Jumbled Thoughts

I've tried to write so many times, but I'm not sure how to put the jumbled up thoughts in my head into words.  I've written so many post that I've later thought didn't make any sense, so I deleted them.

The one thing that is on my mind the most is this coming Sunday.  I dread Mother's day with every fiber of my being.  I would prefer to just skip over the day and pretend it didn't exist.  But I can't do that to my mother-in-law.  She deserves to be celebrated.

She should be celebrated.  I am grateful for her.  She's been such a great mother-in-law to me, and she's an amazing Grammy to my girls ... and my nephew.  I love her.  We've butted heads over the years.  Both of us are strong-willed and have our own opinions we don't mind sharing.  But we speak our minds and move own.  She's always been there when I've needed her.  I'm blessed to have her.

It's just hard knowing I won't see my Mama.  I wish I was racking my brain trying to figure out what gift to buy her.  Instead I'm wondering if I'll be able to put flowers in the vase on her headstone or need to buy flowers just to lay on her grave.  It's looking like her headstone won't be set before Sunday.  We were hoping it would be.

I'm tired of crying.  I'm tired of pretending I'm okay.  I'm tired of having to choke out the words, "I'm okay" when people ask how I am.

I am tired.  I'm physically exhausted and mentally drained.

I long for Heaven.  I pray every day the Lord would return, but He keeps saying to me, "just a little longer".  His a "little longer" and mine don't match up.

No, I don't audibly hear Him.

I do, however, turn around and see my mom standing in front of me often.  It's so real to me I think I can touch her.  So maybe I am loosing my mind.

Maybe I will soon be able to put my jumbled thoughts into sentences that make sense.  Right now it's just chaos in my head.

I'm grateful God is in control and not me.  It's times like this I would surely make a mess out of everything.