366 Days of Gratefulness ~ Day 43

I have made it no secret about how depressed I have been the past week or so.  It's been a long time since I've been this depressed, and what makes it even harder is knowing it is most likely coming from a medicine.  A nasty side effect I was unaware could happen.  It's frustrating to know that although the medicine is now out of my system, the effects still linger.  Hopefully they will be gone within the next week, but no one really knows that for certain.  I told Darryl today I wish my brain would just hurry up and hit "reset".  I am not a patient person by any means, and this is wearing me quite thin.  I don't really have a desire to do much of anything ... well, expect maybe go to the beach.  I haven't been near an ocean in three years.  That was in February, or it might have been January, in the northern part of California.  It was cold and rainy.

Anyway, I'm getting off track.

My desire to do much of anything is nil.  I still haven't ordered that purse I have wanted for so long.  It was pointed out to me today I haven't been returning text or emails, and I'm canceling too many plans with friends.  I just don't have the energy or the want to be social.  I just keep hoping this feeling will go away and things will go back to normal.  Yet every day it lingers, the more afraid I become the feeling isn't going to leave.  I've probably asked Darryl 20 times if he is for sure this is coming from the medicine.  When my friend pointed out how many plans I've canceled and those plans I don't intend to keep this week ... well, it made me even more fearful.  I'm usually bursting at the seams wanting to get out of the house, but now I totally dread the thought of going anywhere.  I don't want to have to talk to anyone.  I don't want to have to answer the questions of all my well-meaning friends.  I don't want to have to pretend I'm just fine so folks won't be concerned.  I don't have then energy for any of it.

So I cancel plans.  I don't answer phone calls or emails.  I avoid everyone.  Not intentional.  I do it without even realizing it.  I have bunco tomorrow night, and I told friends yesterday I wouldn't be there.  I have bible study Wednesday, and I've already told a friend I won't be coming.  The ladies in our church are planning to get together Friday night, and I told someone today I don't intend to go.  I had already made the decision to do none of it without realizing what I was saying.  I even had to make myself go to church yesterday.  I had no desire to go.  I wanted to just go to bed and stay under the covers.

I have a cousin that wants to have what my cousins and I refer to as a "cousins' night out" this weekend.  I agreed to go and as soon as I did I thought, "what have I done?!"  Because staying home seems so much better to me.

But it really isn't better for me.  I know cutting myself off from those who love me and care about me is not good for me at all, but I still do it.  Why?  Because it's so much easier.  It takes much less energy.

And yet I have friends that refuse to allow that to happen.  They drag me out of the house.  They keep calling and texting when I don't answer.  Emails keep coming.  They tell me all the things I don't want to hear but I need to hear.

And they point me to the cross.  So many times Darryl has told me over and over, "I have nothing to offer you other than Jesus."  So many times I've wanted him to "fix" whatever was wrong.  I've yelled at him more times than I care to admit because he couldn't fix it.  After all, he's my doctor.  He's one of my closest, dearest friends.  He's my big brother.  His story has never changed though.  Consistency has been his speciality, "I have nothing to offer you other than Jesus."

That's what those who love us do.  They point us right back to the cross, and sometimes we are blessed enough to have them go with us, even carry us there when we don't have the energy or the want to go ourselves.

That is what I am grateful for tonight.  Being at the foot of the cross, where grace and mercy meet, with those I am blessed to be loved by enough to carry me there.

Thank you, friends.

And thank you Jesus, for not just giving me those friends who go with me, but even more so for giving us a place we can go for everything we need.