about how loving and gracious the Lord is to us.  It was wonderful day.  And the weather was absolutely gorgeous!!

I am so grateful for the good report from Dr. Peltier, for the glimmer of hope I've been given that there is something that may control my pain better,  for the precious time spent with a dear friend and for the great deals I found shopping.

And my day started off with a stop at Sonic for a coke! : )