My Heart Is Raw

I am going to warn you, I've done a lot of rambling today.

It's been a horrible, difficult day.  The hardest yet.  As I stood at my mom's grave this afternoon I told Nathan it was so hard to believe my mom was buried underneath all of those flowers laying on the ground.  It's more than my feeble heart can handle.

Her flowers are beginning to wilt away.  I've been obsessed all night thinking about what type of flowers to replace them with this weekend.  I always want her to have pretty flowers.  Maybe that seems silly to some people, but it's something I can still do for my mom.  Something I can do to honor her.

I miss her.

Around 2:00 p.m. I hit a really rough spot.  I started crying uncontrollably.  Every Wednesday she would call me around that time to see if I had gone to bible study that morning.  Last week I hadn't made it home by then because I had gone on an outing with my bible study group.  It crossed my mind several times that day I had forgotten to tell her what we were doing.  I had expected her to call my cell phone.  That's what she would do when she called and I wasn't home.  She'd call my cell wanting to know where I was.

It often would aggravate me she would do that.  Now I would love for her to call wanting to know where I was, who I was with and what exactly were we doing.

She'll never call again.

As 2:00 p.m. approached I began to cry harder and harder.  All morning I would wonder if she was still alive last week at the exact time I was looking at the clock.  We do know she was gone by 2:00 p.m.  My uncle had tried to call her around that time, and he didn't get an answer.

My heart is so raw.

I've had so many people tell me over the past week to call them if I need to talk, but when the moment came I really did need someone, it felt like I couldn't call anyone.

You see, I've noticed people don't really want to be around you when you are crying so hard you're whaling.  Simply because they don't know what to say or do.  I've also noticed there are those who expect me to be "strong" all of the time.

Let me remind you, I am not strong.  I would say I am barely hanging on, but truthfully, I don't even have the strength to do that.

So I am grateful HE is hanging on to me.

I tried to call Mary and she wasn't home.  Mary is a friend who never shys away from me when I'm distraught.  That's one of the many reasons why she's one of my best friends.  She was the only person I could think of to call in that moment that I knew I could talk to without having to be strong.  So I sent her text asking her if she was where she could talk.  Within a few minutes she called me.  I have no idea how long we talked, but I rambled and cried the entire time.  I have no clue what all I said to her, and there were moments I couldn't even formulate words, so I just cried.

And she simply held the phone.

I didn't need her to say anything.  There isn't anything she can say to make it hurt any less.  She knows that.  She also knows all I really needed was for someone to just be there.

And to pray.  I am certain she was praying the entire time she was holding the phone.

My brother told me today he couldn't concentrate enough to get anything done.  We talked about how hard this day has been and how much our hearts are hurting.  He told me he didn't know what to do.

Jesus is our only comfort, I reminded him.

He knows that.  Like me he has spent a lot of time sitting at the foot of the cross begging for the grace to get though the next moment.

The Lord continues to be faithful.  He continues to give us the grace to get through moment by moment.

We miss our Mama.

I've been told the hurt will lessen as time goes by.  So far it's only gotten worse with each passing day.

I dread sleep.  Every time I wake up for a moment I think her death was all a bad dream, but then I have to face the realization she's really gone all over again.  It just continues to make it fresh in my heart.

My heart is so raw.

But the Lord continues to be faithful to get me through those moments.