Perception

Perception.

Mine is often skewed.  Or maybe I should say it is always skewed.

I'm a worrier who is often paranoid about what people think of me.  I worry I've hurt someone or haven't done something that meets their approval.  Maybe what I've done just wasn't quite good enough, and maybe they see me as a complete and utter failure.

I've had this fear a lot lately.  Let me tell you, it can be paralyzing.  It can make you want to throw your hands up in the air and say, I give up.

That's actually what I should be doing.  Giving it all up ... to God.

I stood in front of Darryl in tears on Sunday at church, and I told him I needed him to pray.  Somehow my heart and head need to line up and realize my concern needs to be more about am I pleasing God, rather than am I pleasing man.  It sounds easy, right?

It's not.

Several months ago I was approached about joining the WIC (Women In the Church) Council in my church.  Shortly after I was approached, the discussion began about me becoming the president.  I told them I would pray about it and get back to them.

My prayer was mostly, Lord, I don't know if I can do this.  Are you sure You don't want to find someone else?

You see, during this time Nathan was also going through lengthy training to become a deacon in our church.  When he was first nominated I had a "friend" tell me she didn't think I would make a good deacon's wife.  I struggled with her comment for weeks.  Still, almost two years later, it stings.

After a lot of prayer and long talks with Nathan, and a few close friends, I agreed to take the position.

And then a few weeks later, I was asked to lead a ladies bible study.

Again, I prayed a lot.  This time I begged the Lord to find someone else, but He didn't.

If anyone had told me 10 years ago I would be where I am now, I would have laughed and said they were crazy.  I was so angry with God, I wanted nothing to do with Him.  But here I am.

And it's scary.

You know the saying, "every sinner has a past"?  Well, I do.  A past that haunts me at times.  There are things in my past I am so ashamed of, and those things have a way of creeping back into my thoughts and reminding me of who I was then.

To some people I'll always be the crazy daughter who has done some horrible things.

And I forget who I am now.  I forget my identity is in Christ, not in my past.  I forget I am a sinner, forgiven and washed clean by the blood of Jesus Christ.

He pulled me out of my past, and He is the One who has me here now.

Oh, how easily I tend forget I am His, and He is mine!

And nothing can change that!!

NOTHING!!

In my forgetfulness, I let the past creep in and tell me what a horrible person I am, and how I'm not good enough to be working in His church.  Things people have said to me over the years keep ringing in my ears.  Instead of hearing His voice, it's their voices I hear.

Instead of seeing myself through the eyes of Jesus, I see myself through my past.

I'll never be good enough to be a deacon's wife, be WIC President or lead a bible study.

That's why I need Jesus.

I desperately need Him!!

Sometimes I struggle with receiving the mercy God has shown me.  I keep thinking I need to pay penance for past sins.  I need to remember that He already paid the price for my sins.

I'm not the same person I was 25, 20 or 10 years ago.  I'm not even the same person I was last week.  And I don't want to be the same person tomorrow.

I want to become more and more like Christ, and less and less like me.

I pray my perception is more like His, too.