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I am a day behind in my post. Hopefully, I'll be able to write up today's tonight, and I'll be all caught up.
Yesterday was our Pastor's birthday. What better time is there to let someone know how grateful you are for them than on their birthday? I know we should tell them often, but a birthday just seems to be a moment you really shouldn't pass up.
I am grateful for Caleb. He has been a huge blessing to me and to my family ... and to our church. The more I know him, the more respect and love I have for him.
Caleb is one of the most transparent people I know. He is so honest about his own sins and brave enough to share them. When he preaches his sermons, he's preaching to himself as much as he is to all of us. I tend to sit up straighter in my seat and take notes just as fast as I can when he's preaching because I know he's preaching from his heart. He's not just mouthing the words.
He is such an encourager to me. He shows up when I'm in the hospital, and he sits down and stays for awhile. He stays for awhile, he doesn't just cruise in and out, and he never leaves without praying with me. He calls just to check on me, and there have been numerous times he's sent me a text full of scripture to encourage me. Then there have been many times he's come by the house to visit with us, pray with us and just let us know he's willing to help us any way he can.
I am full of questions. I seem to have an endless supply of them, and I'm not real shy when it comes to asking them. Bless his heart, I know there must be times he thinks, "here we go again". He always answers my questions. If he doesn't know the answer, he's honest about it and will find out the answer. He doesn't claim to "know it all". That's one more reason why I respect him.
There are so many more reason why I am grateful for Caleb, but it all boils down to one thing ... His love for Christ and his desire for others to know him to. That's the foundation of who he is.
I am grateful that Caleb was sent to our church, and I have the privilege of sitting under his teaching.
I have replayed the day over and over in my head several times. Some days being grateful is hard. Yesterday was one of those days that at every turn there were blinking neon lights drawing my attention to the hard things. It was an emotional draining day, and by the end of the day I was in no mood to write a post about being grateful. Because honestly, I really wasn't. I tried to find something I was grateful for, but I couldn't get my mind of upsetting news I had gotten about someone I love. I couldn't stop thinking about a friend who is hurting, and how I am so angry with someone. So I let it all fester ... all night long.
I didn't do what I said I was going to do. I wasn't intentional about focusing on the blessings I have rather than the things that are upsetting and heartbreaking. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a house to live in and food to eat. I have a husband that loves me. My daughters are healthy and thriving. I am surrounded by people who love me. I really could go on, but instead I gave all my attention and energy to things I can't do anything to fix. I should have just left it with Jesus.
I got an email from Mary this morning, and she was sharing a quote she had read in a friend's Facebook status. Somehow I actually had overlooked this friend's status when I had surfed through Facebook early this morning. Probably because my heart wasn't ready to hear it. Maybe I did read it, and it just didn't stick with me at the time. When I read it in Mary's email it hit me in the gut, and I heard it loud and clear. My eyes were opened wide to what I had actually missed that I had to be grateful for yesterday.
"Yet, it is kindness when He strips us of self-reliance, because it is there, in our emptiness and brokenness, that we experience the privilege of His sustaining grace. It is only at that dreaded place of weakness, that we discover the surpassing power of Christ," Give Them Grace, Fitzpatrick & Thompson.
"... His sustaining grace ... "
How did I miss that? How could I not see that all through yesterday and all through the night I was experiencing His sustaining grace?
Because I took my eyes off of Jesus.
Just like Peter, I took my eyes off of Jesus and I began to sink. I began sink right back in to the very cycle I am trying to break. My "woe is me" attitude was coming back, and I was just about ready to jump back into the mud and start wallowing.
Thank you, Lord, for protecting me from that happening. I truly am grateful for your sustaining grace and for forgiving me when I take my eyes off of you. Thank you for catching me when I start to fall.
I am grateful the Lord laid it upon Carol's heart to share that quote. I am grateful He brought Mary's attention to it, and He laid it upon her heart to share it with me. I am grateful that after I didn't see it the first time around, He prepared my heart to hear it in Mary's email.
Most of all, I am grateful for His sustaining grace and for His forgiveness when I take my eyes off of Him.
Today marks 4 yrs since the day that changed our lives forever. I say ours because it has affected Nathan, Sara and Hannah as much as it has affected me. It seems like it's been a lot longer than 4 yrs. I can barely remember what things were really like prior to CIDP. Life has changed so much for us. It's been hard. It's been really scary at times. It's been frustrating. It's been exhausting. At times it's even felt hopeless.
I went from being this independent, constantly on the go person, to someone who depends on some sort of help every day and spends days at time not even getting out of the house. I'm in constant pain. Some days it's so bad all I can do is cry. I get so weak that just holding my head up is hard. My eyesight is now affected because my left eye muscles are weak. I drop things all of time because my hand looses it's grip. My feet shuffle on the floor because they are so heavy and I have foot drop. I won't even tell you how often I fall, but it's scary. It's been expensive. Even with having really good insurance it's been super expensive. I have no idea how people who are sick and don't have insurance survive.
I have come close to death several times. There have been times I thought if the disease wasn't going to kill me, the treatments surely would. I only have one more option for treatment if I begin to regress, and it's considered an "experimental" treatment for CIDP. As of now, the cellcept is keeping me stable. Praise the Lord for that! I have to keep myself from thinking about all the dangers of cellcept and focus on the fact it seems to be working for me.
All of that sounds horrible doesn't it? Some days it is horrible. Some days I feel completely defeated.
I am not telling you all of that so that you will feel sorry for me. I want you to get a realistic picture of what life is like for me to help you grasp how amazing what I am about to tell you is. Hard isn't even a big enough word to describe what life is like for me.
And yet, in the midst of the pain, frustration, anger and the days that feel hopeless my life is so wonderful and full of hope.
I know it may sound crazy to you. It does to me at times.
But God ...
He has blessed me so much through all of this. He has given so much more than I deserve. He's given me grace and mercy. He's carried me when I didn't know how I could possibly take my next step. He has provided me with everything I've ever needed.
Everything.
You know what that means? With Him ... because of Him ... I lack nothing. He is all I need.
I've spent a lot of time sitting at the foot of the cross begging for mercy and grace the past 4 yrs. I've also gone through times I was so angry with Him that all I would do was shake my fist and ask why. And you know what? Whether I was begging for grace and mercy or shaking my fist at Him, He was always there. Always. He never once left, and He never once turned me away.
He never will.
Caleb ended his sermon on Sunday by asking the question, "Do you know Christ?"
Yes, I do know Him. I love Him. I trust Him. He lives in my heart. I am His and He is mine!
And over the past 4 yrs, I've really gotten to know Him. I've spent hours upon hours with Him. I've spent hours studying His Word looking for answers. I developed this deep hunger to know Him even more.
I don't think that would have happened if I hadn't gotten sick. Maybe. I don't know. I do know I spend a lot of time at His feet now.
And you know, I can honestly say that if getting CIDP is what it took to put me flat on my face at the foot of the cross, it's totally worth it.
I do know Him. And I know Him at a deeper level than I probably ever would have otherwise. Because I know Him, I have a life full of hope and so much to look forward to.
I can praise Him because this is not my home.
And yes, I still pray every day for Him to come and take us home.
So, four years later and on day 10 of my "366 Days of Gratefulness", I can say I am grateful for CIDP. I truly am thankful for it. I never thought I would have said those words.
I want you to consider that question Caleb left us with on Sunday. Do you know Christ? If you don't, I suggest you run to Him as fast as you can.
Today I am grateful that Sara easily forgives. I reacted badly to something concerning her today and had to apologize and ask her to forgive me. She forgave me instantly. She has such a sweet spirit about her, and I certainly could learn much from her. I have seen her forgive others for doing the same things to her over and over again. I've often wondered to myself why she would allow them to keep doing those things to her. It occurred to me tonight she's simply doing the biblical thing. She's forgiving seventy times seven.
I am so grateful she loves Jesus. I am grateful her desire is to be like Him and not me. I am not kidding when I say there is so much I can learn from her. She is such a blessing to me and I love her so, so much!!
