I had hoped that by the time I felt like writing again I would be able to write about how much I better I was feeling, but I don't. In some ways I feel worse. I don't really know what has happened, but somehow this crazy depression that set in as a result of the medicine I was taking has spiraled out of control. I thought I was feeling better. I even had friends tell me they thought I looked like I was feeling better, but I quickly realized deep down I still feel crummy. I went from thinking I was going to be okay to crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath in about 60 seconds.
All of last week I was deliberate in doing something each day that I didn't "feel" like doing but I thought would help.
Day 44 ~ I decided to go to bunco and had a good time. I laughed a lot. I got to spend some time with my friend, Sarah, who is home for a visit. She's living in South Korea for awhile teaching.
Day 45 ~ I went to bible study. I did not want to go at all. I sort of wish I had not gone, but I did get to spend some more time with Sarah. And I got to hear her precious heart as she shared her thoughts. Even though part of me wishes I hadn't gone, it really was good I did.
Day 46 ~ I seriously thought about skipping out on the Youth and Children's Committee meeting I had that night, but I went. The highlights of the night are ... Nathan took me to get a Sonic coke on the way; I got to see Andy laugh harder than I've ever seen him laugh when I told him the story of how my friend drove up the sidewalk to drop me off at the door at church one Sunday; I got to hear about how a guy I went to high school with was living his life for the Lord and was going to be the speaker at the Winter Retreat for our youth.
Day 47 ~ At the last minute, at the strong urging of a friend, I decided to go to a fellowship for the women in our church. I was really glad I went. It was a fun, sweet time, and I laughed harder than I've laughed in weeks with the two ladies I rode with in the car.
Day 48 ~ I had breakfast with my friend, Elizabeth. She picked me and we went to Chick-fil-a for a biscuit. We talked non-stop and lost all track of time. I really did feel better when she dropped me off. After she dropped me off, Nathan and Sara met me at Wal-mart to do some grocery shopping. I just about had a nervous breakdown. I don't know what I was thinking going to Wal-mart the day before they were calling for snow ... except snow or no snow we needed food. Later that afternoon Sara drove me to a nearby town, and we went purse shopping. As happy as I was to finally get a new purse ... and I didn't even buy the one I've had my eye on for months ... I was even more excited to spend a couple of hours with just Sara. We stopped off for Sonic drinks on the way back and made a quick trip to Krogers to buy meat (I'm weird about where I will and will not buy meat). Then we headed home to pick up Nathan and Hannah for dinner. It was a very long day, but it was one of the best I've had in a long time. So, come Sunday morning I felt so much better ... or so I thought.
Day 49 ~ It snowed all through church. It was beautiful seeing it falling through the windows behind Caleb as he preached his wrap-up sermon on the Beatitudes. I was exhausted from the day before, but I thought I was finally feeling better. Then one conversation after church made me quickly realize feeling better was really on the surface. It wasn't how I was feeling deep down. By the end of the day I was more depressed than I had been.
Day 50 ~ Yesterday Nathan and the girls were home from school. They were out for President's Day. We just spent a low key day at home. My in-laws stopped by for a quick visit. I did some laundry and worked for awhile. I wondered all day long, "Is this feeling ever going to end?"
Today is day 51. I know there is so much I have to be grateful for, but at this moment all I want to do is go to bed and cover my head up. My heart is so heavy, and my head is racing and I can't shut it off. At least I have a bed I can go to and cover up my head. That's something to be grateful for, right?
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