Twelve Weeks

Twelve weeks.  On one hand it seems like twelve years, but I also wonder how it got here so fast.  Somehow twelve weeks marks some sort of significance I don't quite understand.

It's still hard ... and I mean HARD ... but those who have been through this that told me I would begin to get better at handling it were right.

It still hurts like no other pain I've ever experienced in my life.  The enormous black hole is still there.  I still cry a lot.  I miss her deeply.  None of that has changed.  And I still can't get "thank you" notes written; something a close friend who lost her Mother four weeks after I lost mine totally gets.

The pain hasn't lessened or gone away, and sometimes it just doesn't seem real.  The shock still hasn't completely worn off.  My arms still ache to hug her, and I still hate the hours between 12 and 2.  When I see her number pop up on the caller ID, I still think for a moment, "Oh, it's Mama".  I still pick up the phone without thinking to call her.  When I call my dad from my cell phone the number pops up still listed as "Mom's home", and I get a huge lump in my throat.

Although the tears come less often, sometimes they begin to flow without warning, and I still have times I whale the pain is so intense.

But the Lord has been gracious.  He has given me the ability to sometimes smile when I think about her.  I can now at times remember things she did, even those things that made me so frustrated and at times angry, and laugh.  Sometimes the smiles and laughter come through tears, but at least they are there.  And she would want that.

It's not easy, and without Jesus it would be impossible.  If not for Him, I couldn't survive this.  I need Him every hour of every day.  My heart has been so shattered with pain only Jesus can mend it.

I still want my Mama back.

However, the Lord has been faithful to remind me as much as I love her, He loves her infinitely more.  She is with Him.  As much as my heart wants her here with me, I know she's exactly where she needs to be.  She is where she wants to be.

I couldn't smile or laugh without having the assurance she is with Jesus.

And having the assurance that one day we will be together again.  The time we spend together then will be so much richer and beautiful.  I'll never miss her again. 

Oh, Jesus, I beg of you to come quickly.