366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 19

"It's over my head, but it's under His feet."

This was a Facebook status one of Sara's friends posted.  Kristina is wise beyond her years and has a precious heart for the Lord.  I couldn't have said it better myself.  It's exactly how I feel right now.

Yesterday was not a pleasant day.  Physically it was one of the hardest days I've had in awhile, even with considering all of the viruses and infections I've had lately.  I woke up in a lot of pain, but I thought it was just because I had slept in the same position ... although I had only slept about an hour.  When I went to the bathroom and was washing my hands, they hurt so much I could hardly stand to touch them.  They felt like they were bruised on the inside and fire was shooting through them.  My whole body felt like that actually.  I could hardly stand to touch anything.  I felt horrible ... really tired and weak ... and I had a weird headache.  Then I ended up falling twice.  My left leg just gave out and on the floor I went.  I became really frightened when I thought about how I was feeling and had fallen twice, so I sent Darryl a text explaining what was going on with me.  I included in that text ... I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO THE ER.  I have not had good experiences in the ER ... terrible is a better description.  Just the thought of having to go there makes me panic.

I also asked him if I was just being paranoid.  This was one time I really hoped that's all it was.  He said that it wouldn't happen like it did at first because I was on treatment for it.  "It" being the CIDP attacking my system.  He wanted me to call Dr. Gaw's office to get in to see him next week and to take precautions getting up and around.

He also added I was not paranoid.  When I told him I was frightened, he said he would be too.  That was not reassuring at all.  So I promptly  called Dr. Gaw's office and left a detailed message.  They finally called back this morning with an appointment time for Thursday.

I am praying this is not the beginning of another attack, but I also recognize the signs.  I'm also praying Dr. Gaw has a different plan than to start the retuxin.  Maybe they are just being overly cautious.  I am hoping that by Thursday I'm feeling much better, and I will have had no more falls.

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate CIDP?

In addition to all of the physical stuff going on, I received a phone call from someone that started a snowball effect of me discovering how much more out of control someone I love has gotten.  How far downward can someone spiral before hitting rock bottom?  I keep thinking they've hit it, but they go father and father downhill.  It is tearing me up inside.  This whole situation is affecting so many people, and there is nothing I can do.  I can't fix any of it.  I have to leave it with Jesus.

I kept quoting these verses over and over to myself yesterday ...

"I sought the LORD, and He answered me, And delivered me from all of my fears." ~ Psalm 34:4

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit, Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the LORD delivers him out of them all."  Psalm 34:18-19

And then out of the blue I got an email from our pastor letting me know he was praying for us.  You cannot convince me the Holy Spirit isn't real.  He laid it upon Caleb's heart on that particular day, a day I felt so overwhelmed, to be praying for us ... and this is not the first time this has happened.  Caleb asked if there was anything specific he could be praying.  I sent him an email full of things he could be praying, and he assured me he would be.

I am so grateful the Holy Spirit intercedes for us.  There are so many times I don't even know how to pray.  I just become frozen because I am so consumed with worry and fear. 

I am grateful He prompts my friends to contact me at just the very moment I need them.

I am very grateful that "It's over my head, but it's under His feet".

He is sovereign.  He has all of this chaos under control.  I just have to trust Him.

I am still praying the Lord returns today.  Seriously.  I cannot wait to be able to crawl up in the lap of Jesus and know everything is better than okay.  It's perfect.

I cannot wait for Him to dry my last tear.