It Still Doesn't Seem Real

I thought I knew what hard was.

I was wrong.

Loosing my mom has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  I did not know your heart could hurt so much.  My uncle told me tonight that the pain would ease some with time.  I told him I didn't see how.

He then reminded me of this verse,

" ... Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning." ~ Psalm 30:5

I miss her so much.  I just keep thinking, I want my mama back.

I selfishly want her back, but I would never call her back from where she is at now even if I could.

During a conversation my mom and I had several weeks ago, my mom was telling me how she had heard a story of someone asking someone if they were charged with being a Christian would there be enough evidence they would be found guilty.  Over the past several days we have heard enough evidence from so many people that my mom would be found guilty, no doubt.

I cannot even begin to express how much all of those stories have blessed my heart.  They have been so reassuring for us.

The past several months my mom and I have had some deep heart to heart conversations.  There were things said between us I will be forever grateful were said.  The Lord was so gracious to give us those talks.

She called me every day.

Today has been hard.  I've spent most of the day crying.  My dad came by late this afternoon, and he had the death certificate with him.

Her death certificate.

It was so surreal to be holding her death certificate.

After he left Nathan took me back to the cemetery.  They had put hay over grave and relaid her flowers.  Her temporary grave marker had been placed.  It had her name, her birth date and her date of death on it.  It wasn't there yesterday when he took me by after church.

I keep seeing her name with her date of death, and it still doesn't seem real.

But it is.

The Lord continues to give us the grace to get through the next moment, and He will continue to give us just the amount of grace we need.

I cried all through Sunday school and church yesterday, but He was faithful to show me at every turn He's still the same and He will never leave me.

I keep thinking back to the morning of her funeral and when we were at her graveside.  As my uncle was talking there was a huge gust of wind that came through for several moments.

I believe that was the Lord reminding us that although we can't see Him, we can still feel His presence.  And His presence is all around us.

It always will be.