366 Day of Gratefulness ~ Day 10

Today marks 4 yrs since the day that changed our lives forever.  I say ours because it has affected Nathan, Sara and Hannah as much as it has affected me.  It seems like it's been a lot longer than 4 yrs.  I can barely remember what things were really like prior to CIDP.  Life has changed so much for us.  It's been hard.  It's been really scary at times.  It's been frustrating.  It's been exhausting.  At times it's even felt hopeless.

I went from being this independent, constantly on the go person, to someone who depends on some sort of help every day and spends days at time not even getting out of the house.  I'm in constant pain.  Some days it's so bad all I can do is cry.  I get so weak that just holding my head up is hard.  My eyesight is now affected because my left eye muscles are weak.  I drop things all of time because my hand looses it's grip.  My feet shuffle on the floor because they are so heavy and I have foot drop.  I won't even tell you how often I fall, but it's scary.  It's been expensive.  Even with having really good insurance it's been super expensive.  I have no idea how people who are sick and don't have insurance survive.

I have come close to death several times.  There have been times I thought if the disease wasn't going to kill me, the treatments surely would.  I only have one more option for treatment if I begin to regress, and it's considered an "experimental" treatment for CIDP.  As of now, the cellcept is keeping me stable.  Praise the Lord for that!  I have to keep myself from thinking about all the dangers of cellcept and focus on the fact it seems to be working for me.

All of that sounds horrible doesn't it?  Some days it is horrible.  Some days I feel completely defeated.

I am not telling you all of that so that you will feel sorry for me.  I want you to get a realistic picture of what life is like for me to help you grasp how amazing what I am about to tell you is.  Hard isn't even a big enough word to describe what life is like for me.

And yet, in the midst of the pain, frustration, anger and the days that feel hopeless my life is so wonderful and full of hope.

I know it may sound crazy to you.  It does to me at times. 

But God ...

He has blessed me so much through all of this.  He has given so much more than I deserve.  He's given me grace and mercy.  He's carried me when I didn't know how I could possibly take my next step.  He has provided me with everything I've ever needed.

Everything.

You know what that means?  With Him ... because of Him ... I lack nothing.  He is all I need.

I've spent a lot of time sitting at the foot of the cross begging for mercy and grace the past 4 yrs.  I've also gone through times I was so angry with Him that all I would do was shake my fist and ask why.  And you know what?  Whether I was begging for grace and mercy or shaking my fist at Him, He was always there.  Always.  He never once left, and He never once turned me away.

He never will. 

Caleb ended his sermon on Sunday by asking the question, "Do you know Christ?"

Yes, I do know Him.  I love Him.  I trust Him.  He lives in my heart.  I am His and He is mine!

And over the past 4 yrs, I've really gotten to know Him.  I've spent hours upon hours with Him.  I've spent hours studying His Word looking for answers.  I developed this deep hunger to know Him even more.

I don't think that would have happened if I hadn't gotten sick.  Maybe.  I don't know.  I do know I spend a lot of time at His feet now.

And you know, I can honestly say that if getting CIDP is what it took to put me flat on my face at the foot of the cross, it's totally worth it.

I do know Him.  And I know Him at a deeper level than I probably ever would have otherwise.  Because I know Him, I have a life full of hope and so much to look forward to.

I can praise Him because this is not my home.

And yes, I still pray every day for Him to come and take us home.

So, four years later and on day 10 of my "366 Days of Gratefulness", I can say I am grateful for CIDP.  I truly am thankful for it.  I never thought I would have said those words.

I want you to consider that question Caleb left us with on Sunday.  Do you know Christ?  If you don't, I suggest you run to Him as fast as you can.