Draw Me Near Lord

I've made it no secret the past several months have been incredibly hard.  There are some hard, life-altering things happening in my life.  Other than Nathan, there are only a couple of really close friends who know everything, but I promise, if you knew all you would wonder how I'm even sane.

It's only because of Jesus, and His grace and mercy I am able to put one foot in front of the other ... figuratively and literally.

Actually, I'm learning there are people who believe I'm not.  Seems there are some who have a lot to say, but instead of saying it to me they've chosen to say it to others.  It just adds to the heartbreak.

I have taught my girls their identity is in Christ.  The One who died for their sins.  It's not wrapped up in what others say or believe about you.  I've taught them that, and yet, I'm discovering I'm having to really search my heart to find out if I truly believe what I have taught them.

I do.

But it's so hard not to buy into the "I need to be liked and loved by everyone" syndrome.  The reality is, it's not possible to be liked and loved by everyone.

And it really only matters that we are loved by Jesus.

Loved unconditionally.  A love that never, ever let's go.

I have found myself at a point many times over the past couple of weeks of not even knowing how to pray.  I"m tired, and formulating words is hard at times.

The past couple of weeks this song has been playing over and over in my heart and my head.  Sometimes when I lie down I play it on repeat.

"Draw Me Nearer"

For your nearness Lord I hunger
For your nearness Lord I wait
Hold me ever closer Father
Such a love I can't escape

For your nearness I am hoping
For your nearness Lord I long
Have no need of any other
I have found where I belong
Yes, I have found where I belong

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord

In your nearness there is healing
What was broken now made whole
Restoration in it's fullness
Lasting hope for all who come

In your nearness I take shelter
Where you are is where I'm home
I have need of only one thing
To be here before your throne
To be here before you throne

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord

And keep me here, keep me here
There's nowhere else I rather be
So keep me here, keep me here
There's nowhere else I rather be
There's nowhere else I rather be

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer my Lord

I don't understand everything that is happening.  I hate most of it.  But I know God is sovereign even over the darkest of days.  I know nothing happens in my life without Him having a purpose for it.

And that does bring me comfort.  I just have to keep being reminded of truth.

Friday is my Mom's birthday.  She's been on my heart a lot more than usual this week, and she's never far from my thoughts.  This will be the third birthday she's spent in Heaven.  I'm grateful I know she's with Jesus.  I cannot even express what a comfort it is to know that.

But it still hurts not having her with me.  I miss my daily phone call ... sometimes multiple calls in one day.  I miss her unsolicited advice, and her asking me every day if my laundry is caught up.

No, it's not.  Not even close.

I just keep wondering, "When does this get easier?"

And then I have to remind myself she is as near to the Lord as you can get.

One of the things I long for is the day I can climb up in Jesus' lap and Him hold me close.  When I think of what is the most comforting thing to me, sitting in the lap of Jesus would be my happy spot.

Physically, I can't do that yet, but spiritually I have the opportunity to stay there.  I never have to climb down and let someone else have their turn.  I can stay there and here Him say to me,

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  2 Corinthians 12:9

I could really use your prayers this week.